First Prize at the County Fair

E-mail Submitted by John:

I almost never do this but I saw your profile and decided to write you.  You're a very handsome guy and I wanted to say hi.

Of course looks are only part of the package and I read the rest of your profile and it said that you like playing football (hmmm) building computers (no) and spelunking (ugh).  If we're going to be together then a few changes are in order.

I'm not some suburban housewife who you can pick up and put down as you please.  I have my own interests and desires and they need to be fulfilled.  A relationship requires sacrifice, and I need a lot of time from my man.

"Late nights at the office" won't fly with me.  You have a relationship/wife and your life has to change.  I have my own things that I want to do and a man in my life will have to be supportive.  This means giving a lot of things up (on his part) but he thinks that it's worth it to be with me.

What will you get in exchange?  Well me, for one.  The friends of guys I've dated have always said that they were jealous of the guy that I was dating while I was dating him.  I've had many lovers and have instructed them all.  Your turn is next.  I hope you don't drop the ball.



  1. *jaw drop* It will NEVER cease to amaze me how arrogant women and men on dating sites are. If you don't like a person's interests, then DON'T MESSAGE THEM. Leave them be! If you don't like a person's picture, DON'T LOOK AT IT. Christ amighty, no wonder those people are single!

    Although the saddest part of this story is that, someday, she'll find some balless man who will cave in and change himself for her, and she'll think she's in Heaven for the rest of her days...until he gives her herpes from the prostitutes he's been boning on the side.

  2. ^ This. So much. I really don't understand how these people honestly believe everyone will cater to their every whim.

  3. "What will you get in exchange? Well me, for one. That, in and of itself, is generous recompense, far exceeding the various other things you will get, things which bear no acknowledgment due to their comparative lack of value against my very existence. You see, in my world I am nothing less than an avatar of perfection itself. So perfect am I that in my stern, but fair, guidance, you will find fulfillment of the assorted gaping holes in your life; holes which I created for your more perfect enjoyment of me. Perfect indeed is my nature, such that no prior suitor has been able to sustain such exhaustive perfection. Thus can your own perfection be measured: in your ability to withstand mine."

  4. that has psychopathology written all over it.

  5. Translation:
    1 - Drop trou.
    2 - Step forward.
    3 - Insert nuts into vice.
    4 - Big smiles, now.

  6. *Inside Helen's mind*

    Hmmmm... Daniel looks good, but what's this!? He has outside interests...

    Well, he might not fit my mold, but I bet I can cram him in there! Have to lose those balls though...

  7. Did anyone else notice how quickly they became married? I'm pretty sure she's also an amateur dominatrix. Dude, run.

  8. perhaps the divorce rate wouldn't be so high if people would wait to find someone who matches their personality instead of grabbing the first one to come along and trying to force that person to fit their needs...


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