Bad Dream House

Story Sent in by Raymond:

Carmen was a realtor who I met online. She and I were both Phillies fans, so our first date involved the two of us at a bar, bonding over a game.

She invited me over to her house for our second date, less than a week later. Her house... her mansion, was eye-poppingly humongous. It was surrounded by a brick wall, had a gate, beautiful landscaping, and the decor was insane. I had no idea, up to that point, that she came from money. Not that that would change things... I hoped.

Once I was inside, she showed me around her place. I asked her, "You live here alone?"

She said, "Yup. My aunt bequeathed it to me."


"Must be hell to clean," I quipped.

"Oh, I have... servants..."

I said, "Really? She bequeath you those, too?"

"Oh, no. I gave them the... um, I gave them the night off. I'll cook, instead."

She was clearly nervous about something, and I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but I didn't, because I figured it would just make her tenser. I guessed she was just anxious to please.

So she made dinner, I helped out, we ate, cleaned up, made out, and I headed home. Not a bad evening at all.

Remembering how stressed she seemed, I texted her the next morning to let her know that I had a good time. She texted back with an emoticon smiley, which I took to be a good sign. What wasn't a good sign was that I didn't hear from her again for over a week, despite calling her a few times.

When I did hear from her, it was a quick phone call. She told me that she had been suspended from her realty job because that house she claimed was hers actually belonged to a wealthy client of her realty firm. Someone, somehow, must've found out that she had used it for unauthorized purposes. She went on to say that she blamed me for putting so much pressure on her to impress me, and that she was considering a lawsuit against me for having "forced" her to essentially break into a client's home.

I couldn't think of anything more to say to that other than, "Um, call my lawyer," and then I hung up on her.

Needless to say, I didn't hear from any lawyer, or her, after that. For a little while, I was afraid that I'd hear from the legal team of the wealthy homeowners (maybe they'd consider me an accomplice to breaking in?) but nothing ever came of it. It was years ago, so I don't think I have anything to worry about, by this point.


  1. Nothing new here, most of the realtors I have dealt with are nuts

  2. quit throwing your garbage into our dimension.

  3. Dude, don't you know that the statute of limitations on Dating a Person Who is Pretending a House is Their House is like, a bazillion years? You're going to be walking down the street one day and fifteen cop cars are going to come zooming up and you're gonna get taken down to the station house. You're going to be on Cops and everything (do they still make new Cops? Every time I come upon it I feel like it was filmed in 1973...) and you're going away for life.


  4. Also, forcing someone to impress you is pretty much the most illegal thing you can do. She totes has a civil suit against you.

  5. Sorry...all I got out of this was your use of 'tenser'.
    I think the proper way is "more tenserer'. Sheesh.


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