Gurge and Regurge

Story Sent in by Max:

Lorraine and I worked in the same IT department at the same company. The first time I met her, I thought she was hot, and she seemed to possess a fun, quirky personality to boot. Only problem was that in one of our early conversations, she mentioned a boyfriend.

We remained friends, and after several months of platonic talk and such, I gathered that she was no longer seeing the guy. I asked her if she wanted to grab a drink after work, and she said that she'd be up for it.

We met up at a bar not far from the office and, as it was close to dinnertime, we sat down to order dinner. Talking to her was great, and as fun as our in-office conversations were, she really seemed to let her hair down once we were out of there. She laughed more, smiled more, and I found myself really starting to fall for her.

Our dinners were served. She had ordered a chicken sandwich. As I watched, she took a colossal bite out of it. Literally, at least 30% of the sandwich was ripped away. Then, she grabbed her drink, a pomegranate martini, and expunged the contents of her mouth into it. All 30% of that chicken sandwich plopped into the half-finished drink.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

She said, "Softening it. What, you've never seen someone do this before?"

I shook my head. She didn't explain it any further, so I prodded, "Softening it?"

She said, "Yeah. It helps digestion when alcohol softens the food a bit. You've really never heard of it?"

"Is it like... a fad diet or something?"

She laughed. "No! You're really asking me this? People have been doing this for years. No one's ever called me out on it."

I asked, "Is that what you expect me to do with my own meal?"

She said, "No way. If you're fine eating the way you eat, then I've got nothing to say about it."

She had a point... I guess. I didn't mention anything else about it, but you'd better believe it when I say that the rest of her sandwich, her fries, and even her side of coleslaw took the mouth-drink-back-to-mouth joyride. She went through a couple of martinis in the process.

Just because I really liked her, aside from the regurgitation, I asked her out twice more, and we kissed a bit, but overall, it became too much for me to really handle (she did it with everything) and I ended my romantic interest in her. Especially as she would bring a bottle of alcohol with her for the process, if we went to a place that didn't serve it.


  1. Lorraine is obviously a raging alcoholic who came up with a really stupid (and gross) excuse to carry around a bottle of booze. You dodged a big, drunken bullet OP. Personally, I would have grilled her about it until she flipped out.

    "Why don't you use water? Water can break down compounds."
    "Why don't you use soda? It's acidic, ya know"
    "Why don't you use orange juice? It's acidic, ya know"
    "Why don't you just order smoothies?"
    "Why don't you just eat baby food?"
    "Why are you so gross, Lorraine?"

  2. Yeah, my first thought was also that she's a functioning alcholic who figured out an excuse to carry around a bottle of booze. You should have tapped it, though, if she was so hot...

  3. There is a "spit and swallow" joke here that I'm just too overwhelmed to make. Comment thread....have at it!

  4. Glad she didn't use it for oral. Just saying.

  5. I'm sorry to say I've not had to make this decision but...

    Who would or wouldn't knock boots with someone who was uberhot and equally crazy? Does the graph have a critical point?

    1. It does have a critical point, much like Demetri Martin's "How hot a girl is VS. how interested I am in hearing about her cat" graph. At a certain point, it does not matter how hot she is, you just can't put up with exorbitant amounts of crazy.

    2. It's less about the degree of crazy and more about the way it manifests itself.


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