Making Spirit Tracks

Story Submitted by Eric:

I wrote to Mona online, and she struck me as a complex but highly likable person.  She wrote me long emails, and it was refreshing to speak with someone who had such varied life experiences.  I liked talking with her online enough to ask her out to dinner.

I work in the music industry, which is volatile at best.  A month earlier, I had applied for a job in Memphis and had just received an interview offer for the week following the date.  During dinner with Mona, that fact somehow or other came up.

I told her, "I'm interviewing for a job in Memphis next week."

Her eyes widened, and she blurted, "Don't go to Memphis.  You'll die."

If she was seeking a way to kill the conversation, then she succeeded in her quest.  After a few moments of silence, I asked, "Why will I die in Memphis?"

She said, "My spirit guides told me just now.  One's a chipmunk and one's an ostrich."  I snorted and couldn't stifle laughter.  She said, "I'm completely serious."

I pointed to an empty spot on the corner of the table and asked, "This the chipmunk?" then backhanded that area, as if to knock a phantom chipmunk off the table.

"No," she said, "and don't oppress me.  I'm telling you the truth, and they're never wrong."

"Oh yes?  What have they been not wrong about?"

"This date," she said, "They told me that you'd ask me out and that we'd fall in love."

At this point, my spirit guides (a half-eaten slice of cheese and a butterfly made of metal with its wings on fire) were flashing me the danger sign.  In a vain hope to salvage something out of the date, I tried to change the subject.

I asked, "You said in your profile that you collect bottle caps.  How big is your collection?"

"Not big enough to save you from certain death in Memphis," she said, "Don't go."

"Okay," I lied, "I won't."  I hurried the date to a close.

After the following week's interview, I was offered the job in Memphis and took it.  Not dead yet.


  1. My favorite part are his spirit guides: a half eaten slice of cheese and a butterfly made of metal with its wings on fire. Brilliant.

  2. What if you stay there and live a long fruitful life, get married, have children, and die of old age - in Memphis? Then Mona will be right, but what will you have to say about that then, Mr. SmartyPants? That's right, nothing!! ...because you'll be DEAD!!!

    By the way, I'm a musician in Nashville; sounds like you might've been through these parts. Congrats on the new job, man.

  3. I dunno, Sarah. I think people who act like this sometimes deserve to have their spirit chipmunks smacked around a little.

  4. Agree with nomatophobia; if you think talking about your spirit animals and their whisperings is totally natural and are surprised by people's reactions to this, maybe it's time to move out of the commune and lay off weed for a while.

  5. The spirit animals are a new twist on the "my dead grandmother told me that you'd ask me out" and "you're giving my friend a migraine with your negative energy" situations.

  6. My spirit guides are telling me they should get their own tag.

  7. You are going to die!!!

    50-70 years from now.

  8. My two spirit guides always try to give me advice on my dates... but one of them is a mime and the other is a Scientologist, so screw them.

  9. Interesting that the spirit guides only piped up after Memphis came up in the conversation. You'd think that if it were that important they'd volunteer the information before it came up.

    Also interesting that the spirit guides' advice seems to boil down to "Don't move away, stay here," which - what do you know! - happens to be personally convenient for Mona seeing how she presumably would have liked to keep dating this guy (before the chipmonk-smacking, that is).

    Interesting how spirit guides always give the advice that their mediums want to hear or would be personally convenient for them.

  10. I can see you guys' point, but the OP didn't have to laugh at her and make fun of her 'beliefs', she wasn't being nasty or crazy, just a little odd. That seemed deliberately hurtful and rude. :(

  11. ^^ Actually, she was being crazy.

  12. My spirit doesn't guide itself...only to where I aim and shoot it. Ooooohhhhyyyyahh


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