Submitted by Architect:
Melissa contacted me on one of the many dating websites and introduced herself. I was pretty psyched because she was super cute and seemed to have her life together. She had two kids, her own home, and seemed, for all intents and purposes, sane. We did the standard email exchange for a week or two and then moved on to chatting via IM.
As our conversations became longer and longer, I noticed an irritating trend: we always seemed to be talking about her.
I asked, "So, where did you grow up?" and she would pour out everything I ever wanted to know about her childhood. But each time, there was no follow up about me. Now, I'm as much of a self-centered jerk as the next guy, and while I liked learning all about Melissa, I wanted to talk about me, too.
The main reason that I noticed this fact is because I was unemployed at the time and had moved back in with my parents to save some money. Naturally, I was pretty nervous about revealing this information because of the negative light it would cast on me. I really wanted to get it off my chest because I like to be upfront and honest. I decided to wait for the right opportunity.
Melissa and I moved on to phone calls but the pattern persisted. If I turned the conversation to me, she turned it right back to herself and her two kids.
For our first date, Melissa scored some tickets to a ballet downtown and asked if I would pick her up. I was really looking forward to the date, but was still concerned about explaining my job situation to her.
I consulted one of my best female friends, Fizziks, on how I should approach the topic, given my inability to get a word in about myself. Fizziks advised, "This girl has already decided exactly who you are even though she knows nothing about you. Facts won't change that."
Friday came and I sallied forth to pick up Melissa for the ballet. I was dressed to kill and she wore a little black dress that looked great.
On the car ride over, I explained that I had no job and was living with my parents. I held my breath and braced for the worst.
She replied, "Last week, one of my boys did the cutest thing..." as if I hadn't even said a thing! I could have told her that I liked killing small animals and making hats for my wang out of their lifeless corpses! She just didn't care. Fizziks had nailed it!
At that point, I completely lost interest in her. We went to the "ballet" which actually turned out to be a kids' production with tinny music coming from one lonely speaker hung from the ceiling. Melissa talked right on through it. "Oh, I should have gotten my boys involved in this! Did I tell you about that cute thing they did last week?"
At dinner afterward (I know, why did I bother?), I asked her point blank, "We've been spending a lot of time talking about you and your kids, is there anything you want to know about me?"
She said, "Um, do you like kids?"
That's it. I was done. I took her home, told her I was not really feeling a connection, and left. Cute or not, nothing could make me want to spend another evening orbiting the center of the universe that was Melissa.
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A neato article from the BBC about love 'n friendship 'n how pursuit of the former could cost you the latter.
^ Mel Gibson, you left out Mel Gibson. I've got you covered.
ReplyDeleteQuestion, what does Mel Gibson tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing! He's told the bitch twice already!
That cute thing her kids did? Made dookie castles in the living room.
ReplyDelete^ I thought this date had the distinct smell of shit about it....but that could have just been me.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I'm certain this chick is currently dating a serial pederast who's only too happy to hear all about her two son's adventures.
ReplyDeleteLame story...nothing really stood to make this interesting. Are you sure it was HER that talked about herself too much? Clearly being the first to post and having 2 out of 5 comments so far on your own story makes me think that you were far too boring and self centered. I bet she thought so too and that's why she took you to the "Nutcracker" ballet.
ReplyDelete@ Colin Allcarz - My god, you are so right! I wish I had the good sense to keep my lame stories to myself. Man I wish I wasn't such a self-centered ass! Regular commenters like myself should never post a story and actually comment, 'cause that's just lame. Thanks for the heads up douche bag.
ReplyDeleteI don't exactly agree with Colin but he makes a point... the regulars on here are a little too involved in this site. You guys should just make it exclusive to yourselves, date each other, and post your own stories and make your own comments or something... I don't know, it's just getting creepy...
ReplyDeleteWow...and so sensitive too, Architect! Wah!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you lived at home with mommy and daddy far too long...or maybe you still do? Is it nap time yet? Did mommy bring you the comics and a cuppa lightly steeped tea with 1 1/2 sugars yet?
And...c'mon turning to name calling for having an opinion (one that is clearly not the same as yours) must make mine wrong....right? Wrong.
I used to think Architect was funny but after this he just seems like a boring guy. And calling Colin a douche makes Architect a little douche-y himself.
ReplyDeleteMelissa sounds like a real winner. Good thing you escaped that one.
ReplyDeleteOh, and Architect sucks.
Maybe if some of you got away from this site for one moment you would actually be able to find a mate. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteLOL! God I love this site!
ReplyDeleteAnd the parts of the 2 children in the story were played by...?
