Neither Snow Nor Rain Nor Angry Dad

Story Sent in by Alicia:

Doug and I were classmates in high school. We rarely ever spoke and I had no idea that he admired me from afar until he asked me out for a Friday night. He was tall, had nice eyes, and was a quiet guy, the latter of which I took, at the time, to be a sign of maturity. He said he'd pick me up at my house.

An hour before he was due to pick me up, I had just finished some homework and was readying to hop in the shower when I heard pounding from the front door.

My parents were home, and my mother answered the door. From the top of the steps, I heard Doug ask, "Is Alicia home?"

My mother replied, "I thought that you were picking her up in an hour?"

He said, "Yes, but I have to tell her that the postman's here. The postman delivers."

My mother, not missing a beat, said, "Okay. Great. She'll be ready in an hour. We'll see you then."

She closed the door and called me downstairs. She said to me, "I think he might be high. His eyes were bloodshot and he was talking nonsense. Maybe you should–"

Bam! Bam! Bam! The door shook with each smash, and my mother and I both jumped a dozen feet into the air. My mother yelled at the door, "Come back in an hour, Doug! She's not ready yet."

"Postman!" Doug yelled, "Postman! The postman delivers!" He repeated that phrase over and over, turning it into an impromptu song.

My father, a quiet guy himself, strode in without a word, walked past my mother and I, told us to stand back, then opened the door. He yelled, "Get the hell off my property, you crazy punk! You come back here and I'll break a two-by-four over your head!"

Doug scampered off, down the street and out of sight. My father watched after him for a bit, then turned to me, asked me a few questions about Doug himself, then told me to let him know if he came back or bothered me again.

Doug never did either.


  1. It's the quiet ones you've got to watch out for.

  2. I think he wanted to pretend you were a stamp: turn you over and lick you from behind.

  3. I have a difficult time believing people who exaggerate. She and her mother both jumped 12 feet? Probably not. I'm sure most of this story is true....I'd like to read his rebuttal. That is, if he can remember it at all.

  4. Rachel, I think that was hyperbole and not meant to be taken literally. Just like if the OP said, "I can eat a whole horse," I tend to doubt that she actually felt as though she could eat a real-life horse.

  5. @ Rachel- Yeah, and I don't think the proper leverage to apply the needed force could come from a human arm swinging a two by four over someone's head. Can someone do the physics calculations on this and also the max height a person could actually jump so we can know if this story is true or not?

    Also, who says "walked past my mother and I"?

    Since the correct grammar is "my mother and me," I don't think there is much doubt, coupled with the other obviously not-possible physical feats that this story is not only not-true, but that it was generated by some sort of AI or other computer program masquerading as human.

  6. ^I realize your post was heavily laden with sarcasm, but did you honestly correct "my mother and I" to "my mother and me"?

    I weep for the future.


    (me too)

    What sarcasm?

  8. theMediator, in that sense it is indeed "my mother and me." Remove the mother and it is "walked past me," which is correct.

  9. I weep for me...cuz I'm more confused now!

  10. Mediator, you normally seem like an intelligent guy, but you're WAY off base here. "My mother and me" is 100% correct in this case.


  11. I get hyperbole. I personally tend to be skeptical of stories of this nature that rely on hyperbole to get a point across. When recounting a historical event, just the facts will do. Again, just my personal preference...

  12. Awww, did the OP fail to write the story to your exalted standards, Rachel?

    The use of hyperbole is one of the things that makes a story more interesting. Without hyperbole and the like, we would have something like this:

    "I liked a guy in my class. I thought he was mature. He asked me out. He showed up early and high and banged on the door. We were surprised. My mom told him to come back later. He kept banging on the door and said crazy things. My dad got mad and yelled at him. He ran away. The end."

  13. @kate & wolfie

    Well I learned something new today. I was always taught it was "I" regardless of the situation. Huh.

    1. People actually teach such incorrect grammar? Oy.


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