Take Out

Story Submitted by Karl:

I asked Lynn if she had any location preferences for our first date.  She told me about an "upscale" Chinese buffet place not far from where either of us lived, and suggested meeting there.

The date started off well enough, and the conversation flowed like fine egg drop soup.  Things took a sharp nosedive when she returned to the table with a plate, heaped with General Tso's chicken.  She pulled out her sizable beige purse, opened it, and dumped the entire plateful of greasy, brown-sauced chicken inside.

I nearly spat out my soda.  "What are you doing?" I asked.

She said, "Saving some for later.  They won't notice."  She stood up and went off for more.

She returned a few moments later, this time with a plate of shrimp and vegetables in white sauce.  She poured it into her purse to mingle with the general's chicken and whatever else she had in her purse.

She caught me staring and said, "Everything's washable.  Don't get uptight.  I do this all the time."

I'm not one to pass judgment, but I'll go ahead and do it anyway: this was downright bizarre.  She came back with a plate of chicken with cashew nuts and slopped them in with everything else.  Well, maybe that was just her thing.  Just so long as it didn't impact me.

...which of course, it did.  She returned with a bowl of crab rangoon, looked in her purse, and pushed the bowl over to me.  "Could you take care of these?" she asked.

"Take care of them?"

She nodded and spoke to me as if I was a two-year-old, "Yes.  Take these and put them somewhere.  Your pocket or wherever."

I laughed myself silly.  "You expect me to carry greasy, cheesy food inside my pockets?  I don't think so."

She said, "Do you have a bag on you?  I just don't want them to go to waste."

I said, "I think you've taken enough."

She replied, "What are you, my fucking grandfather?  I say when I have enough.  I say it!  Not you.  Understand?  Now help me find a place for these.  Wrap them in a napkin and carry them out with you.  I don't care.  I want them, and I will have them."

She had a bad attitude and I pushed them back across the table towards her.  "You figure it out.  I want nothing to do with this."

She grabbed them and poured them into her purse with everything else.  She then reached into the goop, felt around, pulled out a sopping wallet, slammed it on the table, and said, "I'm leaving.  You have a good night."

She pulled out a ten, put it on the table, tossed the wallet back into her very full bag, and lifted it.  She struggled a bit with it, but was able to make it about three steps before it slipped off of her shoulder and smashed against the floor, splattering food every which way.

Her pale face looked up at me, she scooped up her bag, and left.  One of the waiters came over and asked after her, "What are you doing?  What is all this?"  He turned to me and repeated the questions.

I shrugged and finished my meal in relative peace, and I was sure to avoid that place for a little while after that.


  1. You can get a 3 lb bucket and fill it only with General Tso's chicken from Walmart for $10. I've done this more times than I care to share.

  2. This can't be real. I'm not buying it. No, no, no way. Didn't happen.

  3. I've seen people fill up gallon freezer bags at these places, then engage in scream-fests with the management over whether or not it counts as part of their meal. I don't think it does, but people can be funny at "all-you-care-to-eat" restaurants.

  4. Did she put any tots in her pocket?

  5. Error calm the hell down and just enjoy the story

  6. An "upscale" Chinese buffet? I'm sorry but no such thing exists.

  7. Yeah I'm not convinced. The detail of the wallet being covered in food is difficult to believe. Unless she was completely cashew nuts.

  8. Gotta love the extra spice and flavour added to your food from the miscellaneous crumbs, spilled ink, receipts and other unmentionables from in there.

  9. Error, did it not happen or are you just so bothered by the mental image that you WANT it not to have happened?

  10. ^Are the two mutually exclusive?

  11. Nah, I can take it, this is just one of those I don't believe.

    Bite me Craig.


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