Higgs Bozo

(Are you a writer? I've a new writing blog: jaredsinkwell.blogspot.com. - JMG)

Story Sent in by Beata:

Ross and I were on a first date, walking through a quaint, artsy village that wasn't far from where we both lived. It was a beautiful day, and the plan was to walk in town, have lunch, hit up a nearby riverfront, and see how things went.

Not long after we met up, as we strolled through the village, he turned to me and said, "This whole town just radiates positive energy." It was a nice place, and as I said, the weather was great. I could be on board with that.

Then, he asked, "Do you think I radiate positive energy?"

I said, "You seem like a pretty happy guy, yeah."

He said, "That's not what I mean. I mean do I radiate positive energy? As in, do I turn everything around me positive?"

"I, uh, sure. Okay." I had barely been in his presence for 15 minutes, so I couldn't really figure if he was joking around, trying to make a larger point, or what.

"Watch this," he said, then walked up to a nearby family who was sitting on a bench, eating ice cream cones. He stepped right in front of them, outstretched his arms, shut his eyes tight, and said, "Positive energy!" at them, as if blasting them with rays of sunshine, glory, and delusion.

The mother said, "Thank you," and they proceeded to ignore him.

He bounded back to me and said, "Did you hear? They're going to have a better day now, because of me. It's a superpower that I've always had. I can harness my particles."

"Wow," I remarked, "That's great."

A lone, middle-aged guy ambled up the sidewalk. Ross stepped in front of him, and the guy immediately dodged aside to continue on. Ross stretched his arms toward the guy and said, "Positive energy!" and the guy kept going, a bit faster, up the road.

Ross said to me, "I don't know what his problem was."

I suggested, "Maybe you should send out vibes mentally, instead of... physically. Isn't that how... vibes work?"

He took my meaning. "You want me to stop blasting people with positivity. You'd rather I let people stay insecure and negative, that it?"

"I'd rather you stop harassing people. Let's just enjoy the day."

"Oh, I'm harassing people, am I? Sounds like someone needs positive energy!" He then extended his arms to me, shut his eyes tight, and said, "Positive energy!"

I didn't feel anything different, except for a bit more embarrassment. I suggested, "Let's get lunch!" with a smile, hoping that he'd believe that his voodoo had worked, while also hastening the close of the date.

At lunch, he went on about how he had known himself to be a metaphysical healer since he was very young, and that everyone he came into contact with seemed to smile more and feel better than they had before meeting him. I smiled and nodded, which probably fed right into his delusional theory.

He hugged me for a good, long time at the end of the date (which was right after lunch) and expressed an interest in seeing me again and "cleansing [me] of negativity." He gave me one more "Positive energy" vibe blast and off we both went: I to my home, and he to fantasy kingdom, or wherever he and his particles lived.


  1. Particle man, particle man, doin' the things a particle can...

  2. I've always harnessed my particles in private.

    1. Do you excite them with oscillations?

    2. Yes, and I maximized my planck length.

  3. I love this OP's sarcasm and wllingness to tease crystal-sniffing hippies. Why can't more women be like this?

    (P.S. If you're in Boston, I totally want to date you.)

  4. "Let's get lunch!"
    Why OP, why?

  5. Love the title Jared. :)

    1. Thank you. I really couldn't wait to use it.

  6. Maybe people feel better after meeting him because that's about the time he actually leaves.

  7. They found the particle! Whoo-hoo!


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