An Offer She Can Refuse

Story Sent in by Evette:

Dinner with Ben was at a nice Italian restaurant, but over the course of it, on and off, he had put on a fake Italian accent, and rushed us through it to show me "something" up on the hill. As we sat next to each other on a stone wall, overlooking part of town, he pointed to the city lights and said, "One day, all this will be mine."

"The city?" I asked him.

He nodded gravely, "This isn't something I normally bring out on first dates, but I'm the heir to a huge Italian crime family, based in Brooklyn, New York, United States."

I said, "But we're in Florida."

"So? Italians are everywhere."

I said, "You're three-quarters Polish, a quarter French."

"No I'm not. Who told you that?"

"You did, in one of your first emails to me."

He squinted into space, like he was really trying to remember it, then ultimately shrugged and asked, "Want to see my kielbasa?"

I didn't see his kielbasa, and I didn't go out with him again.


  1. Did you promptly light a candle, and drive home?

  2. What's it called when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

    A speech impediment!

  3. I love it when people have to give precise ratios of their Caucasianness.

  4. What do you call a guy who brags about getting laid for a 19.95 oil change? L-A-M-E.

    don't be making comments about Italians!

  5. I love that he specified that Brooklyn, New York was in the United States. He knew he was busted and still went for it though. Got to give the guy a little credit.

    @ Fizzkis - I'm 1/4 paste, 1/4 Elmer's glue, 1/4 white Play-Doh, and 1/4 styrofoam....exactly.

  6. I'm half Irish and half Scottish. I love to drink, but hate to pay for them.

  7. I love ya baby but all I can think about is
    Kielbasa sausage, your butt cheeks is warm.

  8. KatieGirl, don't you talk about Steve like that. He is very special to me. And I think the joke is highlighting the sterotype that Italian's talk with their hands a lot. Not nearly half as bad as Theo Von's Mexican jokes. Howie, which one hates to pay for the drinks? I'm not up on my stereotypes. Very interesting that this guy tried to impress someone with being a crime boss. I love it when people "catch" other people on stuff. I just came from a writer's meeting in which beer was involved. Imagine that, half drunk critiques of my awkward dialogue. :) I'm rambling...Also, hey J, how's life?

  9. I love it when people take ABCotD comments seriously. My love involves a lot of rolling eyes.

  10. I'm sort of in agreement with the comments, but any social relationships that people have, online or otherwise, promote socialization, which is a good thing. It makes people feel connected.

    I'm glad you found someone special in your life and I did not mean to diminish any thought you had about him with my comment. I did see an oil change yesterday though advertised for $14.95.

  11. KatieGirl can't stop taking Steve's jokes literally, but is aghast, aghast I tell you, that people thought her cruising dating sites when she's "not really" single anymore was possibly a disservice to her partner.

    For those of you keeping score at home --
    Scrutinizing other people's profiles and making their desire and desperation your lulz: good.

    Minimizing the intimate connection you have with another person to justify the above: good.

    Making some jokes in the comments of a blog where all the commenters make jokes: bad.

    I hope you feel a real sense of connection, hon. I really enjoyed this socializing. It's a good thing.

  12. Katie, for you, I'd give you an oil change AND a tire rotation! Because you're WORTH it! xoxo

  13. Fizziks, I think Katie just wants to have a feud with me, so that we can have angry hate-sex at an undisclosed future time. Who would I be to deny her that?

  14. I concede your point, Steve. You're so gracious about this -- you are both a scholar and a prince! ;)

  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

  16. I'm not going to lie, I'm looking for a fight to as I am about tired of this continuous assness coming out of school this semester. Let the feud continue!

  17. ^Don't forget the angry hate-sex!

  18. It would be a waste of a good feud without the hate-sex afterward/in the meantime.

  19. First, I'm sooo jealous right now. Steve, how could you! I think I'm going to have to pay a visit to Howie. And second, which is better, broken table sex or angry hate sex?

  20. Fizziks, by the by, you're awesome.

  21. @tanete -- thankee, hon. And it's best when you're angry hate sex leads to broken table sex, especially if it's not your table.


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