If You Take a Model Hiking...

Story Submitted by Patrick:

Sara and I became acquainted after I wrote her online. She was a former child model from a big family, but she lived near me in New Jersey, across the country from where she had grown up in Oakland, California.

She said that she liked the fact that I didn't treat her any differently because she had been a model, and I asked her out. I thought that a lunch and hike would be fun, and she agreed to the plan.

At lunch, one of the first things she told me, which she hadn't mentioned before, was, "I'm moving back to the west coast next month. Going to relaunch my modeling career."

"Oh," I said, disappointed, "There goes any long-term potential, I guess."

She frowned and said, "I know. Bet you were wishing you could tell all your friends that you were making it with a model."

"Former model," I corrected her before I could stop myself.

She didn't like that and said, "Clearly you're not in the business. Once a model, always a model."

"That the way the business works?" I asked.

She said, "Let me show you," and stood up quickly from the table, right into a passing waitress's face. The waitress cried out and her hands went to the area beneath her left eye. Sara's hands went to her own head. "Ow! My head!" she wailed.

The waitress apologized, even though she had done nothing wrong. Sara accepted it, and she sat back down. "When I'm back to modeling, I'll be able to have clumsy people fired."

"She wasn't clumsy. You practically body-checked her."

"When I'm back to modeling, I won't have to defend myself against silly accusations like that, either." She widened her eyes at me and gulped down her diet soda.

Lunch was awkward, but the post-lunch hike took the cake. We hadn't been on the trail for more than a little bit when she started doing some strange dance that looked like she was trying to reach the back of her ankles with her hands by going over her shoulders to get there.

"Ugh," she said, "I'm covered with ticks! I can feel them!"

I stepped closer to her and said, "Stand still. I'll check."

She jumped away and said, "My model body's been sabotaged enough today! Aagh! They're everywhere!"

She lifted up her shirt (not all the way) and looked at her stomach. An ant was crawling on her.

She screamed, tore at her stomach, spun around, and ran away from me, back towards the cars, as if her hair was on fire.

I jogged after her and found her brushing herself off next to my car. "You okay?" I asked.

She nodded and said, "I'm going home to take fifty showers."

Good for her. I wish her well in her modeling career.


  1. She sounds like the type who should be on America's Next Top Model: self-absorbed, pretty enough, and batshit insane.

  2. "Lunch was awkward, but the post-lunch hike took the cake."

    AAAGGGHHH the "server test" exists for a reason!

    Let me fix that for you:

    Lunch was awkward, so we finished, paid, and I wished her well before heading home.

  3. When I look at some of the top supermodels like Heidi Klum, sometimes they are waist-deep in freezing cold waters, covered in sand on windswept beaches, or trying to strike a sexy pose balancing on a slippery rock as waves crash on top of them. They put their game faces on, are happy to live that lifesytle and don't seem to complain much. Methinks many of these lesser so-called "models" wouldn't last a day in a gig like that.

  4. To be fair, Heidi Klum is a goddess. Funny, smart, GORGEOUS, and she named her boobs "Hanz" and "Franz." <3

  5. Heidi Klum fucking rocks.

    I was a child model, but puberty wasn't kind to me, and there's no way I could model now. A cute little girl doesn't always make a hot woman.

    1. Do you have any pictures from your child modeling?
      That sounds like me. I was a gorgeous child and got told to model all the time I went in public, but as I aged, I lost the look. Now I'm not even average in looks department

  6. ^Thankfully, the opposite is true. I am SO GLAD that I eventually grew into my teeth. :P


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