That's Where We Don't Want to Go

Story Sent in by Ben:

Rachel and I met over a dating site and spoke back and forth for a good month before meeting in person. She worked in a small tech company's operations department, and she had said for weeks that it was a "busy time of year," and that she was "too involved at work to meet up any sooner."

I took her word for it, and our messages were generally positive and complimentary. It wasn't until shortly before our date that she added me as a friend on Facebook. I looked at her tagged photos and saw that she had seemingly been in the Florida Keys for two weeks out of the four or so that we had been talking.

Far from working, there were dated photos of her on the beach, in lounge chairs, and surfing. I'm sure that she felt that she had a good reason for lying to me about why she couldn't meet up, but I couldn't figure out why she just couldn't say, "I'm on vacation in the Florida Keys and can meet up upon my return."

I didn't mention anything to her by email, but at dinner, I asked her, "How was your vacation?"

She replied, "What vacation?"

I said, "To the Florida Keys. Looks like you had a great time."

She said, "I didn't go to the Florida Keys. I've never been there."

"But there were photos of you there. I can probably pull them up on my phone." She didn't say anything, and I did indeed load up the photos in which she was very clearly tagged and very clearly appearing, unless she had a clone.

She glanced at them and said, "Those aren't me. I've never seen those before."

"But they're on your profile. You're tagged."

"It must be someone else's profile."

"But it's on yours. Let me show you–"

"They're not on my profile!" she barked, and I jumped in my seat. She went on, "Those aren't pictures of me, I've never been to the Florida Keys, and I'm sick of talking about it. Change of subject."

"But why would you lie to me? I wouldn't care if you were in the Keys. You told me that you were busy at work for the past four weeks."

"I was busy at work. Change of subject."

"But these pictures are of you!"

"Change of subject!"

I remained silent after that. The waiter came by and we ordered our food. Rachel finally asked me, "What were you doing trying to snoop through my photos? They were none of your business."

"You added me as a friend. You never told me not to look at anything, and you had photos up. If you didn't want me to see photos of you on vacation, then you shouldn't have added me."

"I've never been on vacation! Change of subject!" she shouted again.

I called the waiter over, asked for the check, and I told her, "We're splitting this."

"Fine with me."

As soon as I put down my money, I left and went home. By the next morning, I could no longer access her profile.


  1. I'll be the one to say it: why did you bother ordering food if she was already yelling?

  2. If you didn't care, OP, why did you bring it up?

  3. ^This.

    You say you don't care and yet it seems to be the only thing you can talk about. You figure she must think she has a good reason for keeping this information from you, yet on the first date you bring it up and insist on getting an answer by going as far as bringing up the pictures on your phone and shoving them in her face.

    I wouldn't want to date you either. You sound like a possessive boyfriend and this was a first date!

  4. He didn't care that she went to Florida. He cared that she lied. She was lying to him. He was curious as to why. She flew off the handle. She friended him. She was curious as to why he would do what friends do on Facebook. She flew off the handle again.

    Team OP.

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. I think both these people are crazy. OP, This was a first date. She was under no obligation to tell you everything going on in her life prior to the date. Maybe she was on a trip with another man who was a casual fling, maybe she was on a family trip. No matter what it was it was none of your business. Red flags galore at the way you would not drop it. And from her end. It sounds like she was freaked out at the amount of information this "first date" had on her when she had obviously not told him "everything" and her defense mechanism kicked in. If there is any lesson to be learned by this it is, "never friend someone before a first date"

  7. I'm with Jared and the OP, though he could have handled it better. The point is not even that she lied about going on vacation - if you don't feel like explaining yourself to a virtual stranger, which is what a first date is (even if they'd been talking for a month) that's fine. The point is that she acted super touchy and defensive, and that should have been a clue for the OP to drop it and make a mental note not to see her again if he suspected her of being really dishonest. But seriously, if you friend someone on Facebook, why would you freak out if they actually look at your profile? It's not like he obtained some highly classified info that he wasn't really privy to.

  8. Team OP here... He showed her the pictures AFTER she denied being on vacation. I don't think he was obsessive. Rather, she was lying about it, and he stuck to his guns.

  9. I'm a big believer in Googling dates beforehand so that you don't end up with a serial killer, but as a previous debate (on this very website) showed, there are people who get uncomfortable about that, so it's really the kind of thing that it's best to avoid discussing unless she specifically asks you. Why did you have to push the subject, OP? She told a white lie to a perfect stranger. That's not a red flag - it's barely a red hankerchief.

    That said, I'm proud of you for splitting the check. Her yelling at you - as well as her willingness to double down on the lie rather than own up to it - seem like the hallmarks of an entitled personality, and I'm glad you didn't let her push you around.

  10. Team OP. But I wouldn't have insisted after she refused to talk about it (I wouldn't even have bothered showing her the pictures), I'd just be polite, talk for a little bit, finish the date and be done with that person. But that's me. It's really hard to get anything good out of a confrontation.

  11. She "friended" BEFORE they ever even met. Why would anyone want to do that with someone with whom they were planning a first face-to-face meeting AND date? That's weird.

  12. ^"friended him" I meant to write, but clearly have a problem with using the word friend as a verb.

  13. I dont add potential dates to Facebook.
    Maybe she had a part time career as a escort, was 'working' for 2 weeks in the Florida Keys, and just didn't want to have to explain her 2nd job...

  14. Why did you even go on the date if you knew she was lying in the first place?

    1. Righto! That's why I have trouble being on the OP's side.

  15. Facebook is stupid and a big waste of time!

  16. Yes, he cared that she lied, but this was a first date with someone he doesn't even know. Just don't go out with her.

  17. Howie, is your real name Erwin? Because everything you say sounds EXACTLY like what a close friend of mine would.

  18. ^Howie often sounds EXACTLY like a guy I once dated, but his name wasn't Erwin.


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