Driven to Drink

Story Sent in by Walter:

I was at a nice Asian fusion restaurant with Connie. We had probably spoken online for about a month. She seemed smart and silly and I liked her, at least based off of her online persona.

I ordered a glass of wine and she ordered a piña colada. I had drank maybe about a quarter of my wine when she asked, "Did you exes mind that you were a heavy drinker?"

"A heavy drinker?" I repeated, "I was just going to have this one and only glass. Does that qualify me as a heavy drinker?"

She said, "What would your exes say?"

I replied, "That I'm not any kind of drinker at all."

She said, "Ask them or I will."

I chuckled and said, "You want me to just go ahead and call them up? Right now?"

Her eyes went really wide and she said, "Or I can. Not right now. Later. Give me their info." She pulled out her phone.

I took another sip of wine. "You're not serious."

"Give me their information. It's for my own protection to find out if you're a heavy drinker or not. Give me their numbers."

I laughed and she widened her eyes even more. "I'm serious. I want their numbers and I will have them."

"Not from me," I said.

She replied, "I want to find out if you're a drinker. Can I really be blamed for that? Guys who drink are 200% more likely to beat their girlfriends. Just give me their numbers. Just give me their numbers."

I said, "I'm not a heavy drinker. But I probably would be if you were my girlfriend."

Yep. I went full-on kamikaze. The rest of the meal was an awkward affair, to say the least, but thankfully that was our only dinner together.


  1. The conversation for the rest of that meal must have been amazing.

    "I can't give you the number of my exes, mainly because I beat them all to death. They were 200% dead when I was done. That's where you kill them, have sex with their corpse, and then eat the remains. Where's that waiter with my second glass, amirite!?"

  2. This is where you start to wonder if this woman either has issues or is projecting her last relationship onto you.

  3. Yeah, I'm guessing it was that she was projecting a previous relationship.

    So, checking references is a thing now?

  4. Totes projecting. And kudos to the OP for seeing this nutcase for what she was and not trying to salvage the date or being a wuss about it (see: other stories).

  5. How was she a nutcase? That's a very real concern.


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