Knife Expectancy

Story Sent in by Brett:

This took place when I was a senior in high school. My nice talk at dinner with Terri came to a halt when she asked me, out of the blue, "How long do you think you'll live?"

I said, "Hopefully several more decades. You?"

She said, "You think decades? We'll see. Just in case you were thinking of trying anything tonight, I have friends who will kill you."

"Trying... anything? Like the veal?"

She said, "No. For example, if you were going to take me against my will. They have a knife. Just letting you know."

"Oh," I said, insulted. Then I said, "What if I kill you and dump you somewhere before you can call these friends? Can't really call them when you're dead."

It was harsh, but how dare she threaten me and not expect retaliation. Who did she think she was?

She trembled violently (obviously a future drama major, this one) and she pulled out her phone. She dropped it on the floor and picked it up again. She shakily dialed a number, then dropped the phone again, picked it up, dropped it again, and then held it to her ear.

"Hey. G-guys?" she said, glancing at me and then away, "This g-guy just threatened, threatened, threatened my life. Get here as soon as you can." She hung up.

"N-now you're in for it," she said, "They're on their w-w-w-w-w-w-way."

"Great," I said.

I ordered dinner. She ordered a drink. I ate. She drank. No words were exchanged.

I finished and put down cash for my share. Then I said, "Sorry I missed your friends," then left. Only date.


  1. High school aside, I liked that you called her bluff. There were never any "friends" and she realized just how pathetic her little threat sounded when you called her on it.

  2. I think she does in fact have many friends. These friends love her and her drama so much that they told her "Go ahead, go out, and if you get into a dangerous situation, just give us a call. We've got your back!" So when she called and told them "My life is being threatened!" they all looked at each other and decided to just let things sort themselves out. Because they love her and all her drama so much.

  3. I think I would have asked more questions about this knife? Why are multiple "guys" sharing the one knife? Can they not afford additional knives? When they kill you, are they going to all have their hands on the one knife or will they take turns stabbing? So many questions.

  4. I want to see a rebuttal from the guys.

  5. I'm not going to be too tough on Terri. She was probably too young and drama prone to subtly convey that she has people who know where she is and who she's with just in case. Terri, next time, just say "I've been wanting to try this restaurant for ages. My BFF-we just call him Psycho Tim-has been raving about it since he came here to celebrate beating that multiple murder and dismemberment rap. Want to share an appetizer?"

  6. "What if I kill you and dump you somewhere before you can call these friends?"

    This is just wrong...there's no use dumping a perfectly good body! Those babies are still good for at least two days after! And once you've had your fun, there's still plenty of meat on the bones

  7. Oh Saggy, ever the practical one :-)

  8. Molly, in this harsh economic cllimate, even vengeful vigilante killers have to share knives every now and again.


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