A Night Drinking Gold Sounds Preferable

Story Sent in by Nina:

Vince and I went out to a coffee shop together for our first date. When it was our turn in line, he asked me what I wanted and said that it was on him. I thanked him, then ordered a medium drink.

The barista added it all up and said, "That'll be eight-fifty-four."

Vince cringed. "Ooh," he said, "That's a lot. How about knocking that down to six even?"

The barista frowned. "I'm sorry. Those are our prices."

"Your prices suck," Vince said, then turned to me. "We're out of here."

I was stunned, but I followed him out to the parking lot. He asked me, "What now?"

I replied, "We could… um… go to a diner. They probably have cheaper coffee."

"Good idea."

We went to a nearby diner. I ordered a drink and he ordered a drink and a fruit cup. Most of our time there, he decried the coffee shop. "Eight-fifty for two coffees," he muttered, "What are they made of? Liquid gold? Even if they were, liquid gold would be too hot and poisonous to drink. They were probably trying to kill us."

I said, "Well I'm glad that we at least found a place to sit and relax. Did you want to take a walk after this?"

He went on, raising his voice, "Back in my day, a place could get shut down for serving poison to its customers. Not anymore!"

"Back in your day? We're the same age."

"Thank god we lived to see this age. If we had stayed there, paid eight-fifty and drank that liquid gold, we'd be dead on the pavement. That'd be shitty, wouldn't it?"

"I guess."

"With holes in our throats from the heat of the gold. It would've burned out all of our organs."

"Let's stop talking about it."

"The best laxative of all! That's their plan. To clean out all the room in your body for more of their crap. I see right through it all."

The bill came not long after. He picked it up and stared at it for several moments. "Holy shit," he said, "Two cups of coffee and a fruit cup. Over nine-fifty?" He looked up. "Waiter!" he yelled.

The waiter came over. Vince said, "Nine-fifty-seven for two coffees and a fruit cup? Are you out of your mind? I could've picked fruit for free at the side of the road."

"But you got it here, sir," the waiter replied as if he'd had this conversation before, "We picked it for you."

"Bullshit," Vince said louder than necessary, "You had it shipped to you from a supermarket, and I know that it doesn't cost that much in labor to arrange the fruit in a fruit cup. Or maybe it does," he said, standing up, "I'm going to go ask your chef."

Vince strode away from the table. The waiter followed him. "Sir, you can't go in there…"

I hurried into my pocketbook, dropped two dollars on the table for my coffee, and left as quickly as possible. Vince sent me several texts, demanding to know where I was. I wrote him that there had been an emergency and had to go suddenly. He wrote back, "Yeah, whatever," and that was the last time that I've heard from him.


  1. This is the reason that most menus/coffee house chalkboards have prices. If they are too high, don't order.

  2. There is nothing worse than being with someone that is cheap. I had a friend who barely tipped so I would always ask for separate checks b/c I was mortified by how little she left this way I could add more to mine. Plus she was just horrible to the waitstaff and I used to be in the restaurant industry so it would piss me off. She just didn't get it no matter how much I tried to expain it to her. Thankfully we are no longer friends (for other reasons) but wow I always felt bad for anyone that had to deal with her. Sorry OP glad you got out of there when you did (though I would have left after the first incident).

  3. ^ Don't worry; I'm sure your former friend got plenty of spit to go with her food. I've never worked in food service, but I've heard quite a few horror stories of people fucking with the food out of spite.

  4. ^I have to say honestly I've never done that to anyone's food no matter how much of an asshole they were. I just couldn't do it but yea some people definitely deserved it. I did almost try the Visine trick but heard that doesn't work anymore ha-ha

  5. 'Emergency'?
    OP should have just said 'sorry, I dont date cheap dickheads'.

    Why lie for these fools. Perhaps if more people called them out, they might one day get the message...

  6. Looks like somebody woke the dragon...

  7. There's no shame in poverty, but when someones tries to turn "being poor" into your loudmouth schtick, it's just the wrong venue. Vince somehow confused "going on a date" with "performing a standup comedy rant."

  8. There were some students that pulled a prank on someone with it thinking it would just give their victim diarrhea, but it ended up sending them to the hospital.


    The effect of drinking the stuff is really far worse than just a bad case of the runs. you could kill someone.


    Don't do it.

    Back on topic the OP totally should have just told him the REAL reason she was ditching him. He clearly saw through it and knew there was no emergency. At the same time though OP was way better off leaving his cheep ass then and there.

  9. ^Hope you're joking.

  10. I worked in the food industry for many years and it's true...you should be nice to the people bringing you food. I never did anything, but saw some gross stuff.

  11. At first I thought they were paying 8.50 for one coffee. For plain old coffee that seemed pretty steep but then they said that was for two and as far as I know that is somewhat typical for coffee shop coffee.
    Also if I thought it was even possible for my food to get spat upon at a particular place I wouldn't go there let alone tip them. It's a good argument to cook all your own food.


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