All That's Not Gold Does Not Glitter

Story Sent in by Susan:

Dan sent me an email before our first date to ask me if I liked gold. I replied that I did, and he mentioned nothing else about it until we were sitting across the table from each other at a sushi place.

He passed a small gift bag across the table to me and said, "This is for you."

It was a sweet gesture, and I felt bad as I hadn't bought him anything. I thanked him and he said, "You can open it now or wait until after dinner."

I waited until after we had eaten, and dinner itself went all right. He was a little full of himself, but nothing too over-the-top. I opened the gift bag and pulled out the gift.

It was a rock, about half the size of my fist, and pretty unremarkable. I looked it over and over, and before I could ask, "Why a rock?" he said, "That's weird. Give it to me for a sec?"

I handed it to him and he examined it from all sides and said, "That's really funny. I put a gold bracelet in there for you... clearly, it turned into this rock."

He sniffed the rock, then handed it back to me. I took it. He said, "It was a gold bracelet, I promise you that. No idea why it's a rock now, but enjoy it. I guess."


"No problem! Sorry."

If it was a joke, I didn't get it. I didn't really expect or want a gold bracelet, but I wasn't sure what the point was of his game.

He went on, "Hold onto it. It might turn back into a gold bracelet again. I really don't understand it. I swear it was a gold bracelet when I put it in there. I guess it turned back into a rock."


He paid the check, but went on and on about the "bracelet:"

"I swear, I bought you the nicest gold bracelet."

"I've never seen a gold bracelet turn into a rock before, have you?"

"Do you think that all the gold in the world just turned into rocks at once, or just this bit?"

As I was wearing gold earrings, I didn't really buy that last theory. It was all too weird for me, and it was the only date we ever went on.

As for the rock, it somehow wound up on the side of the road, that night. If it turned into a gold bracelet by morning, well, my loss, I guess.


  1. Why didn't you sleep with him? He went all through the trouble to get you a gold bracelet, after all...

  2. I can only assume the OP was very, very fat and the chap on the date thought she might exchange her wares for money. And I guess he just didn't like Chunky Whores.

    1. ^ Ahhhhhhahahahahahah! I see what you did there.

  3. maybe he brought two boxes, one an actual gift and the other a rock. decided it wasn't worth trying to sleep with you and gave you the rock?

  4. No, no, you guys have it all wrong. Dan is actually a genius. That rock was a murder weapon! He got her prints all over it, and she disposed of it in a random location that he was completely unconnected to.

    Not too sure how well it would work for a bloody knife or a gun though....everyone knows gold doesn't turn into knives or guns.

  5. OP, give Dan back the empty gift bag. "This used to be full of all the fucks I gave about you, but looks like they all disappeared."
    Then Hammer Dance you way out of the restaurant.

    1. You are the best SaggyGrandmama ever.

  6. At least you have a memorable date!

  7. Obviously Dan was a failed magician. Only his best trick was making all his dates disappear.


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