ReplyDeleteMaybe she changed the topic because let me be honest here: no woman I know would like to talk about being on a date with someone living in his parents house. That's just the reality here. Also if you are unemployed and living with mom then maybe you shouldn't be so picky. OP seemed a little harsh overall. It was one date.
ReplyDelete10:53am, yes it is a little creepy indeed. Sometimes this feels like a social networking site. I do like the stories though. Some of them are really good.
ReplyDeleteSo... You live at home with your parents, have no job, nothing to talk about... AND SHE'S THE BAD DATE!?!?!
ReplyDeleteI agree Melissa sounds like a terrible date, but if you noticed ONLINE that she wasn't asking you any questions about yourself, why did you think this would change when you met up in person? Why even go on the date when her personality was already sort of bugging you online? Maybe next time type "So is there anything you want to know about me?" in your IM chats, instead of complaining about some random online girl to your online friend. The online version is almost ALWAYS better than the in-person version, as this site clearly illustrates time and time again. I dunno, I guess I'm just some random online girl but whatever, there are my thoughts.
ReplyDelete12:53, you are on to something. Who are these commentator personae we have created?
ReplyDeleteBy the way, glad Nikki and Jared shared crabs and beer. Two percent of the world are infected with pubic lice (estimate), and how many people are lonely enough to share crabs in exchange for the touch of another human being?
^^gross. And creepy. A whole new level of creepy. Thanks for raising the bar here.
ReplyDeletethis is the most boring story i have ever read...and i just finished the scarlet letter
ReplyDelete^that's more of a burn on your understanding of literature than this story.
ReplyDelete@1:09 - Not to nitpick, but Architect and Fizziks actually know each other in real life. They live relatively close to one another and have a friendship apart from the Internet. I've met both, and they're surprisingly nice, interesting people in person.
ReplyDelete@1:17 - There's really no good way of explaining to people that you "shared" crabs (i.e. ate a dead crustacean) without someone making a pubic lice joke. Seven-Thirty's just mad I make fun of him. :P
Architect, I have to say, the trolls are right: this "relationship" was doomed from the beginning.
@ Nikki - Thanks :-) And I definitely knew it was doomed, but like I said, she was super cute and I'm just that shallow.
ReplyDeleteSo the regulars here all know each other? Is this site done by a group of friends who post and comment on each others dates? I always wonder why it is the same people commenting on every story. It seemed weird. That would explain that level of involvement.
ReplyDeleteHey...we don't all know each other...I mean, it was only 1 orgy...and it was dark...so a lot of introductions were not even made
ReplyDelete^Heck, while we all met in my person, I've never seen most of these people's faces.
ReplyDeleteWait the regulars DON'T all know each other IRL? Huh?
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised that such a long time reader and commentator did us all the disservice of submitting a story that ended up going nowhere. I don't care if you comment a lot, know other commentators in person, spend most of your time commenting on these stories, live at home, and have no job. Someone who has been "Involved" in this site as long as Architect has should know better than putting up such a trivial story. It was not entertaining. So disappointed.
ReplyDeleteI just wish I had a boss who was cool with me spending all day commenting on dates. I am envious, seriously, no sarcasm. My IT department would be up in my face if I visited this site at work. And yes today is a day off for me.
ReplyDeleteWell Fizziks...I do remember one thing from that night....you had the whitest teeth I've ever cum across!
ReplyDelete@4:04 - I met Fizziks and Architect (who are friends in real life) once over the summer. Jared stopped by my apartment during the summer while on his cross-country road trip. I haven't met any other commenters, and this isn't a vast conspiracy of people getting together to make a website and jerk themselves off over it. We just like to comment obsessively.
ReplyDelete@4:09 - I'm pretty stoked to work where I work. My internet usage is never checked (although I do a CCleaner sweep every Friday before I shut down for the weekend), and as long as I get my work done on time (which I always do), it's not a problem. Sorry that you don't work at a more flexible place. :( (No sarcasm)
@4:05 - You've got a point.
I confess to being confused as to why regular commenters are deemed 'creepy' - I observe that MOST blogs and sites have regulars. And that seems preferable to me to a stream of just-once-thru visiters like a interstate gas station or your mom's vajingo. Perhaps the creepy is that our blog of choice is *this* one :P
ReplyDeleteSorry, 4:09 - but, fer realz, get a better phone. Solves everything.
Mad at you, Nikki, for making fun of me?
ReplyDeleteNot on your life. Jealous actually. Jealous that when the best of the ABCOD comes out in paperback, you'll be mentioned in the forward... probably even invited to release party... champagne will be flowing. Some of the guests (not you or Jared) will be doing lines of coke.
Fiona Apple, They Might Be Giants or some other musical group will do an impromptu song or two.
