You Get What You Settle For

Story Sent in by Kris:

Five weeks into seeing Lila, we went to a small party that a friend of mine was throwing for his own birthday. At least, it was supposed to be a small party. When we arrived, there were about 20 more people there than I had expected, including Dan.

Dan was a slimy charmer, a self-styled Don Juan. He once boasted to a group of us that he had dated nearly 10 women at once. Such was Dan.

Dan had parked himself in the kitchen by the table with the drinks, flirting with anything female and with a pulse. It was unavoidable that we'd interact with him, and I wanted to make it happen as quickly as possible.

Dan took an instant liking to Lila, but I made it pretty obvious that she and I were together. He stood down, and the rest of the time was great.

As we left, after midnight, Dan followed us out. He told Lila, "It was so great to talk to you! You're really interesting!"

He had barely spoken more than two sentences to her the entire night. Drinking straight-up from a bottle of something, he followed us all the way back to my car. I let Lila in first, and then Dan reached me.

He doubled over and puked onto my car. I pulled him away, but he sprung back over. Then, with some of the vomit on his hands, he held them up to Lila and said, "This isn't puke: it's my warm love, and it's all for you—" He puked again, this time on the ground next to my car.

I jumped inside, then closed and locked the doors. When I started it up, Dan pulled himself up to the top of my car, with what was likely his small remaining strength. He shouted lots of unintelligible nonsense. I drove ahead at about five miles per hour and he slipped off.

Before I could even laugh about it with Lila, I found she had fallen asleep in the car.

Two weeks later, Lila broke up with me. She started seeing Dan, and from what I've heard, the two of them will be engaged shortly.


  1. The OP sounds bitter and jealous. As any woman will attest, we ALL wait for the day when our Prince
    Charming will puke in his hands, offer it as warm
    love and then gallantly slide off the hood of a slow
    moving vehicle. If I were to film a rom com or lady friendly porn, that would be one of the scenarios and
    that shit would kill. Back me up ladies.

    Oh, and OP, why you didn't wake up you date to
    watch the puke. I would have told that guy hey you
    puke on my car and then drove away. I think that
    guy was upset about you dating that girl so he
    throw up on your car so you could seen it.

  2. Ahhhhhhahahahahaha! This story was awesomesauce! Clearly the OP is jealous of Dan and his mad skills. Although, I don't really remember the part in Don Juan where he puked on another guy and then hung on to the roof of a car. But my reading comprehension sucks so....

    @ Devil - Just so you know, I have my Maid of Honor outfit all picked out. Leather and ass-less chaps is what we agreed on, right?

  3. Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

  4. Puke: the *other* bodily secretion you can use to mark your territory.

  5. In my culture, we have a cure for hangover: Just eat one banana before go to bed and boom, no more puking! My mom/dad taught me that!

    Devil, are you getting married??!!!1!!!

  6. I must admit, I'm more intrigued by Green Green than I ever was by Blue Blue. I just assumed from the beginning that Blue Blue was a young female, and never gave it any more thought... yes I know I may or may not be right and I don't care.

    Green Green however, you've got my interest. Are you a long time reader? Have we met you before? Are you really that envious? Is it easy being green (times two, no less)? Are you a little man from outer space? Tell us more, you magnificent emerald bastard!

  7. @The Architect - Leather is for blue collar, burrito eating cretins like kittyrose. You will be wearing the finest lady's business suit that I can find at Loehmann's. My wedding shall be classy yet business like as I am a lady lawyer.

    Connie brings up an important point. Who is this Green Green person? Is he/she the correct spelling and surprisingly coherent alter ego of the consistently incoherent Blue Blue? Did Blue Blue create Green Green as a fascinating diversion so Steve will stop lusting over Blue Blue and the rest of us will stop wondering what kind of genitalia Blue Blue is working with? Will Green Green lure Steve into meeting him/her in IRL but then kill him when he learns that GG is actually Blue Blue who just happens to be an Eastern European lady boy who eats bananas for dinner? Don't kill Steve, Blue Blue!

    I'm kidding. GG is obviously KatieGirl. She's been reading my posts and is totes jealous that there's a new lady lawyer with a Perfect Relationship on the block. Bitches be hatin'.

  8. Green Green, where is the your half of the rent? And stop stealing my bananas! At this rate I am going to need a third job. Maybe I should intern at devil lady lawyer's office. Or maybe take steve up on his offer. A job hunting here I go. Op, god job let her date don juan! he probably sucks at getting girls. some self style don juan usually sucks @ getting girls.

  9. Mom/dad/Blue Blue I'm working hard for my part of our rent! The street corner you put me work on is not going so well. They are not sure if I girl or guy! I tell them "Join the club dude!" but still no dates yet :(

    Connie I don't read much but I do have a few books at home that my momdad Blue Blue got me. I dont know if we've met before unless that was you that just drove by my street corner with your butt cheeks pressed to the glass. Butt you are right, its not easy being green. People point and stare and my momdad won't let me borrow the family bike. We are not from outerspace or maybe we are, I will never disclose this.

    Devil, maybe im katiegirl and maybe not. Did she mysteriously disappear?

  10. @ Devil - A business suit with ass-less chaps might look a little weird but I'm up for whatever floats your boat.

    @ Green Green - You ARE KatieGirl! Wait, no, you haven't mentioned a boyfriend, studying for a law degree or cruising dating sites for fun. Humm...

    @ Connie - Could it be?

  11. @ Architect, she could be katiegirl, hiding her boyfriend, law degree or cruising dating sites for fun.
    @ Green Green, I am not your mother/father, and instead of using the street corner, go into grocery stores and apply there! or cell phone stores!!!!! or you know go apply @ theme parks!!!! baby sit little kids!
    @ Devil, don't you mean don't kill steve Green Green?

  12. Def not KatieGirl; Green Green is actually funny. I'm worried about that single parent household right now, tho....not even your jobs are safe in this economy Blue Blue

  13. The OP might want to look into figuring out when his life turned into a sitcom because this sounds like some shit that would happen on Friends.

    Seriously, if that's what she's attracted to then Danny boy did you a favor. Consider that bullet dodged.

  14. @ Fizziks my job is safe cause i keep kissing ass, just to save myself. I throw them a compliment each day!!!! Fizziks if you are worried about green green take her, provide her with plenitful bananas.

  15. Also, sorry green green, you have a new legal guardian now, named Fizziks, this person can provide many many bananas. And give you the life you dream about.

  16. first, don't you dare mess with steve green green blue blue because I will cut a bitch or a bastard whichever one you are. I keep a knife in my bra. and two, what's all this talk about bananas? and devil, i can't wait for the wedding.

  17. Thanks for the shout out Tanette. You are invited as I feel you're not blue collar. You will co-officiate as I think Fizziks is a closet drunk and may very well bang Art's best man and possibly my father who is a lawyer as well.

    The banana talk goes back a few posts. Something about BlueBlue saying she used to eat bananas for din din when he was a poor college student. Some kind of unfunny shit like that.

  18. tanette what are you talking about? Mess with steve in what way?

  19. I don't remember and I'm too lazy to read. Just don't mess with Steve.


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