Mostly Harmless

Story Sent in by Noreen:

Walter and I met for our first date in the winter. We had lunch and then a walk across a large college campus for a comedy show. Despite my layering up, I was still cold, and Walter noticed. He told me to follow him to his car, which was parked nearby. My thinking was that he was going to drive us to the show.

Instead, he opened his car trunk and pulled out a folded, crusty towel. He shook it out in the wind, said, "You can wrap this around yourself," and carried it toward me. It stank like mildew, and I stepped away. He gave me a confused look and I told him I'd be okay if he drove us or if we simply walked fast.

He asked me what was wrong with the towel, and I told him it smelled funny. He buried his face in it and breathed in. He said he couldn't smell anything, then carried it closer to me, again.

"No!" I told him, and moved away, again.

He threw the towel into his trunk, shut it, said to me, "It's a long walk. See you there," then stepped into his car, locked the doors, and drove away without me.

I walked back to my car, which was a fair distance, but I preferred that to seeing him again. On my way, he texted me, "Just arrived. See you soon. Hope you're not too cold." Then, a little later, he wrote, "It's starting. Hurry up. Are you cold?"

Later still, after I had made it back home, he wrote, "Can't believe you're not here yet. This is the best show ever. It's so warm in here."

Even later, he wrote, "Just won the door prize, $1,000! Would've split with you if you were here." There were no door prizes for that show, so I had no idea why he continued to bother me. His texts ultimately stopped.

However, that summer, I received a text from him that said, "Going to a comedy show tonight. Want to come?"

Over the following five or so years, I'd receive a random text from him every now and again, once or twice a year, saying that he was going to a comedy show and that I was invited. I never replied to his messages, and he finally stopped sending them, altogether.


  1. Oh, there was a door prize alright, but the tickets were towels. Filthy filthy towels.

  2. Haha... I like this guy's style. That'll teach you to reject his moldy towel!

  3. I think it's clear that the OP has fallen for the coat and jacket propaganda that is shoved down our throats by the liberal media. Anyone who knows "the truth" knows that old musty, mildewed towels stored in car trunks are the best way to keep warm. It's a scientific fact that mildew is the best insulator of all time. Yeah, it might give you a respiratory infection but it keeps you warm dammnit!

  4. Glad his crazy showed so quickly. Considering how long he harassed you after one unfinished date, can you imagine what he'd do if you'd have done a couple of dates? You would've had to file a restraining order.

  5. OP gave him a proper cold shoulder.

  6. Never go anywhere without your towel! Loved the title JMG!

  7. Thanks. For all the fish.

  8. I love how he gets butthurt when you don't accept his disgusting towel. His desperate need for attention shines through his texts.... I don't get why people do that. They think they are winning by continuously harassing someone when they really come off as pathetic. And seriously? Five years? Most people change/mature at least a little by then.

  9. Why are there sooo many strange people!

  10. The guy acted like an immature tool. Maybe the OP shouting NO was overreacting but why in the world would you leave your date there, and assume she'll just walk to the show. What an ass. If he takes rejection of his dirty towel that harsh, I'd hate to see what else would happen. Seems he couldn't get over it either.

  11. "Does this towel smell like chloroform to you?"
    ~ Jared, at some dirty Southie dive bar, 2005

  12. Steve would know. It's how we met, and why he's a kidney short.


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