Channeling The Dark Crystal

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Story Submitted by Evelyn:

Caleb emailed me and his pleasant demeanor charmed me into accepting a first date offer.  He asked me out to a coffee shop, and we met there on a Saturday afternoon, then sat down with our coffees at a table by a window.

He said, "What I do on first dates is a little unusual, but I think it's the best way to ensure that if there's a second date, then it'll be worth both of our time."


He leaned forward and looked into my eyes.  After about 10 seconds, I cracked up, but he said, "Shh!" and kept looking at me.

I said, "I don't get it.  What are we doing?"

He said, "I'm drinking your essence.  You don't need words to do that."

"Drinking my essence?"


"Drinking my essence?"

"Yes.  Shh."

For a minute, I followed suit and stared him right back.  I couldn't do it for too long, though.  I cracked up again, and he gave me an exasperated, "Shh!"

"Well what do you expect?" I asked, "Are we going to spend the whole date having a staring contest?"

"Shh," he said, "It's not staring.  There's blinking involved.  I'm just drinking your essence."

"How long will it take?"

"As long as it takes.  Shh."

"Can we maybe talk for a bit?  That will probably tell you more about me than staring into my eyes."

"I already know a lot about you just from drinking your essence these past few moments."

"Such as?"

He took a deep breath and said, "You're the youngest of your siblings, you studied something in college completely different from what you're doing now, you love to travel, and you're into Baroque art."

I gasped.  "It's all true!"  He sat back with a smirk.  I went on, "Especially seeing as it's all things I had in my profile or wrote you about previously.  I'm amazed."

He stared back at me with renewed vigor.  "Shh," he said.

I let him drink my essence for another minute before saying, "So?"

He said, "You prefer candlelight to light bulbs, you like the smell of flowers, and you like being nice to people."

I replied, "Like that couldn't be said about a lot of people.  Why not try learning about me through regular conversation?"

He said, "I'm trying to drink your essence, but you won't stop talking.  It's like you have a disease that prevents you from shutting up."  He laughed, then went on, "You just won't shut up!  You can't stop talking!  It's unbelievable!"

I stood up with my drink and said, "Well, I won't bother you with my talking anymore.  How about that?"

I turned and left.  Behind me, I heard him say, "And there you go again!  Even when you're leaving, you just can't stop talking!  Yap yap yap yap yap!"

For the sake of all women everywhere, I served him a big, drinkable cup of "going home alone" that night.


  1. I know this is just how it's worded, but your last line almost makes it seem like it was a possibility in the first place.

  2. Well, Caleb was right about the talking part: the majority of people have a compulsive mind that doesn't stop "talking" in their heads, and in many cases they just blurt out that internal monologue without any kind of filter. Even the outwardly quiet ones can have a raging storm going on inside.

    The part about "drinking her essence" was pretty goofy too though. Got about as predictable a reaction as you'd expect.

  3. "...and on the second date I make you drink *my* essence." :)


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