(Beginnings and endings? Similar? How? Click here to find out on this week's Jared's Inkwell! -JMG)

Story Sent in by James:

There's a great independent coffee shop in my town, and so I took Ellen there for our first date. Ellen was pretty tiny. She was five feet and about 120 lbs. We were meeting up after dinner, but shortly after sitting down together, she stood up and said that she was going to get something to eat.

She returned with a thick sandwich and two muffins. "I don't know why I'm so hungry tonight," she explained. Indeed, the food she brought to the table looked like it would effectively double her weight. But as we talked, she worked her way through it like a champ.

After finishing and speaking for a bit, she asked me if I wanted to go to a McDonald's. "I'm having some crazy cravings tonight," she explained, "I'm not normally like this."

It was weird, but we walked to the nearby McD's and she ordered two regular hamburgers. I was positive that she'd be sick, but she polished them up and even went up a second time to grab an ice cream. "I don't normally eat this much," she said again. "I don't know what the deal is."

After we left McDonald's, she stopped walking in the parking lot and stared ahead. She said, "Wait right here," and she ran back inside. I was sure she was going to be sick.

Instead, she came back out with another hamburger. She munched it as if nothing at all was amiss. After she finished it we walked a little bit more and sat down on a bench. It was a warm night and we were right on the main street of the picturesque downtown. Aside from burping a few times, there was no indication that she had eaten in the past hour the amount I normally ate over the course of a few days.

As we sat, she asked me if I had any toilet paper on me. I asked, "Like for tissues?"

She replied, "No, for ass."

"I don't."

She led me to a pharmacy, bought a six-pack of toilet paper, gave me a hug goodnight, and we went our ways.

I wrote her an email the next day and didn't hear from her for a few days. By that point, I was concerned for her well-being. She finally wrote back to let me know that she was still eating a lot but hardly going to the bathroom at all. She was worried about it and was going to see a doctor. At least, that's what I hope she would've said. Her email cut off mid-sentence and I never heard from her again.


  1. That is some prime Touristing, there, ToL :)

    Pseudonyms can't cover this, I think we all know who OP actually went on a date with.

  2. Is it weird that my first thought was that she was a little on the pregnant side?

  3. This guy eats three McDonald's hamburgers, an ice cream cone, two muffins, and a sandwich over the course of three days? Is he on a 700-calorie-a-day diet?

    "This small girl ate a big meal and didn't seem to have any problems from it" is possibly the least exciting bad date ever. Buying toilet paper on her way home is only worth a mention because she did it before saying goodnight rather than after.

  4. @Tanette: I was thinking either pregnant or bulimic. Hard to tell.

  5. Indeed hard to tell or maybe just a nervousness. Either way OP seems rather strange.

  6. The key information here is "...still eating a lot but hardly going to the bathroom at all."

    Definitely a tapeworm. Those little bastards are hungry.

  7. I used to refer to the fetus as a tapeworm. You're right, that's totally what it is. Totally bungs you up, too.

  8. At first I was going to throw my hat in the 'preggers' ring. But then the comment at the end about how she's not going to the bathroom just screamed 'tapeworm'!

    But then again she might have an eating disorder. There's that too.


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