What Is it About the Green Ones?

Story Sent in by James:

Joann, who I'd been dating for a few months, invited me to her house for a Saturday morning breakfast. I promised I'd whip up some pancakes, and so I ended up at her apartment, right on time.

She said that she needed to freshen up a bit, but that she would join me in the kitchen shortly. I took out my ingredients and went to work.

I was surprised when I had enough time to finish my pancakes while Joann hadn't made a second appearance. I covered the pancakes and went looking for her, calling for her, in all the rooms of her apartment. Oddly, she wasn't there anymore. Perhaps she had stepped out, possibly for ingredients, but I was surprised that she wouldn't say anything.

What I did find, which was odd, was a small pile of green M&Ms on her bed. They weren't wrapped or on a plate, nor were there M&Ms of any other color nearby. About a dozen handfuls worth of green ones on her neatly made bed. I didn't take any, but I returned to the kitchen and set her table. I called her phone and left a voicemail.

When she didn't return after a further 20 minutes, I tried her phone again, hung up when she didn't pick up, grabbed one of her books, and started on the pancakes.

She returned a little less than an hour later with a single jar of caramel.

"I put it on my pancakes," she explained, "Instead of syrup."

I said, "That's fine. I had no idea where you went."

She asked, "I didn't tell you I was going out for caramel?"

She hadn't. Unless she had whispered it from another room while I was making pancakes. She unscrewed the top of the caramel jar and said, "Caramel goop!" and poured a glob of it on the floor, then continued pouring it over a chair, the table, and ultimately the stack of pancakes themselves, without asking me if I wanted caramel on them, which I didn't.

We ate the pancakes in silence. She wolfed them down like she was on some uncontrollable sugar rush. I couldn't understand it, and I had never seen her act that manic before. Then, once she was done, she drank an entire glass of water and left the kitchen without a word.

As I finished my pancakes, I heard a strange, repeated thumping sound. When I walked to her bedroom to investigate, I found her laying on her bed, M&Ms strewn everywhere. She was moaning.

I asked her, "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

She replied, "I was jumping on my bed and hit my head on the ceiling."

I made her a cold compress and set her up under the covers of her bed, amidst the M&Ms. She thanked me and went to sleep. I cleaned up in the kitchen and left.

She wrote me an email that night to say that she didn't think we should be together anymore. No more explanation than that, and thus ended that relationship.


  1. Sounds like you missed something fun.

  2. Man, where are all these great, understanding guys who make you pancakes, kiss your boo-boos, tuck you in AND clean your kitchen even after you've acted like a complete lunatic?

    I think I have dating and men all wrong. Screw being not crazy and easy going. I'm gonna start stabbing my dates with forks, sending pictures of my pee to my dates and piling green M&Ms on my bed. I can taste the pancakes already.

    1. LMAO. Ditto, TheDevilYouKnow!

      I call BS. There is NO way this man exists. If so, I need to get my crazy on... :)

    2. Agreed! Crazy girls get all the good ones!

  3. So what you're telling us is that you were dating a really fat chick who ate like a pig and left snacks all around the house.

    1. Fat is better than saggy and old ...


  4. Green M&Ms mean that someone is horny and wants sexual activity. I wonder if that is what the girlfriend meant and the carmarel was purchased for this activity. When she realized he wasn't getting her hints, she got upset and acted like a fool.

    Or she was just insane. Either way if you want something just say it. Communication is key!

  5. Maybe she had diabetes and went into a sugar coma.

  6. It is true i myself am a bit cooky and my bf is amazing :)


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