That Comes with Every Buick

Story Sent in by Paul:

Monica and I had a solid first date, and after it was done, I offered to walk her to her car.

"Are you sure?" she asked, "I mean, it's a little bit of a mess."

I said, "I'm sure that it's fine."

I walked her to her car, and the entire backseat area was stacked, nearly floor-to-ceiling, with rolled-up, balled-up clothes. There was literally a solid wall/mound of clothing.

I said, "You must have twelve wardrobes back here."

She replied, "I know. It started back in high school, but now it's become something else."

I smiled. "A Salvation Army Thrift Store?"

She glanced at it and said, "I wish. It's more of a boarding house. I have a friend who dug out a tunnel and lives in it."

I laughed. She didn't. She did a complex knock on the rear passenger window. The door opened, clothing tumbled out, and a scruffy, red-eyed guy's head poked out of the clothing mound, close to the seat.

Monica said, "Paul, this is Theo."

Theo flapped his hand weakly in greeting, then pulled himself back into the clothes. Monica closed the door after him.

I asked, "Out of curiosity, why is a random guy sleeping under a pile of clothes in your backseat?"

She replied, "Theo's not a random guy. He was kicked out of his house a couple of weeks ago and helped fix my car in exchange for a place to stay."

"Why isn't he staying at your place?"

She said, "I live with my parents, and my parents know his parents. We have to keep it secret. You won't tell anyone, will you?"

I tried to think of who I would tell, but no one came to mind. I asked, "How long will he be there?"

She said, "For as long as he needs me. We're friends and we love each other. I lost my virginity to him."

She must have read my expression, because she followed it up with, "But that was a long time ago! We're just friends now, really. Sort of. He gets lonely, but it doesn't mean anything."

Nothing would have been accomplished by me running away and screaming, although that was my first inclination. I wished her a good night, and she said that she looked forward to seeing me soon.

She wrote me an email after not receiving one from me. She told me that Theo "liked me," and that she really wanted to see me again. No thanks.


  1. This rates high on the weirdness scale. Though it sounds better than the hoarder who had a sausage grill or whatever it was.

  2. Maybe it's just the story teller, but there seems to be a bit of an incongruity between "It started back in high school" and "He was kicked out of his house a couple of weeks ago." Methinks this problem has gone on longer than a couple of weeks and that it's pretty obvious why he was kicked out of his previous residence and why sane people wouldn't want to live with him. Its not directly related to how his parents know her parents.

    On a different note, where do people dig up other people who can tolerate this level of crazy? And do they ship?

  3. Poor old Theo needs some meds and perhaps a stay in a padded, controlled environment. Perhaps they both do.

  4. I'd have to assume a clothing mound is a pretty well padded environment for Theo

    also, I wish some girl would just come have sex with me whenever I get lonely, that'd be awesome

  5. ^ Well if you hang out in her back seat long enough you're bound to get some action.

  6. I don't want any from Theo though, he probably smells

  7. A non-showering occassional sex buddy living in my piled up clothes in the back seat of my car... REALLY ROMANTIC! I wonder where the magic happens?

    I wish they had that option at car repair shops. "How would you like to pay for this? Cash, Credit, or letting me sleep in a pile of clothes in your backseat?"


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