Dinner, Tailor, Soldier, Why?

Story Sent in by Terry:

On my dinner date with Lorraine, she told me about Zack, her boyfriend who she saw from junior year of high school until junior year of college. "He joined the army," she told me, "So he shipped off and I never saw him again."

"That's weird," I countered, "You guys didn't stay in touch?"

She said, "I wrote to him and tried calling but I never heard back."

"What about mutual friends or family? Or Facebook? There has to be a way."

"His family and all our friends moved away. It was like a coordinated conspiracy to keep me away from him."

She seemed pretty choked up about it. It was several years ago, but still.

After dinner and a movie we called it a night. I called her the next afternoon and she picked up in tears. I asked her what was wrong.

"It's Zack! Zack! Zack! Zack!" she repeated his name louder and louder. I assumed she found out he was dead.

Instead she said, "He's come back! He called me up! We were on the phone for like seven hours straight. He's been working in Santa Barbara and he's flying here and he wants to marry me! Oh my God!"

I didn't know what to say so she babbled on about how he was in the army, came back, was married to someone, shipped back out, divorced, came back, married someone else, divorced her, shipped back out, and then came back for good and worked in a warehouse.

The entire conversation had to take at least 20 minutes. I didn't want to be impolite but I was fast tiring of hearing her talk. When she finally took a breath between sobs I told her, "I wish you both the best."

She said, "Yeah, sorry. It's hands off of me for you, now. Or Zack will kill you."

I gave an uncomfortable laugh.

She said, "I mean it. He told me about the men he killed over there. He wouldn't think twice if you tried to step between us."

I said, "Far be it for me to step between a solider and his psycho." I hung up on her, only upset that it took me over 20 minutes to do it.

She called me right back and left a message, blubbering on about how she was giving Zack my number, my address (which she didn't have) and all of my information. If I wasn't going to be happy for her, she threatened, then Zack would make me be happy.

It's been a couple of years since and so far no ex-soldier warehouse worker has come knocking.


  1. So, what's everyone's hunch? Is there actually a Zack that returned? Or a ploy of some sort?

  2. I'd normally guess the simplest explanation: that she was just looking for a way to end things with the OP. But her details went went way above and beyond. Maybe she borrowed the story from a friend. But as to why she'd then call the OP back after he hung up on her? I'm not sure. Possibly insanity.

  3. @JMG - 'Cuz he was supposed to declare his undying love and swear to do anything if she would only choose him instead of Zach. Since OP had the right idea she had two choices: come clean or fully commit. Option two it was, which makes sense as she outta be committed.

    Some people have a very unhealthy notion of what being a Vagina-American is supposed to be like, and think that if their experience deviates then something is catastrophically wrong.

  4. Also, I hope all our New England commenters survived the anniversary coverage yesterday.

  5. Wow Fizziks -- *applause* Good stuff !

  6. Zack? Zack? Was he a Lego maniac?

  7. @Tourist - more confirmation that we grew up completely in sync :)

  8. I am sorry but I am laughing. I have been single for 9 years and for the most part I like it. However I think I have meant the male version of your psycho. There are some strange people out there. What I am wondering is if the guy really showed up. You would think she would be the reason he left.


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