It Gives You Wings

(I was at the Steve Jobs screening in NY where screenwriter Aaron Sorkin was a panelist. What did he have to say? Click here to find out on this week's Jared's Inkwell! -JMG)

Story Sent in by Donald:

After spending longer than I should have on OkCupid, I discovered Maria's profile and emailed her. A couple of weeks later, we wound up on a date together at a great local restaurant with live music and great house drinks. I offered to buy her whatever she wanted and she ordered a Red Bull and... just a Red Bull.

"Sure you don't want anything else?" I asked.

"It's the only thing Alice will let me drink at a bar."

She hadn't mentioned Alice in any of her online messages. Was Alice her... doctor? Friend? Roommate?

"She's my guardian angel," Maria explained, "Sorry. I should've mentioned her before. She wants me to live as long as possible."

I tried to play along. "Yeah? You have a guardian angel?"

"She said, "Everyone does. I'm just lucky enough to know mine. Remember the Berlin Wall?"

Thrown off by the non sequitur, I said, "Uh... yes?"

"That was her."

"She was the Berlin Wall?"

Maria laughed long and hard. "No! Silly. She took it down."

"I see. And now she's relegated to telling you what to drink and not drink?"

"She's had all kinds of assignments throughout history. Remember Hitler's assassination?"

"I don't remember that."

"That was her, too."

"But Hitler wasn't assassinated."

Maria's face scrunched up as if she was hard at work figuring out how to crawl out of this one. She went with a shrug and said, "It was someone else, then. But it was also Alice."


We moved on to other topics and as the night went on, she ordered a couple more Red Bulls. I didn't bring up Alice again and the date ended without further incident. I didn't ask her (or Alice) out again.


  1. Guardian Angel, in this case, is just adultspeak for Imaginary Friend. I guess she thought saying Guardian Angel instead of Imaginary Friend would make her sound less like an infant

  2. She probably went home and yelled at Alice for lying to her like that. Goddamit, Alice!


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