And Now You Smell Like a Bar

Story Sent in by Eric:

Valerie and I were having a great first-date dinner. She spent about as much time laughing at things I said as she did talking, which I took to be good.

At one point, I told her about this time when my little sister used the bathroom for close to three hours, preparing for a date of her own. When she finally left the bathroom, it smelled like a never-cleaned latrine. I had told my sister, "What the hell did you do in there?" and she replied, "It's just my perfume. Shut up," and she went out of the house smelling like livestock.

Valerie happened to be drinking from her beer when I told her that, and she spewed out a mouthful across the table and all over my face.

"Ugh!" I cried, then mopped at my face with my napkin and smiled. It was gross, but I wanted to have a sense of humor about it, since Valerie had shown me hers all night.

Once I had dried my face, I told her that I was going to head to the bathroom to wash off.

She then spat a mouthful of beer at me, again! And laughed! What the hell? Once was a funny accident, but this second time was definitely on purpose, and I was fast losing my sense of humor about it. We were attracting stares. I hurried away from the table, washed myself in the bathroom, and returned.

She took another big mouthful of beer, gargled it, and leaned toward me. I said, "Do it again, and–"

She did it again. I slammed my hands on the table and yelled, "Cut it out!"

She screamed, "Asshole!" then grabbed her purse and left me there with a dripping face. I have no idea what she thought was going to happen after I had warned her not to do it again, but having her out of my life was an acceptable reward.


  1. definitely need a rebuttal, he over-reacted to what sounds like a playful lady.

    1. What??? I see no way that deliberately spitting beer into someone's face could be construed as 'playful', and just yelling 'cut it out!' is a pretty mild reaction.
      Well--I take that back; I suppose they could have started a 'beer-spit-fight'. Except that they were in a restaurant. And they aren't 12.

  2. Alcohol abuse is never a laughing matter...

  3. Well that escalated quickly...

  4. Who goes around crying "ugh"

  5. "since Valerie had shown me hers all night"

    OP's notion of sense of humor = the attribute of those who laugh at his drivel. Then, he's surprised when the kind of girl who fits that definition spits beer at him.


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