Happy Trees

Story Sent in by Jody:

Eric and I walked in a park together on a sunny afternoon. As we strolled, he laughed to himself uncontrollably. I asked him what his problem was.

He broke away from me, lay down on his back on the dirt next to a moderate-sized tree, then straddled the trunk with his legs so that the trunk appeared to be reaching up from between his legs.

He said, "C'mon, baby!" and slapped at the tree, laughing himself silly.

I gave him a sad smirk and said, "That's great. Can we keep going?"

He stood back up and said, "What's wrong? Not interested?"

"Not when you do that."

He said, "You should try it. You'll like it."

Was this guy serious? He was. I said, "No thanks."

He said, "Do it as a favor, for me? It's probably the closest I'll get to any action, tonight."

We both laughed at that, and not surprisingly, he was right!


  1. Well, he did have some serious wood, but I think it was better that OP remained splinter free. But let's get to the root of the problem here. I'm sure you just wished he'd leaf you alone and he probably deciduous not worth the effort. OP, you did great not being a flaming birch, but he was definitely a big old ash.

  2. And they say chivalry is dead...

  3. Slowest.....comment.....day......ever!

    Looks like I'm going to have to do this myself:

    Wow, this guy was a real sap. OP really needs to branch out in the dating pool, then maybe she can enjoy the fruits of her labor. There's nothing like a budding new relationship to keep your friends evergreen. But even if it ends badly, I'm sure your heartwood go on.

  4. As KatieGirl:
    I'm so glad my dates were never this bad! But that's because I put out love and good vibrations to the world!!!!11!!!1! I should be studying right now for my law degree but I'm just spending too much time with my special guy. I'm so lucky to have found him! Time to go cruise some dating sites "for fun"!

  5. As Blue Blue:
    But OP, why did he lay on the ground with a tree between the legs? Then you could not climb on and his pants are dirty!

  6. I feel bad making fun of Blue Blue because I think s/he is mildly retarded.

    KatieGirl, on the other hand...

  7. As Fizziks:

    @ Steve - Oh, chivalry isn't dead, I have it chained up in my cavernous vagoo doing my bidding. Those cervix walls aren't going to coat themselves in mayonnaise, you know.

  8. As myself:

    Love the title Jarred! I'm a huge Bob Ross fan. Nobody could rock a 'fro like that guy!

  9. As JMG:

    GODDAMNIT! It's JARED! One "R"! Is that so hard?!

  10. As Steve:

    Chunky Horse only has one "R" in His name too. But if you say it wrong, you'll hear the gentle sound of a chainsaw cranking up behind you.

  11. As myself:

    @ KatieGirl - My cat should also be studying right now for her meow-sters thesis but she is too busy cuddling with me! I'm so lucky she found me!!!!1!

    @ JMG - Calm down J, don't throw me in Fizziks' dungeon just because I can't spell! I don't even like mayonnaise!

  12. As Tanette:

    You guys are the best! Howie and Steve, you two can fight it out over who gets to plant their tree in my park! :-)

  13. As Connie:

    I'm not totally sure what he wanted her to do. Smack the tree? Lay down in the same position as him? Start licking the tree like an ice cream cone, slurping and sucking all the way? What constitutes 'action' in his world view? It's not like the tree is ribbed for her pleasure or anything. In my experience, quite the opposite is true. If you take that tree internally, it'll be chafing for a while to come. What a weirdo.

  14. As Nikki:

    I don't usually say this, but this story was fucking horrible. Throw yourself in front of the next train you come across, please.

    Wow, that came out really angry. I thought Aunt Flow had gone back to her home in Bitchtown earlier in the week and I was currently in FirstweekofthepillsoI'mreallyhornyville, but I guess not! :P

  15. Now do Scientist Fiancé!

  16. As Scientist Fiancé:

    I think the tree, or Fraxinus americana, was a symbol of his love for you and his desire to reproduce. Trees have long been a symbol of life and fertility in many cultures and I believe the OP may have jumped to conclusions about this gentleman's motives. I pulled this same maneuver with my wife to be and now we are engaged. I'm so lucky to have found her!!!!1!!11!!!!


  18. I just want to crawl into The Architect's cavernous vagoo, while she's impersonating Fizziks', with just my head sticking out. Then make her do a handstand so I can pretend to be giving birth to her.
    Proudest mother ever.

  19. Truly the best comment day ever, Architect.

  20. Love it!! I wondered how the comments went from 2 to 21 for this story. I mean it was good, but not 21 comments good...

    Note to self - start commenting more so The Architect can do an awesome impression of me too! Unless TA ends up thinking I'm like KatieGirl, in which case I'll just submit myself to Chunky Horse and wait for that sweet sweet chainsaw.

    And for whatever reason I assume English is BlueBlue's second language, that it's a girl, and she's asian.

  21. @ SmallCityGirl - LOL, thanks for the kudos! Your posts are great and there is no way you could be KatieGirl. The universe doesn't have that many centers.

    I wanted to do so many other people but I didn't know the styles well enough and didn't want to get on their bad side. Otherwise I'd be looking over my shoulder and listening for the sound of a chainsaw.

  22. Impressive architect! It's like they are your alter egos.

  23. omg!!!!! architect thanks for being my comment. did u miss me?

  24. You know I did Blue, you know I did.

  25. That's precisely what I would say, so I have nothing to add.


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