Rake 'n Bake

(What did Oscar-winning screenwriter Charles Randolph (The Big Short) teach me about writing? Find out on this week's Jared's Inkwell! -JMG)

Story Sent in by Barbara:

I was supposed to go out to lunch with Fred on our first date, but he seemed out of sorts. He looked around constantly at everything. When we walked by a certain house he strolled up the front walk.

"Is this... your house?" I asked him.

He didn't answer but instead grabbed a rake that was leaning against the house and started raking the leaf-less, grassy front yard.

"What are you doing?" I asked him.

"Time to rake!" he screamed at me.

I waited around for a couple of minutes as he raked the grass. He looked up at me and said, "Wait here. I'm raking you, next."

He carried the rake behind the house. I took off. Luckily, he never found me.


  1. When you change your mind halfway through a date, don't say your farewells! Just convince your date that you're a dangerous psychopath! It's apparently what everyone's doing.

  2. To everything
    There is a season
    And a time to every purpose, under heaven
    A time to be born, a time to die
    A time to plant, a time to reap
    A time to kill, a time to heal
    A time to laugh, a time to weep
    A time to build up, a time to break down
    A time to dance, a time to mourn
    A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together
    A time of love, a time of hate
    A time of war, a time of peace
    A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing
    A time to gain, a time to lose
    A time to rend, a time to sew
    A time for love, a time for hate
    A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

    **** I don't see ANYTHING about raking!!

    1. You have to play the record backwards. Lord Chunky Horse clearly instructs you to rake your neighbor's yards and then their faces.

  3. I'm with the Duck on this one. He pulled the old "I'm a psychopath with a rake" routine. Classic Fred.

  4. I don't think JMG has changed Fred's name, this was definitely Fred Armisen.

  5. He sounds like he has schizophrenia. I completely understand being panicked and just leaving without doing anything, but it would've been a good idea to call the police. Either he didn't take all his meds, or he's not being treated when he needs to be.


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