Ass Machine Is a Great Band Name

Story Sent in by Nelson:

I was seated with Janis at a coffee shop when she handed me her latte and asked me to try it. I did. It tasked like a latte.

She said, "It tastes like pure ass, doesn't it?"

I didn't think so and said, "It tastes how I expected it to. If you don't like it, let them know."

She stood up and obtained a replacement latte. When she sat back down and tried it, she said, "Now it's too hot."

"Wait for it to cool down."

She did and then she drank some and said, "This one tastes even ass-ier."

"Maybe there's something wrong with their latte machine."

"You mean their ass machine," she said. She went back up to the counter and returned with yet another latte.

When she finally tried the third one, she said, "Blah. This one is the ass-iest. Try it."

I tried a sip. It was fine and I told her so.

She then said, "Then maybe you're the one making it taste like ass."

I replied, "I don't see how that's possible, as you complain of its taste each time before I try it."

She nodded seriously and said, "Then it's the proximity to you or something. I come here all the time and this is the first time it's tasted this ass-y. You definitely have ass-mouth."

"Explain how my proximity makes a latte taste bad."

She shrugged. "Whatever. It's yours. Enjoy it."

I did. We sat in silence for a few minutes until she started swabbing the inside of her cheek with her finger and sniffing it. She did it at least a dozen times. I asked her what she was doing.

"I'm checking my mouth, but it's fine. How are you enjoying my latte?"

"It's great," I said.

"Will you pay me for that one, since you're drinking it and I paid for it?"



She stood and left me sitting there without explanation. But at least I had a free latte, along with my purported ass-mouth.


  1. @ JMG - Yup.

    Maybe it was that salad she had before meeting you for coffee.

  2. "Left me sitting there without explanation."

    Really? Really!? Some sort of unsolvable mystery?

  3. If I was on a date with OP and he kept making my latte taste like ass then I'd probably leave without explanation too.

  4. If I were the barista who kept having to replace this rude woman's lattes, I probably would have actually sharted in the third one.

  5. ^ Don't you mean the turd one?

  6. You know what? I DO mean the turd one!

  7. "Ass Machine is a Great Band Name"

    And an even better porn name!


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