1/31/2011

Male Snow-vinist

Story Submitted by Ed:

Lisa and I met in the dead of winter. I offered to take her out for hot chocolate, and so we met.

It was during a light chat at a cafe that I had the idea to go outside and make a snowman. Her eyes lit up at the idea, and so we finished our drinks and went outside.

At first we were laughing and throwing snow and having a great time. We rolled the first big ball and assembled the second one, to be placed on top of the first.

Once the second ball was placed, I started packing snow for the third and final ball when she asked me, "What are you doing?"

I told her that I was making the snowman's head. She pointed to the top ball of the two-ball structure we had built and said, "This is its head."

I asked, "Don't snowmen usually have three levels to them?"

She said, "Would you mind calling it a 'snowperson'? 'Snowman' is sexist."

"Are you kidding me?" I asked, but that was the wrong thing to ask.

She stamped a foot into the snow and said, "I take it very seriously. Call it a snowperson or I'm leaving."

I was almost positive that she was joking, so I played along. I said, "Fine, but if I call it a snowperson, then I think we should add a third and final ball for the head."

"That will look weird," she said, "But whatever."

We rolled a third ball and placed it atop the prior two. It looked good, and it just needed arms and a face. Not thinking, I said, "He looks good."

She snapped, "What makes it a 'he'?"

"Okay, she looks good."

"What makes it a 'she'?"

I asked, "Do you think we could just have fun? You know, without worrying about the gender of an imaginary creature?"

She said, "I told you that I take gender stereotypes seriously, and this snowperson isn't imaginary. It's standing right here. It's real."

"Do you want to help me make this snowperson's face?"

"Yes."

"And while we're being politically correct, should we give it boobs? Or just one, in the spirit of gender equality?"

She gave me an awful face and said, "If you're going to oppress my beliefs, then I'm going to go."

I said, "Let's just make his face."

"Whose face?"

"Her face."

She groaned. I laughed. She said, "You still don't get it! Thousands of years of oppression isn't funny, Ed!"

I agreed with her for the sake of smoothing things over long enough to put a face on our snowman. We found some sticks to use as arms, and he looked pretty damn good.

By that point, I was tired of her and ended the date shortly afterward. I wrote her a day or two later to tell her that I just wanted to be friends, and she never responded.

10 comments:

  1. Maybe she was on her MENstrual cycle or having a MENtal breakdown....You should have kicked her in the snowballs and pushed her into a person-hole cover.

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  2. This story was Opressing.

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  3. Ha! Kicked her in the snowballs... good one Howie.

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  4. And just like that, she sets women back another thousand years.

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  5. What the...? Howie didn't say the OP should have told that flake she should get back for thousands of years of oppression by oppressing his manbits with her mouth? Is this site turning clean, or something?

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  6. ^ I could always pull some old school Gulliver out and say it's because she was a fat bitch. Would that make you feel better?

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  7. ˆShe does sound fat, Kitabare. Go for it!

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  8. Help! Help, I'm being oppressed!

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  9. You really shouldn't poke fun at the plight of the snowpeople, they've been fighting for equality for years! No more shall wandering teenagers punch them in half or allow dogs to pee on them! They shall rise up and be free at last!

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  10. Actually, skinny bitches are the ones most likely to complain about sexist shit because they are grumpy and hungry. We fat ladies would be too busy munching on a piece of coffee cake from the coffee shop while we watched Ed build the snow "person." Also, Ed you're awesome! I would have suggested a snow penis instead of boobs, but I adore that you suggested boobs. Good on ya for handling that.

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