He Made Ample Use of It That Night

Story Sent in by Jessica:

Right after the first iPhone was released Jeff took me out on a first date. While we were out at the restaurant he put his new iPhone out on the table and stroked it like it was a beloved pet. He just couldn't seem to keep his hand off of it. To be honest it was creepy.

He paid for dinner and then asked, "My place or yours?"

"For what?" I asked even though I knew what the answer would be.

"You know. Sexing. I have an iPhone."

"So what?"

Like he was talking to an idiot, he said, "It's the latest tech device. Cost me hundreds. My place?"

I said, "I have to be up early tomorrow. I'm sorry."

"No sexing?"

"Sorry. No... sexing."

He made a disappointed face, shoved the phone back into his pocket, and said, "It has a vibrate function. I'm just saying."

And that was the last time I saw him.


  1. His Iphone did not bring sexy back,it kicked it to the curb.....

    1. So many new people to make terrible (AKA hilarious) jokes with. What a day to be alive.

      Also, I think he was so convinced that having the money to buy an expensive piece of marketing would be all he needed to bring in women. He was sadly misinformed. What he actually needed was the ability to simultaneously listen and make pizza.

  2. He then went on to invent tinder...

  3. Gotta love thirsty dudes that assume one date entitles them to sex - err, I mean, sexing.

  4. Wait... he has an iPhone?? Bananas would totally give him a chance - she's still rocking her Samsung Galaxy S5 on AT&T!

    (Yes, I stalk you.)

  5. If he had one of these cute little guys, I'd totally get it. Petting it wouldn't be creepy, the vibrating is just excitement (but I guess you can say that either way!) AND she'd melt right into his arms from cuteness overload.

    Guy has a lot to learn.


  6. I misread it. I thought he meant sexting... as in... sending sexy pictures through text. Still a stupid millennial term but it made a little more sense with the iphone.


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