Perhaps She'll Find a Nice Eunuch

Story Submitted by James:

Tonya hadn't exhibited any unusual hang-ups before our date.  We spoke via e-mail and by phone.  She was very nice, but either didn't catch my flirts or ignored them completely.  We went out to an Indian place for dinner.

We had been seated and were talking about past relationships when she said, "I've never had sex."

I nodded.  "That's okay."

"I know it's okay," she snapped, "People who have sex before marriage have no decency, to put it delicately.  To put it indelicately, they have no morals and are twelve times more likely to have a divorce or STDs.  Have you had sex?"

"Yes."

"Really?  You?"

Time to bring out the wise ass.  "I'm surprised, too, given how many women like you there are out there."

She sat back.  "Decent women?  Yeah, and we're increasing our numbers.  At this rate, where will you go for sex?  Some old gym sock."  She smiled, satisfied.  Then, she frowned at me.  "How many times have you had sex?"

"Uh..."

"And what's the attraction?  Just bumping naked bodies together?  Sounds like something you do in nursery school.  And orgasms?  Overrated!"

"Maybe yours are."

She shook her head.  "No.  There's no reason for a woman to want sex other than having children.  And I don't think I want kids, so I might never have sex at all."

"Good.  More for me."

That made her crack a smile, but then she gave me a sad frown.  She said, "I feel sorry for you.  Sex isn't what true intimacy is all about.  It's about a man picking me up and carrying me all over the house."

I imagined a very tiring piggyback ride.  "I'm sorry?"

She said, "You know, like after a couple gets married and the man carries the woman over the threshold of their conjugal house.  I'd be happiest if I had a guy who'd pick me up and carry me all over the house, just like that.  Better than sex, that's for sure."

I said, "So you want a very strong guy who doesn't like sex."  She nodded.  I said, "Good luck out there."

She asked, "You won't give up sex for me?"

I shook my head.  She frowned, shrugged, and we ate in silence.  After an awkward, post-dinner goodbye, I never saw her again.