Stupid Dead

Story Sent in by Helen:

Barry wanted to sneak into a graveyard on our first date. "My family's all buried there," he joked, "Maybe we can see their ghosts."

After a hurried dinner, we drove, parked our cars, walked across a set of train tracks, hopped a fence, and strolled down the moonlit cemetery paths. It was an old burying ground, extensive, and had been around for at least 150 years.

"Let me show you where my family's buried," he said, and led me through the tombstones.

We eventually stopped at a plot marked, "Griffis." Barry's last name, however, was Cano.

"This is your family?" I asked him.

He turned to me with a weird smile and said, "We're all family, here. Human family. We're all related when you go far enough back. Everyone in the graveyard is related to me. And you."

"They are. But is this your immediate family's plot?"

He shrugged and sat down on one of the graves. "Who knows? I forgot where they were buried years ago. I've never been here without other family members."

He reached for me. The night air was chilly and I involuntarily shuddered. I said, "Should we keep looking?"

He replied, "I'm done looking. Forever." He reached for me again.

I said, "Let's keep walking."

He said, "If you don't come make out with me here, I'll lie down and die."

I hesitated, and so he lay down, crossed his arms over his chest, and closed his eyes.

"Come on, Barry," I said. He remained still. I went on, "It's cold out. Let's keep going."

"Come here and give me the kiss of life," he said, "And then I'll wake and take you anywhere."

I didn't want to kiss him, but I also didn't want to leave him there. I leaned over him and kissed the top of his head, hoping that that would fulfill his wish.

"Raaaaagh!" he yelled and grabbed for me. I jumped away and ran down the path, away from him, and out of the cemetery.

I circled back to my car, but not before he had texted me, "THE DEAD SEE YOU. THE DEAD ARE COMING FOR YOU NOW."

I jumped into my car, locked the doors, turned the keys, and then I heard a tremendous thump. Barry, who had apparently made it back to our parked cars first, had actually jumped onto the roof of my car. He pounded on it.

My first thought was to slip the car into drive and take off, but I didn't want to actually injure him at high speed or drive over him or whatever. Instead, I grabbed a jack I had under my seat, screamed as loud as I could, jumped out of my car, and swung it at him (without the intent to hit him).

He tore away and I drove off before he could come back.


  1. You both sound like twats.

  2. "Barry wanted to sneak into a graveyard on our first date."

    There is no way you didn't know this means that Barry is a bit of a weirdo who at the very least is going to want to make out on gravestones. If you don't want to make out on gravestones with Barry, don't sneak into the graveyard with him.

    "I didn't want to kiss him."

    So don't.

  3. I don't know how either of them could be old enough to drive.

  4. "Barry", graveyard, I see what you did there.

    And yes, that first line should have been a red flag. Be glad it didn't turn into a bad case of the rapes.

  5. So how long have you and Barry been married?

  6. Does anyone else think that a disproportionate amount of these bad dates occur in graveyards? I mean, I would never think about taking a date there, but going by just this website, it seems like it's a common thing. Maybe all these people are from small towns where there is nothing else to do?

  7. I think it's great that goth kids are getting into the bad-dating scene too now. Very egalitarian!


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