Hey, These Burgers Taste Funny

Story Sent in by Caleb:

The summer after my freshman year in college, I worked part-time at a fast food place in a mall food court with Amanda. Amanda was tattooed, had eight piercings (that I could see), was tall, and had some downright sexy legs. We were the two youngest employees by something close to 10 years, so we bonded pretty quickly. I was brave enough to take her out on one date around the end of the summer, and we kissed at the end of it. It was a sweet end to the season, and it made coming home smelling like burgers almost worth it.

I went back off to college, several states away, and although we stayed in touch a fair amount at the beginning of the semester, schoolwork, sports, and social events meant that I had less and less time to devote to her, and soon we fell out of touch. In all fairness, we both could've been in touch more.

The summer after my sophomore year, it was no more flipping burgers: I had an internship in a cool recording studio in a city close to home. I had also found a girlfriend in college that year, and I was pretty crazy about her.

The morning after I had arrived back home for summer break, Amanda called me to ask if I was back in town. She wanted to get together. I didn't see any harm in it, although I planned to tell her that I was seeing someone. For all I knew, Amanda was seeing someone, too. I'd have been happy for her, were that the case.

We arranged to meet in front of the mall that evening. Amanda gave me the biggest hug when she saw me, and she suggested that we hit up a nearby restaurant and a movie.

At dinner, at first, Amanda laughed at almost everything I said, as if she thought I was some strange, handsomer blend of Will Ferrell, Bill Murray, and Groucho Marx. I like to think I have a good sense of humor, but she seemed to be overdoing it on the laughing. She told me that over the past year, she had been promoted to assistant manager at the burger place. Then, when the time seemed right in the conversation, I told her that I had a girlfriend.

"Oh my God," Amanda said, then repeated, "Oh my God" a few more times.

I asked her, "Are you okay?"

She replied, "I thought I was your girlfriend."

We had never made anything official, had "the talk," or even been in touch very much over the past several months. Yet she apparently believed that things were more serious between us than they were.

I tried to let her down gently. "I'm sorry. We just had the one date, and we've hardly been in touch, and I thought we were just friends."

"Just friends who've kissed loads of times."

"Uh... once."

"I can't believe this."

She put her face in her hands. I said, "We can still hang out, go see the movie–"

She said, "Not much point to that, now, is there?"

She was pretty snippy through the rest of dinner, and at the end of it, she forged on ahead of me, out of the restaurant. I called after her, "Wait up. Are you going to be okay?"

She replied, "I'm going to mash my face into the burger grill. Maybe then, you'll take me seriously."

That alarmed me. I said, "You're not really going to do that, are you?"

"Watch me," she said, then took off, toward the mall, at a sprint.

I ran after her until I stopped caring, which was about 10 feet. I went home.

A little less than an hour later, she sent me the following four texts in rapid succession:

I've avoided the mall food court ever since.


  1. Could we grab a translation of "I'm going to mash my face into the burger grill. Maybe then, you'll take me seriously" in Latin? Sounds like it should be humanity's official motto.

  2. Then, when the time seemed right in the conversation, I told her that I had a girlfriend.

    I mean in all honesty, I understand the time apart thing, etc., but maybe you should have told her that over the phone prior to going out with her. Maybe she assumed you were still single and wanted to pick up where things left off. It seems that you might have known she was still interested. If you had said that over the phone, the date fiasco might have been avoided.

    But then, we'd have no story. interesting way to go though, throwing yourself onto a burger grill. Maybe those burning texts were how she felt after she did it.

  3. I, too, think he should have told her up front that he had a girlfriend. Did his girlfriend know he was going to dinner and a movie (alone) with another girl he had previously dated? (Even though it was only one date, there was clearly flirting and mutual interest prior to that).

  4. This story was fantastic! Well done OP. It got started a little slow but you finished well. "I ran after her until I stopped caring, which was about 10 feet." was my favorite. Measuring how much you care in feet = awesome!

  5. I'd love to see the rebuttal story for this one.

  6. Boy meets girl
    Boy meets another girl
    Girl loses boy
    Girl meets grill
    Grilled girl meat

  7. Am I the only one that thinks the "BURNING ALWAYS BURNING BURNING" is about her cooter?

  8. Fizziks, I thought she meant her love for him will always be burning.

  9. See, and I thought she was clearly referencing the Olympic flame, which must be kept always burning on its route to whichever host city is lucky enough to be hosting that particular year's Olympic Games. Shows what I know.

  10. I think I'd enjoy a girlfriend that I only had to see a few times a year...

  11. @ Howie - I like grilled girl meat but getting that burnt hair smell out of the house takes weeks! Note to self: shave victims BEFORE cooking them.

  12. While I agree that he ought to have told her over the phone that he was seeing someone I don't think her assumption that they were still dating was reasonable. If she was just upset that they couldn't get back together that would make sense. But the lack of contact was mutual. She chose not to contact him at all for months. For all she knew he'd considered himself dumped.

    You can't call yourself someone's boyfriend or girlfriend if you can't even check to make sure they're still alive every once in a while.

    It's also worth noting that someone is being emotionally abusive when they threaten to harm themselves in order to get you to do what they want so any sympathy I had for her was gone once she did that.

  13. I agree - she definitely should not have assumed they were a couple. Especially since they fell out of touch. Her reaction was definitely over the top. Lol

  14. Bahahahahahahaha.

    You just..... hahahahahahahah.


  15. Ego faciem meam in craticula confunditur. Fortasse igitur graviter sume tibi.

  16. Thank you, Dunicha. I'm astonished that there exists a Latin translation for "burger grill."

    I'll start on the stationery.

  17. I still think, if you left things hanging that way, that you should bring up the fact you have a girlfriend. At the same point, if I was her, rather than threaten my demise via fast food equipment, I would have just said, "Well I see we had different expectations and if I knew you had a girlfriend, I wouldn't have pursued this." And simply left.

    Have some dignity.

  18. That's I guess how you know you've found the right person-you don't mind having them around all the time!

  19. I don't see how anyone can fault the OP even a tiny bit. For all he knew (and I would assume this as well), they were just two friends who were catching up. If they had slept together or even had did more than kiss yeah, I could see him bringing up the gf during the call to make sure everything was clear.

  20. Steve, we should totally hook up. I'm old and set in my ways. ;) Nice Latin Duchina. Thanks for suggesting it, J. Howiewasapoet. (okay, I'm not as clever as you. I get that). And as far as OP goes, rect and Dev, I agree with you, yeah, not his fault at all. And he dodged a bullet of some kind.

  21. OP should have helped her grill herself to a sizzling demise...then had his way with her. I'm pretty certain necrophilia isn't cheating.
    This way, it's pretty much a win-win situation all around!

  22. I too laughed-out-loud at the "caring for about ten feet." Ha. But yes - that's bizarre. And I'm sure a lot of dudes out there would love a girlfriend they can hook up with a couple times a year and then barely speak to her. I'm a little confused though. Does the fact that she assumed they were in a serious relationship make her needy? Or does she lack dependency because she was out of touch during their "relationship"? So strange.

  23. This was obviously something the OP considered a DATE. If it wasn't, he wouldn't have submitted it for A Bad Case of the DATES. Therefore, the OP went out on a date with somebody he had made out with and didn't tell her about his girlfriend. Sure, Amanda was clingy and kind of insane, but any way you slice it, OP behaved kind of like a douchebag.

  24. I mean, he didn't tell her about his GF until *halfway into the date.* Her anger is understandable.

  25. there isn't. just grill.

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  28. Wolf, your logic is flawed. We've had plenty of stories that weren't really dates.


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