9/08/2010

Why to Always Keep a Labeling Marker On Hand

Submitted by Bruce:

Last fall, my brother asked me if I could pick up my niece from her kiddie gym around midday.  I did, and while there I met Nora, one of the instructors.

Nora had a fantastic body, a great smile, and took a lot of time to talk to me about not only my niece's progress at the gym, but also each other.  I've been wrong in the past about mistaking super-friendliness for flirting, but I had a good feeling about her and asked her out to dinner on the spot.

We drove separately to a Japanese restaurant in the middle of town.  She showed up in a dress that accentuated each of her assets.  She flashed me that dynamite smile again, and I nearly forgot how to form a sentence.

Dinner went very well, although she seemed to be fishing for compliments a lot of the time.  I did my best to convey to her how beautiful and smart I thought she was.

After dinner, we hugged goodbye.  I promised to call her, and we headed to our respective homes.

When I made it back to my front door, there was something waiting for me: a small box with a red ribbon.  It was labeled, "From Nora."

I stood up and looked around.  Had she left it there before the date?  Or had she rushed back to my place to leave it there when I was on my way back?  Slightly more importantly, how had she known where I lived?

I went inside and opened it up.  A blank DVD.  For the first time that night, I had a bad feeling.  Something didn't seem right.  I popped in the DVD and watched...

...a video of Nora and another man, having sex on the floor of what looked like a classroom.

I turned it off.  Clearly, she wasn't the one who left it on my porch.  My guess, the guy in the video had left it, somehow finding out where I lived.  Great.  Now I had a psycho ex with whom to deal.

I thought about calling Nora, but remembered how tense she had seemed during dinner, and decided against it.  Why worry her even more?  My plan was to ignore it.  If a sex video was the worst that the guy could do, then what did I have to be worried about?

I called Nora the next day, and she sounded very happy to hear from me.  We made tentative plans for the weekend.

"Did you get the present I left on your porch?" she asked.

I forgot how to form a sentence again.  "Uh..."

"Did you like it?"

How to react?  "It was... well, it's a little unusual that you left me a video of you and another guy having sex, but... I guess I'm... flattered?"

Silence.  Then, "What did you say?  Me and another guy... oh my God."

Whoops!  Turns out, she meant to leave me a video of a solo acting performance she had done in a regional theatre troupe, and she had in fact left it there before the date.

She hurried off the phone, and out of respect, I waited a few days before calling her.

When I did, I left a message to let her know that it was nothing to worry about, that it was an accident, and that I'd be glad to return the disc to her whenever and wherever she wanted.

Never heard from her again.

27 comments:

  1. Tiger got Wood and he's going to use it on your girl.

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  2. I've made this mistake, but in fairness my solo theatre performance involved a sousaphone and a donkey named Ramone.

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  3. Fizziks, that was you?! I saw that production at the little theatre on Baltimore's strip club block back when I was in college and considering career options. I thought your portrayal of Don Quixote was really innovative and spoke of the existential angst that unsung heroes so often experience.

    Didn't really care for the donkey though. I thought his portrayal of Abraham Lincoln was trite and forced.

    This story however, was brilliant. I can understand the girl's reluctance to call the OP back. Hopefully he did the noble thing and trashed the DVD.

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  4. *raises hand* A few questions... I hate when these stories leave me like this.
    How did she indeed get that to your house? How did she know where you lived? Furthermore - it's an effing bizarre present. Though since she was fishing for compliments, I guess that's how she rolls.

    And also rolls in the classroom where she teaches kids. Kinky.
    Should have called once more. Gave up the chance at a hot, kinky, ninja.

    I don't know how I'll ever get through my day now.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @ Nikki - Aww, it's so cute that you think a guy would destroy porn. And speaking as the Donkey Trainer and acting coach, I think it was one hell of a performance. Do you have any idea how long it took to get him into that beard/chin-strap dildo?

    Great story OP!

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  6. Tiger Woods!!!!

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  7. I'm convinced that "fat bitch," "Tiger Woods" and "dodged the bullet" are the three things people post if they can't think of anything intelligent to say.

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  8. A lion would never cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood!

    Now that is GOLD, Jerry!

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  9. @3:08PM You just mentioned all three in you comment dumbass.

    A Tiger Wood, jackpot.

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  10. This story must be a troll trying to wind up the commentors. People are usually so quick to find fault with the OP’s handling of the situation she probably thought she’d give them something to moan about!

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  11. Fizziks, that was you?! I saw that production at the little theatre on Baltimore's strip club block back when I was in college and considering career options. I thought your portrayal of Don Quixote was really innovative and spoke of the existential angst that unsung heroes so often experience.

    Didn't really care for the donkey though. I thought his portrayal of Abraham Lincoln was trite and forced.

    This story however, was brilliant. I can understand the girl's reluctance to call the OP back. Hopefully he did the noble thing and trashed the DVD.

    ReplyDelete
  12. *raises hand* A few questions... I hate when these stories leave me like this.
    How did she indeed get that to your house? How did she know where you lived? Furthermore - it's an effing bizarre present. Though since she was fishing for compliments, I guess that's how she rolls.

    And also rolls in the classroom where she teaches kids. Kinky.
    Should have called once more. Gave up the chance at a hot, kinky, ninja.

    I don't know how I'll ever get through my day now.

    ReplyDelete
  13. @ Nikki - Aww, it's so cute that you think a guy would destroy porn. And speaking as the Donkey Trainer and acting coach, I think it was one hell of a performance. Do you have any idea how long it took to get him into that beard/chin-strap dildo?

    Great story OP!

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  14. I agree with nomatophobia. This is more like swiss cheese than ABCOTHD. The OP should prove the story is authentic - upload the DVD.

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  15. 3:48 I am convinced that you are far more ignorant than anyone 3:08 was mentioning.

    Also I think you meant "your comment"

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  16. Ellen's Wood9/08/2010 10:53 PM

    These are by far the worst Tiger Woods jokes I've ever encountered.

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  17. Too bad she never called back... sounds like she could have been fun.

    Seems like she wood have been a tiger in the sack, though now there's no fat chance that she'll be your bitch. Perhaps you could have dodged the issue by saying that your DVD player was not working, due to a bullet that got lodged in it during drunken target practice.

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  18. i think we all agree, op needs to send us a link to the sex tape...purely for story verification purposes, of course.

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  19. pics or it didn't happen.

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  20. Two things:

    1. Married, I'm a big fan of your comment.

    2. Is anyone else seeing the "named account" (me, Fizziks, Noma, Architect)'s comments as Anonymous comments later in the thread?

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  21. Yeah Nikki, I see them too. They have new time stamps, so someone is repeating them I guess.

    I think you guys have a stalker.

    << Jealous

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  22. @ Nikki: Bitchy cunts are way better than trolls! I fall into the same category. High five!

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  23. At least you got another video for the spank bank.

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  24. I agree with Nikki. Married, your comment made me tingle in my downstairs.

    ReplyDelete

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