Blessed Are the Insane

Story Sent in by Marla:

Henry wrote me online.  After several shared messages, we went out on a first date to dinner.  He poured on the charm, and I had a nice time with him.  We parted, and he said he'd call me.

On our second date, he took me to a short, one-act comedy at a nearby church.  Some friends of his were performing, and being a fan of live theater (whether it's in a church basement or on Broadway), I had a good time.

Afterward, he led me up to the main sanctuary.  It was darkened, though dim moonlight and the streetlights outside filtered through the windows.  It looked spooky and worthy of exploration.  As I strolled up a side aisle, he grasped me from behind, turned me around, and kissed me.  His hands wandered down under my belt, and I gingerly pushed him away.  It was a little too soon for anything too touchy.

Henry asked, "You really won't let me get any further with you?  We're in a church."

I said, "It wouldn't really matter where we were.  I've been having a nice time with you, though."

He looked around and ran for the altar.  A passion crucifix, slightly bigger than an average human, was attached to the wall behind it.  When he made it behind the altar, he pointed to the crucifix and shouted to me across the pews, "Do you think he's hot?"

"Not while he's nailed to the cross," I yelled back.

Henry then turned to the crucifix and yanked at the figure of Jesus.  I ran over and climbed to the altar.  "What are you doing?" I asked him, "Are you nuts?"

He replied, "I'm pulling Jesus down.  The suffering is over."  He pulled and pulled but Jesus wasn't going anywhere.  For a moment, he stopped pulling and turned to me.  "You planning to help?"

I touched his shoulder and said, "Come on.  Leave Jesus be.  Did you want to do dinner with me and your friends?"  His friends, I hoped, were still downstairs, cleaning up after the show.

He pulled me close to him and asked, "Do you want to fool around right here?"

I jumped away from him and said, "No.  I want to leave."

He shrugged and went back to pulling at Jesus.  He put his foot against the wall, pushed with it, and yanked at the statue with both hands.

"Henry, come on!" I said one more time, then gave up on him and returned downstairs.  I introduced myself to the remaining actors, two of whom, Karl and Laura, were Henry's friends.  I told them that Henry was upstairs in the sanctuary, and invited them to come along with me to see him, and then to go out to dinner together.  It was my hope that upon seeing his friends, he'd revert back to "normal" Henry.

When I led them up there, we were all in for a shock.  Henry had climbed up the statue.  He was about ten feet off the ground and was hanging from Jesus's head.

"Henry!" Karl yelled, and ran for the statue.

As Karl ran, Henry let go of the statue and smashed to the floor.  He groaned and Karl helped him up.  Laura and I made it to him.  Henry moaned, "I want to go home," and Karl helped him out to his car.  Luckily, Henry and I had driven separately. 

Out in the parking lot, I asked Laura if Henry was prone to such acts, and she said, "Not as long as I've known him."

Henry drove away without so much as a goodbye, and I ended up going out to dinner with Laura, with whom I'm still friendly. 

Henry never asked me out again.


  1. Alt. title: "Hangin' with Jesus."

  2. I think I like the alternate title better instead.

    Henry brings a whole new meaning to "Jesus and I love you!"

  3. Ah, the poor fool was high on romance.. think tom cruise / oprah :p

  4. Anyone else get a tingle of hope for a sexy alternate ending?


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Content Policy

A Bad Case of the Dates reserves the right to publish or not publish any submitted content at any time, and by submitting content to A Bad Case of the Dates, you retain original copyright, but are granting us the right to post, edit, and/or republish your content forever and in any media throughout the universe. If Zeta Reticulans come down from their home planet to harvest bad dating stories, you could become an intergalactic megastar. Go you!

A Bad Case of the Dates is not responsible for user comments. We also reserve the right to delete any comments at any time and for any reason. We're hoping to not have to, though.

Aching to reach us? abadcaseofthedates at gmail dot com.