Pernicious Pen Pal

Story Submitted by Pat:

Jeffrey and I met via an online pen pal site.  We were both in high school at the time and wrote each other letters regularly for a few months, then emails, then phone calls.  By the time I was a sophomore in college, we were good friends who had never met.  He was from Texas, and I was from Maine.

We had both expressed an interest in meeting each other someday, and that day came far sooner than I thought.  He called me one day and said, "I'm going to be in New York City for a week on a club trip.  Can you make it down there?"

I was thrilled at the prospect, both of meeting him and of visiting New York, which I had never done before.  I made plans to drive down there with my college friend, Clara.

We met up with Jeffrey in Central Park, and the first thing he did was pull me in for a big hug.

Our walk around the park and the city was very enjoyable.  He was the exact persona that I recognized from his messages and phone calls.  After a little bit, I asked Clara to meet me back in the park at a particular time, so that Jeffrey and I could be alone for a bit.

He bought us an early dinner and we brought it back to the park.  We sat in the grass, moved closer to each other, held hands, and talked about ways in which we could work out a relationship.  We ended up sitting with my head in his lap, and I felt very comfortable with him.

Then, he did something that changed everything.  He asked me to turn my head to the side.  Thinking that he was shifting to a more comfortable position, I moved my head the way he wanted me to.

With my head still in his lap, he farted so loud that he must have ruptured an organ to do it.  He pressed his hands to my head to keep it down in his lap.

"Mmmm... yeah..." he said as I struggled.  I flailed an arm up to hit him in the face and his grip slackened enough for me to slip away and stand up.

He gave me a look as if nothing was wrong.  "C'mon back," he said, still sitting down.

Dumbfounded and nauseated, I asked him, "Why would you do that?"

He said, "Texas, baby." He raised his eyebrows and beckoned for me to return to his embrace, but that was the last place where I wanted to be.  He laughed then, a strange, high-pitched cackle.  "Come back," he cooed, "Come back to meeeeeeee..."

The fart itself wasn't what bothered me: it was the fact that he was so forceful in keeping my head in his lap.  I said, "Maybe we should call it a night... Clara's expecting me."

"Come back," he said, "Come back."

I backed away, said, "It was nice meeting you.  Keep in touch," and left him sitting there.  I walked away as fast as I could.

Less than an hour later, I was back with Clara, and Jeffrey called me up in tears to apologize and self-deprecate.  I forgave him, but told him that I couldn't see him again that week due to last minute plans.

We were in touch on and off for years after that.  He moved to California and has a family, now.  I'm happy for him, but even happier that things didn't work out between us.


  1. Seems as though you may have over reacted, OP. Especially since you didn't even verbalize your real problem with the situation. Men (especially hold-a-girl-in-your-lap-while-you-fart-on-her men) aren't mind readers. You ought to have told him what made you uncomfortable, instead of immediately bailing on him.

  2. I'm sorry but that's hardly the best thing to do on a first date and I don't think the OP over reacted.

    The issue is not that he farted but used force to hold her head in place to do so. I would find that a red light if anything.

  3. It's the "Mmmm... yeah..." that had me cracking up :D
    Yes that was pretty damn weird though, to dutch-oven someone on a first date.

  4. You know what Rachel, I think her getting immediately disgusted and saying she wanted to leave was a good enough indication of what made her uncomfortable. I just don't see the guy thinking, "How?! How did I mess this one up?" once Pat left.

  5. Rachel, I hope you are joking....If not, meet me at my place...Last night, I ate a pot of chili and have a lap with your faces' name on it.

  6. Howie, Rachel has more than one face? I'm confused by your comment.

  7. Agnes...dont' let mi pour typeing get inn the weigh of a gud commentt!...or...you can go suck a fart too! I mean that lovingly.

  8. Point, Agnes. Howie: 0. Rachel: -57.

  9. Yay Amanda, -57 is a prime number! Woot!

  10. I'm just glad no one jumped on the "Texas Baby!" comment. I lived there for 25 years and no one ever held me down to fart in my face. Maybe I just never met the right people...

  11. Rachel: Are you for real? Any normal person would have reacted the way the OP did.

    "Especially since you didn't even verbalize your real problem with the situation."

    Only a retard would need it spelled out for them.

    1. Well, this dude was obviously a retard. I'm surprised that she kept in touch with him at all after, but her reaction was not at all an overreaction.

  12. My first date with my wife, she farted on my head, and I don't find farts funny. I was so disgusted I ended up marrying her.

  13. Wow. Ok. Put down your knives and pitchforks.

  14. Dude dutch oven is never used on a first date.

    Always third date.

  15. ...Sawyer, you wouldn't type out "fart" but you could drop an f-bomb four times? Really?

  16. ^ Fair lady I simply abhor the word in writing.. the p-h-o-n-e word as well, utterly rancid.

  17. If someone gets all the way to adulthood without coming to understand that forcibly holding someone down is assault and therefore a crime... I really doubt that anyone's attempt to explain that to them afterwords would be an effective way to educate them.

    Also, not her job. It's his job to discipline his own behavior.

    Honestly, I'm stunned that she continued to keep in touch with him. His behavior was textbook domestic abuser, including the tearful apology afterward. How many times do batterers promise to "never do it again"?

  18. Also, I realize this site reveals the worst of humanity's dark underbelly by design, but holy crap. It's truly stunning -- and saddening -- that there is apparently no lack at all for stories about controlling, abusive personality-types. I feel like I can write "Red flag: controlling", "Red flag: possessive", "Red flag: narcissist", and/or "Red flag: abusive" on very nearly every story on here. Not just simple personality conflicts which can be filed under "shit happens", but actual scary, disordered behavior. :(

  19. ^@Kat: Well, Jared does screen the stories that end up here. Maybe there are plenty of submissions like that in reality, but he just posts the red flags because they're the ones that will get extreme responses like this.

  20. ^^ Kat "Red flag: cynical, morose, somber, pessimistic, etc.."

  21. If it doesn't have at least a dozen red flags, it doesn't make the cut.


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