Zeroth Base

Story Submitted by Sylvia:

At dinner, Bill, a 24-year-old lawyer I met online, told me, "This is my first date since high school."

I smiled and said, "I hope it's not too painful."

He replied, "No, it's pleasurable right now.  I just don't know how to do the sex."

I froze, my spoon halfway between my bisque and my mouth.  "The what?"

He sighed, "You know, the sex.  I mean, I know that my penis goes into your vagina, but I've never done it before."

I put my spoon down.  "So you're a virgin?"

He cringed and said, "I don't like that word.  But I've never done the sex.  I'm sorry if I don't know what I'm talking about."

I laughed and said, "It's okay.  I don't think we're going to have sex, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.  Some people start late."

He smiled awkwardly and said, "Earlier today, I told my father I was going out with you, and he asked me if we were going to have the sex.  I didn't know what to tell him."

I said, "First off, it's just called, 'sex,' not, 'the sex.'"

"Sex," he repeated, "Just sex."

I try to be a very understanding and compassionate person, and I'm the first one to try and sympathize with the insecure and uptight, doing my best to set them at ease.  While Bill was obviously extremely intelligent, his apparent lack of sexual knowledge, much less experience, was puzzling to me, at best.

He said, "Are we going to have sex?"

I said, "Not tonight.  Let's take it one step at a time."

He said, "I can always buy a prostitute, but it should be something special."

I asked him, "Have you ever kissed someone?"

He leaned across the table to kiss me.  I darted away from him and said, "That wasn't me asking you to kiss me.  I asked if you've ever kissed anyone before?"

He said, "My high school girlfriend," then leaned in to kiss me again.

"Bill," I said, "down boy."

He sulked and finished his dinner as quickly as he could.  He paid for everything and I thanked him, and after dinner, we took a short walk.  I thought it would be nice to give him a little kiss, as he was an awkward dork, and his heart seemed to be in the right place.  Also, I liked the idea of being his first adult kiss.

When we stopped walking, I squeezed his hand and went in for a kiss.

Next thing I knew, Bill was like a Saint Bernard all over my face.  I pulled away, gave his hand another squeeze, and said, "Maybe we'll work on that."

Again, he was a sweet guy, but I wasn't in a major hurry to reach out to him again, and apparently, neither was he, vice versa.


  1. Aww this is more a sad date than a bad date :(

  2. The guy was probably just acting.

  3. ^Why would he act like a virgin? In the hopes that the girl will take pity on him and be his "first" fuck? He'd have had a better chance of that if he didn't get all Sloppy McGee on her face.

    This guy was just bizarre.

  4. Sounds like a case of Shirley Valentine (the movie).

  5. I was older than Bill when I first had sex, but I hope I never acted like that!


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