Evil Petting Zoo

Story Submitted by Richard:

Pamela described herself as a "country girl at heart" who "loved animals."  As our online discussions moved slowly towards the possibility of meeting up, I asked her if she wanted to visit a nearby petting zoo.  She replied, "I LOVE THAT IDEA!!!" and so as far as I was concerned, we had a date.

From the moment we arrived at the farm, though, problems arose.  It had rained over the past few days, so the dirt roads and pathways were muddy.  Pamela took one step out of her car and said, "I'm not walking in this."

It was muddy, yes, but not sink-your-foot-into-sludge bad.  Plus, they had done a decent job of clearing the main paths.  Pamela, however, stayed in her car.  I'm not sure what she had expected.  Even on a dry day, a petting zoo can be a dirty place.

I told her, "Let's at least see some animals.  We're here, after all."  She softened at that and followed me into a nearby barn.

Aside from a few workers, there were no other visitors, which was nice.  Some sheep and goats were corralled nearby, and I made for them.

"Whoof," Pamela said, rubbing her nose, "It smells like shit."

I asked, "Will you be okay?"

She said, "No.  You don't smell that?  It smells like shit."

I smelled it.  It was, as mentioned, a petting zoo.  I figured that most people dealt with such smells in stride, with the promise of sheep, cows, and goats awaiting them.

A cow mooed from another pen.  Pamela said, "And it's loud.  All these animals stink and they're loud."

The sheep gathered up towards us at the pen, as they were likely expecting a handout.  I grabbed a handful of pellets and fed them.  Awww.

Pamela shuddered and said, "That's disgusting!  Their mouth slime will be all over you!"

I had to ask, "You said on your profile that you liked animals.  What animals were you referring to?"

She said, "The kind you don't have to smell or feed or hear screaming into your ear."

I wasn't sure what she was expecting from a petting zoo.  I asked her, "Do you want to leave?"

She said, "Once you're done, and have washed your hands, yes."

I decided to take another five minutes walking around.  Maybe the place would grow on her.  We walked down another row of pens and she stopped, froze, and pointed.  I followed her gaze to a pair of llamas in a nearby corral.

"What the fuck are those?" she asked, as if they were some kind of alien life form.

"Llamas," I said.

She said, "They are so fucking ugly," then turned to me and asked, "Can we get out of here?  This smell is going to kill me."

I washed my hands at a spigot, and we walked back to our cars.  I asked her if she wanted to go someplace for coffee or a late lunch, but she said that she wanted to go straight home and shower.  Thus we parted ways.

She didn't seem mean or nasty, but my ideal woman is one who wouldn't mind the "zoo" or the "petting" part of the "petting zoo," so I didn't ask her out a second time.


  1. Maybe she thought he meant she'd be petting his "animal"...

  2. What did she think a petting zoo was? If she only likes "the kind you don't have to smell or feed or hear screaming into your ear," she should go check out her local Toys R Us. I hear they have some nice Littlest Pet Shop sets that fit her criteria.

  3. Question for you men: Does profane language make a woman any less attractive to you?
    I see a lot of posts on here where women curse like sailors, and it makes me wince every time I read it. It's so harsh and negative. (I can anticipate your answer, Howie), but in all seriousness, does it bother you guys at all?

  4. @Rachel: Nah. Unless she's clearly doing it for lame shock value, cursing is fine. If anything the opposite is worse: treating a date like a job interview and giving safe, pat 'this is what I think you want to hear' answers to everything.

  5. ^ What Andrew said. Face it, both sides are trying to assess the other's comfort zones - risky, but that's part of the game.

    That said, the kind of cursing I can't stand is someone littering their speech with s- and f-bombs for no particular reason, it's verbal diarrhea and embarrasing to listen to.

  6. PS Seems like Pamela was confused. I took a date to an Alpaca farm and, although it wasn't the greatest date in history she seemed to enjoy it for what it was worth, and we subsequently became friends. My date earned points for effort b/c an old brain injury messed up her stamina but she cheerfully walked modest distances.

  7. Maybe the 'country girl' has Farmville as her inspiration.

  8. @Rachel: Personally, I don't use profane language, really never have. While in college I decided to mark the use of profane language as ignorance and lack of vocabulary necessary to describe the world around us and its happenings. If someone curses in everyday conversation, regardless of their gender, it is a turn off and a friendship with me can't form. Its one thing to swear in the event of an injury or surprise, but if a swear word becomes a noun, adjective, verb, and conjugation in someone's vocabulary, is there any hope for meaningful conversations?? Also, as a Christian, anytime profanity involves the name of God, I am pretty much offended. So if that rules me to be a prude or ultraconservative, so be it.

  9. Jesus Christ I can't stand it when someone starts a sentence with "as a Christian." I can deal with cursing, but to me, pulling that malarkie is obscene, like it's giving you some self-proscribed moral high ground.

    You don't get a bonus for believing in one thing or another, and it doesn't make your point any more or less valid.

  10. ^ Amen!
    (See you in hell & hold the door open for me!)

  11. ...with the amount of deranged sex and profanity on this site, if you're offended - why are you here?

  12. I was with CompassHealthcare until the end. I can't stand people that refuse to go 3 words without cursing. Like (she, he?) said, it's alright in response to a surprise, or an appropriate event, but beyond that, it's annoying.

  13. Whoa! All CompassHealthcare was saying was that he didn't seem to mind cursing in general if the situation warrants it, except for "GD" etc. It was hardly getting on a moral high horse. Rather, he was giving you the reason why he didn't like "GD" which is because he's a Christian. He never said he was offended by the site.

    BTW, just because you're a Christian doesn't mean you're a prude. I'm a Christian and I've been reading this site for years. I also cuss, and drink, and enjoy dirty jokes. People really need to get past the idea that because you like Jesus all you do is sit in a room with a Bible and tell people they're going to hell. I'll get off the soapbox now.

  14. I'm teaching my kids that "bad" words have their uses, but not very often. If a person swears constantly, it is a sign that they either A) have no self control and can't keep from doing it or B) aren't educated enough to think of actual words to convey their feelings.

    Swearing isn't bad, per se, but it drives me nuts when people do it for no real reason.

  15. Wow. Thanks for all the input, guys. Interesting findings. :-)

  16. My dad's a construction worker, Roman Catholic, AND an Italian mild-sociopath. I was raised in a house where cursing was both commonplace and not okay. Mixed signals, FTW.

    I curse. A lot. But it depends on the situation. I don't curse at work, for example. I've made up words for that use instead. ("Chicken fart!" is a favorite.) Around friends or in a therapist's office, however, I let myself be myself and use "naughty" language. Sometimes, even when used as an adjective, adverb, verb, noun, or gerund, cursing is necessary. And a delightful stress reliever.

  17. She does seem mean, but not nasty. muahahahahahahaha.


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Content Policy

A Bad Case of the Dates reserves the right to publish or not publish any submitted content at any time, and by submitting content to A Bad Case of the Dates, you retain original copyright, but are granting us the right to post, edit, and/or republish your content forever and in any media throughout the universe. If Zeta Reticulans come down from their home planet to harvest bad dating stories, you could become an intergalactic megastar. Go you!

A Bad Case of the Dates is not responsible for user comments. We also reserve the right to delete any comments at any time and for any reason. We're hoping to not have to, though.

Aching to reach us? abadcaseofthedates at gmail dot com.