The Other Green Meat

Story Sent in by Mia:

Phil ordered a salad at dinner. I ordered a chicken sandwich. After I had ordered and the waitress had left, he said, "Chicken is not a vegetable."

"That's right," I reassured him. I wasn't sure why he was saying it. I never told him I was a vegetarian.

He gave me a hard stare through squinted eyes and repeated, "Chicken is not a vegetable."

I didn't understand what he was talking about. I said, "I think it comes with lettuce and tomato. And fries. Fries are from a vegetable... right?"

He set his jaw hard, pointed to my water glass, and said, "Water is no vegetable."

I said, "Phil? Is everything okay? What are you talking about?"

He said, "When the waitress comes back, you'll see. I'll get a toothpick. You'll see."


He didn't wait for the waitress. Instead, he headed up to the front of the restaurant, where they had a toothpick dispenser. He returned to the table with one and stuck it into a piece of the complimentary bread.

"That's my flag," he said.

"Your flag?"

He nodded, and a smile spilled over his face, "The flag of consistency. Or inconsistency, as it were."

"So... what were you talking about, before? About chicken being a vegetable–"

"Chicken is not a vegetable. It is not."

"Okay." I was sorry I brought it up.

When our food came and I ate my sandwich, he pointed at it and said, "Not a vegetable," twice. I ignored it, and we didn't go out again.


  1. Wow. Sounds like a winner.

  2. Jared are you being deliberately provocative? As a magnificent Griffin and therefore half bird I of course think the OP is a total bitch for eating a chicken sandwich. But like the OP karma is also a bitch. This deliberate incitement will surely blow up in your face when Steve, unable to help himself, demands no more first date dinners with ABCOTD's collapsing shortly after from the sudden lack of stories.
    Thankfully I took the high road, chilled the fire in my blood by pecking at the mirror for a bit and made an objective assessment of the situation. Please Steve don't stoop to Jared's level, think of all those angry lawyers that will be after you for spoiling their favorite preening site.
    Anyway, my conclusion is that Phil is the vegetable here, drooling & repeating himself over and over, clearly the product of the love scene in Deliverance.

  3. He's just trying to impress his date with his knowledge (by stating the obvious) and reacts negatively when he receives no praise. Poor Phillip.

    But really - I've met some men who have to go on and on about how smart they think they are and how they think of things NO other people think about...sigh....this is not really relevant but there's no comments so I'm just here babbling to myself in a corner.

  4. On a side note - I could really go for a chicken sammich right now.

  5. That was a very insensitive comment but I'm also half cat so I have mixed feelings toward you Kitty.

  6. Cat is not a vegetable either!

  7. I keep picturing the scene in Total Recall (not that Colin Farrel shit. No one should ever have to watch that) where all Arnie could say was "Two weeks...". I so wanted this guy's head to start vibrating "Chicken is not a vegetable!" then explode. Movies have taught me to be unrealistic in my expectations.

    You should have told him that "Bread is not a flag".


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