Master Splinter Would Be so Disappointed

Story Sent in by Mary:

Will and I had been out on two dates already. During the first one, he was pretty introverted and didn't say much. I guessed that he was nervous and I decided to give him a second chance. Same thing the second date. I agreed to a third one just to make absolutely sure that that was his personality, rather than nerves. He invited me to his house for dinner and a movie.

I arrived and he ushered me into his living room, where I found about a half dozen books on his coffee table, all about martial arts and ninjas.

"Into ninjas?" I asked him.

He led me into his den, where swords, throwing stars, and knives of all sorts were mounted on the walls in various display cases, although some were out and leaning against the walls.

I said, "I had no idea that you were that into all of this."

He said, "I'm a self-trained master. Want to see?"

Without waiting for a response, he went for a closet, pulled out a scuffed, beaten-up wooden target, and carried it out of the house to his back yard. I followed him there. He went back inside, then returned with a handful of throwing stars. He set up the target against a tree, then picked up the pile of throwing stars next to his house, and then threw them, one right after the other, at the target.

Not one of them hit. Most fell short, into the grass, or else overshot it and hit the wooden fence that surrounded the yard.

Once he had exhausted his supply (he had about a dozen of them), he recovered them, or at least as many as he could find in the growing darkness. He then returned to me, turned back to the target, and threw them at it once more. One of them hit but bounced off.

"That counts," he said, and continued to pitch them like playing cards. Once he was done with this second round, he went to gather them up again.

"Help me find them," he said, "I don't want them lying out here. They were expensive."

Hoping that I didn't accidentally step on any of them (I was wearing shoes, but they were definitely sharp), I did my best to help him recover them. I found two. He found seven.

"We have to keep looking," he said, "I don't want, like, a neighborhood dog to come in here tonight and think it's a chew toy and run away with it."

"That's what you're concerned about?" I asked.

He said, "Yeah. They were around $100 each. They're real."

I helped him for another 10 minutes before I said, "I think these are all I'm going to find."

He handed me the stars he had found and said, "Bring those inside on your way out, would you? I'm sorry, but I have to find these."

I went back inside with the nine or so that we had both found, left them on a mantle in the den, and left.

Not five minutes after I had gone, he called me in a panic. He asked, "Where did you put the stars I so specifically asked you to bring inside? Where are they?"

"On a mantle in the den," I said.

He sighed. "Okay. Good. I hope you didn't scratch them. Have a good night." He hung up.

In the ensuing days, he wrote me a message about something or other, but I didn't really take him seriously anymore after that whole incident, so, likely having skimmed it, I don't remember what it said.


  1. There's, like, a butt-load of gangs trying to recruit him, cuz he's really good with a bo staff...

  2. "I had a preconceived notion about what he would be, based on my interest in him. I mean, I wouldn't be interested in an introverted nerd with zero social skills, right? He was just painfully shy on the first two dates, but I'd get through to him.

    "After I found out that he couldn't even throw a ninja star, however, I couldn't take him seriously anymore."

  3. I think you went out with Dwight Schrute.

    Oh, and anything more than $2 for a throwing star is a complete and total ripoff. He really got scammed. Nerdy, inconsiderate AND dumb/gullible... what a catch!

  4. Unless those were damascus steel and blessed with holy water or something, somebody saw him coming. $100 each! Yowza!!! I could make them out of scrap metal for next to nothing, and that's without any secret training.

    PS: How can you tell if you're dealing with a fake ninja? If they tell you they're a ninja.

  5. @ Amanda: I think it was more that he was playing with throwing stars and apparently believed he was a super ninja master. Being shy is one thing; playing around like a child is another.

    I was actually expecting him to blame the OP for his bad aim.

  6. @ Elledra: A real ninja doesn't tell people he's a ninja since they are assassins and spies.

  7. I'm with Amanda. Sure Will was awkward and the date was doomedl but OP's attitude at the end is pretty unattractive.

  8. I think some people are missing the point. It isn't so much that Will sucked at ninja skills, it's that she was invited over for dinner and a movie and instead he goofed around, got frustrated, and then rudely dismissed her.

    She's obviously really patient, maybe too patient, and he probably could have saved the evening by going "I wasn't aiming for the target, but I perfectly sliced a dozen flies. Let's go in and watch a movie".

    We've all been in a situation where something on a date hasn't gone right, and a quick joke and egress to another topic or activity can work miracles. Instead he fumed and sent her home like a toddler who's just lost at Candyland.

  9. ^ I think ALL of you are missing the point. Will's obsessive study of ninjitsu - combined with his utter lack of skill at it - CLEARLY marked him as a member of the evil Foot Clan. Could Mary SERIOUSLY have been expected to date somebody whose sole purpose in life was attempting to destroy the noble Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - and failing miserably? I mean, some girls go for bad boys but if that's the case, at least they should keep their standards high enough to date the evil Master Shredder. I applaud Mary for having the self-respect to do the right thing - and/or keep her standards high!

  10. Wolfdreams, Noble Ninja Turtles, you're kidding right? Let me ask you, where do the turtles get the income for all their pizzas, gadgets, cars and blimp-jet things? There's something we're not being told, something stinks and I'm not talking about their sewer lair.

    And also what kind of a reporter is April. She's sitting on the biggest story ever, a giant talking rat and Mutant Ninja turtles, yet she fails to uphold her journalistic integrity.

  11. "Self-trained master"? Bwahhahahahah!!This belongs in the same category as "self-taught plastic surgeon" or "self-taught ordnance handler."

  12. @Baku: Bingo.

    @Wolfy: At least Shredder managed to make kitchenware look good, lol!!!


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