A Man of Questionable Timber

Story Sent in by Laura:

Ted promised me a first date "like no other." He took me out to a late lunch, then asked me to follow him to a park where he said he worked part-time.

We drove there in separate cars. The park was thick with trees and trails, but there were several families around, walking here and there. After about a minute's walk down the trail, he turned to me and said, "Point to any tree. Any one. Your favorite."

I smirked, wondered what he was up to, and pointed to a tall pine, about ten feet off the trail.

"Good choice," he said, then went up to the tree, slapped his hands together, and pushed at its trunk. He tried it from different angles, screamed at the tree, then held up a finger to me and said, "I'll be back."

He returned a few moments later from his car with an ice scraper. "Stand back," he said, then attacked the tree with the scraper, chipping off bark.

"What are you doing?" I finally found my voice, "Stop it."

He stopped, then ran past me without a glance. He came back with a hatchet, and yelled a battle cry as he went for the tree and hacked at it. I yelled at him to stop, and when he didn't, I turned and made for the park headquarters, right next to the parking lot. I went inside and told to the woman behind the desk that Ted (who at that time I still thought worked there part-time) was attempting to cut down a tree a little way down the trail.

The woman asked, "Ted? Ted, you said?"


"I don't think someone named Ted works here. Hold on a second."

She picked up a radio and spoke to someone who I guessed was a ranger. She gave him the information, then thanked me and offered me a cup of water. I declined, but waited inside the station for about 20 minutes. When I stepped out, Ted's car was gone. I went home and never heard from him again.


  1. Ted promised a first date "like no other," and he delivered. So what's the problem?

  2. They say if you trim the underbrush it will make your mighty pine stand taller, but cutting the pine itself will have grim consequences for your love life. I guess Ted found out the hard way that touching somebody else's wood in front of your date has negative repercussions.

  3. At least he didn't use a herring.

    1. Doesn't matter, it wasn't the mightiest tree in the forest either.

  4. Pictured all of this being done by Ted Mosby

  5. He drives around with an ice scraper and hatchet in his car??? .... Tree serial killer


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