Fizziks will turn out to be a 31-year-old MILF scientist whose snatch is honeymoon fresh despite have been ravaged by her doctoral advisor and a couple of kids.
The housing crisis will be over and Architect will have work.
Anyway this post reminded me of a foxy woman colleague from many years ago. A group of us were having drinks after work, high pressure media job. She started talking about a guy she had just dumped. He was a divorced dad who had tried to get her interested in his kid(s) -- can't remember if it was one or two.
"He had kids, and do you know he expected me to play the step mom," she said indignantly.
At one point in the evening she asked me how old I was. She didn't say that much more to me after that. Most divorced parents who care about their kids will be very anxious for any date to accept the connection early on.
Of course, a person who is totally into themselves will always be a bore no matter how good looking.
This story sucked, but the comments had me trying to hold in my laughter (yes, at the office).
ReplyDelete*Le sigh* FIZZIKS! Enough with the phone! I know it's awesome! I know you know I'm jealous!
ReplyDeleteThe funny thing is, this reminds me of a Vanity Fair article about a woman named Melissa with two kids obsessively bringing the topic back to them.
Turns out she was a cop trying to entrap pederasts by trying to push them to have sex with her kids.
Architect, you dodged an Adebisi bullet!
This is a major turn off, no matter how good looking the narcissist is. I dated a wannabe rock star for a couple of weeks and it only lasted that long because when he would actually shut up about how cool he was, he was a fantastic kisser. He got old real fast though. And his band sucked.
ReplyDeleteI for one want to hear more of Architect's bad dates, so shut your stupid faces.
^ ...go on a date with him and I'm sure he'll post it here...that is, if his parental units let him stay out longer then when the street lights go on.
ReplyDeleteI would love to! I mastered sneaking out of the house by 12 and sneaking boys in by 14. Although you're saying before he even meets me that it's going to be a bad date. Dick.
ReplyDeleteSays he's good with cabinetry, maybe he could build that little box from Prince's "Get Off" for me.
Alas, we reside nearly 3,000 miles apart. It's not to be.
Error, I say that you and Architect arrange to meet at the top of the Empire State Building on Valentine's Day and then do it right there while tourists look on and snap pictures. It'd be a hell of a submission for the site!
ReplyDeleteSounds like a bad plan Nikki! Or we could meet in Fizziks enormous tube and she could light up her diaphragm with a big red heart for us to have dinner by.
ReplyDeleteI've never considered that there might be photographic evidence to some of these shenanigans. Has there been a round of ABCOTD porno naming yet?
It's all "intensive" purposes, idiot. You know, because the purposes are... intensive. Or something.
ReplyDeleteArchitect, impressively pathetic and embarrassing submission. When it come to dating you have quite the cognitive impairment, and a case of "too happy to be there". Don't feel bad though, most guys (including Jared) do along with a few girls.
ReplyDeleteIt can be considered an understatement to say trying to date while unemployed is poor judgment. ..."I'm trying to save money by moving in with my parents"
It is amusing that you say "seemed to have her life together", so clearly this is important or was it because you didn't have your life together?
Aren't you quite contradictory.
Props for projecting your insecurities on Melissa as well as laying on her information that doesn't help your cause (unemployed). If she were to bring up the subject, saying you were in between jobs would be quite acceptable especially given the current economic conditions so why are you sweating it? To more accurately state it, you just reeked of desperation instead of perspiration.
You are rather craftily creative when it comes to shooting yourself in the foot.
Based on this story, you are clearly the bad date and will continue to be given the previously diagnosed conditions of yours. You should probably do something about that if you every want to have any success in the future.
So, do you have an architects license or did you just go to school to try to be one?
Hear, hear......!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@ 11:16 - Just an FYI, Jared changed that. It was "intensive" in my original.
ReplyDelete@ Error - Thanks for the love! I think I chummed the waters on this post with my 3rd comment and everyone decided it was feeding time. Alas, if only you were not 3000 miles away, it could have been love!
@ Anon 2:06 - STFU and GTFO.
@Architect, lol, it really is "intents and purposes." You got double-trolled! Hahaha.
ReplyDelete-11:16
all those calling him the bad dates must be also self centered and talk all the time about themselves, I've had co-workers like this Melissa who wouldn't shut up about their kids and what they do, even if they burped lol they're boring and obsessed, and there is nothing wrong with being unemployed and between jobs.
ReplyDeleteThe bad date not dates, typo
ReplyDeleteI think the OP may be unrealistic here. I sort of read this as "OMG! She wasn't fazed by the fact that I live with my parents! She must have low standards!" If your self-esteem is that low, you're just sabotaging yourself. Why not accept that she might genuinely like you enough not to care about your lack of a job?
ReplyDelete