Evidence of Absence

Story Sent in by Maile:

Jeffrey messaged me online. I was attracted to his claim that he had hiked the Appalachian Trail, and so based on that, we started a conversation that led to a date.

Since most of my first questions to him had been about that particular hike, and hiking in general, a lot of our date was spent discussing hiking. At one point, I found myself shocked when he actually asked me, "Want to camp out tonight?"

Camp-out on a first date? Uh... no thanks. I declined.

"Why not? We can keep each other warm. Even without sex."

"Okay, we're done talking about this."

He rolled his eyes and said, "I don't get it. You had me convinced that you were into camping. We don't have to go far. There's a park about seven miles away from here. I swear I won't touch you."

"I don't do camp-outs on first dates, Jeffrey."

He said, "Then that's a fact you should have down on your profile, isn't it? Seems like a pretty big omission!"

I laughed. "I didn't think it had to be said!"

"You're going to give guys the wrong idea. Now here I am, all ready to camp, and I need release. Will you at least do that? We can go to my car. I think you owe it to me. At least that."

I forgot what I actually said to that, but I can remember that it probably wasn't something intelligible, to which Jeffrey evidently guessed, rightly, that I would have nothing to do with his suggestion.

"Come on!" he groaned, "You won't even do that? It wasn't on your profile that you wouldn't entertain the thought of it. False advertising, Maile. False advertising."

He sat back, and I took that to mean that he had accepted, however glumly, that he wouldn't be receiving any action from me that night. I offered to help pay for dinner, which he accepted, and probably less than 10 minutes later, the date was over and I was on my way home.


  1. Jeffrey is right. It is common knowledge that if you don't explicitly state what you won't do with a date on your online profile that you're legally bound to do whatever creepy idea a date comes up with. I learned that my first day in Business Law.

  2. Epic Fail, OP. You should have told him that he had to pay for dinner and pay you the same amount in cash just for having to tolerate his douchitude and that not outing himself as an assclown on his profile was also false advertising.

    I wish I had the superpowers of douchenozzledar and teleportation so I could rescue women from bad dates. It seriously frosts my balls that I share a gender with guys like this.

    1. Ah - but if she HAD insisted he pay, we would be hearing cried of "dinner whore" from the peanut gallery.

  3. You guys, this bad date could have totally been avoided had the OP realized that "Hiking the Appalachian Trail" is now code for having sex thanks to SC Governor Mark Sanford. When she expressed interest in "Hiking", well you can understand poor Jeffery's frustration....

    1. IKR - I started reading this story and went, "whoa! She's attracted to a claim!?" I imagine that 'Maile' (WTF kind of name is that??!!) is also attracted to claims of climbing dangerous peaks, rescuing stranded hikers in the Alaskan wilderness, and wrestling alligators in a Florida swamp... I wonder if claims are good in the sack??!!


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