Last Night's Cell Count Came Up One Short

Submitted by Alex:

My first time calling Alicia (we had met online), she asked me if I was a "protector or a predator."

I wasn't sure if it was a reference to something, but the logical answer seemed to be "protector," so that's what I said.

"Really?  Interesting," she replied.

I pressed her for what she had meant, but her only answer was that she was "just curious."  Maybe she just asked it to be quirky.  I put it out of my mind, and everything else was normal, for the time being.  That being the case, I asked her out on a date.  A walk and lunch.

I made it to our meeting place, and not long after, a pudgy young woman, around my age, walked up to me and said, "You're about to meet Alicia.  You'd better treat her right."

I asked this girl who she was, and she repeated, "Treat her right!" and walked away.

Moments later, Alicia herself showed up.  She seemed glad to see me, and we hugged hello.  However, there was the little matter of...

"Some girl just came up to me and warned me to treat you right.  What was that all about?" I asked.

Alicia said, "That's one of my protectors.  She used to be a predator, but now I've made her into a protector.  It's okay."

"Can you explain what you mean by 'predators' and 'protectors'?  I'm just not following."

"Protectors wear white.  Predators are everyone else.  You're wearing some white, so you're safe."

It was true, I had white in the shirt I was wearing.  And the girl who had approached me wore a white skirt.  I decided to just roll with it.  It was probably just some game that she was playing, that I'd be clued into, sooner or later.

It became more than a game in a hurry, though.  After a brief walk, I asked her if she wanted to go to lunch at Andre's, a cafe nearby.

She refused.  "I can't.  I haven't scouted it since last year."

"Can you explain all of this to me?" I asked, "It's creeping me out."

She suggested that we do lunch "somewhere outdoors with lots of light," and so we found another place.

She never explained her strangeness to me, and I wasn't about to bring it up anymore, fearing that she'd do something even weirder.

After the date, we went our separate ways, and I had no real intent to contact her again.

That night though, an e-mail arrived from her:

"had to make sure you weren't one.  sorry."

A few days later:

"knew you were one after all.  bye."


  1. ...wow. What a hell of a story to come back to after a brief absence. I think this is one of my new favorite stories. Maybe she was playing a strange version of "Humans vs. Zombies"? (PS: That game was invented at my alma mater, Goucher College.

  2. Missed a perfect trolling opportunity. When you realized she was bananas, you could have made a contorted grimace, then summoned your most demonic voice and said "If being a predator is wrong, I don't want to be right. MUHAOROAHAROAH"

  3. I heard that tiger has joined the Mistress Protection Programme.

  4. Transcending written history, a tale of war between two primal forces rages on, with the victor determining the ultimate destiny of humankind, Predators vs. Protectors. Which one are you?

    The OP should've gone along with it, just for the heck of it, can never know too many "quirky" folks in life.

    And what's with all these Tiger Woods comments, come on guys seriously.. let's move on to Mel Gibson.

    How is Tiger different from his Mistresses? He appears to have tight lips, first and last.

  5. Some people try to feel special by trying to be different, sometimes it works and other times they are just creepy like the OPs date.

  6. What amazes me isn't that he had a date with a crazy person. We get those kind of stories here all the time. What amazes me is that this nutty bitch actually got another person (the "you'd better treat her right" fat chick) to go along with this! That's some Charlie Manson style insanity right there. Does she have a "family" of brainwashed killers? Does she call her home a "compound"? I have so many questions.

  7. Yes, we all know. Tiger Woods is a creepy pervert who probably has a ton of STDs. Just don't date him, ladies. Moving on...

  8. I'm a predator and so are Jared, Nikki, Sparkina, Fizziks, nomatophobia, Sawyer and The Architect, just ask the two girls we have tied up in Baku-chan's basement, she's one too.

  9. ^ XD

    I kind of wish he hadn't worn white. This story probably would've been a lot more entertaining!

  10. Over the years, Mel Gibson has insulted Jews, African-Americans, and Mexicans. Don’t worry, if he hasn't insulted your ethnicity yet, he’ll get around with it.

  11. This is too easy, Tiger Woods is a predator.

  12. Australian archaeologists have documented the remains of ancient giant rats which were discovered in a remote East Timorese cave. The rats are believed to be the ancestors of Mel Gibson.

  13. Seven-Thirty9/14/2010 12:45 PM

    I like the title but what does it refer to? One brain cell too few? A cell, as in a group of people who are spying?

    Never date people who list Star Wars as a favorite movie.

  14. How awkward would it have been if you showed up in a Predator costume with a xenomorph shield, pretended to be hunting her for sport, bled glowing blood and only see her through thermal imaging. You could have gotten a good show watching her put mud all over herself so she couldn't see you.
    But that story would have been better submitted to A Totally Awesome Case of the Dates.

  15. Jesus, Seven-Thirty. It's referencing the fact that her cell in the mental hospital was empty.

  16. I think he walked right into this. On a first phone conversation, if someone said, "Are you a Protector or a Predator?" my answer would have been, "What do you mean?" It's kind of odd to just pick one and say it. He might have figured out much earlier that she was a nut.

  17. Seven-Thirty9/14/2010 5:55 PM

    Gosh, Nikki, they don't keep mentally ill people in cells anymore. Under Reagan the mental hospitals were emptied and the former patients discovered the joys of camping out.

    Please no more Tiger Woods, unless there is date that began at the International House of Pancakes and ended with fornication on minature course.

  18. She just wanted you to be one of the collective, what was so bad about that? I really want to know how she would have behaved around a "predator." Would a small legion of her minions have come out of the woodwork to surround him in all their white-wearing glory? We'll never know.

  19. Aw shucks Nikki. You fed the darn troll :(.

  20. Seven-Thirty9/15/2010 6:30 AM

    Coriolanus, to troll or not to troll that is the question. On the serious side, I have two thoughts on ABCOD in reference to the discussion you dismissed:

    1) Suspension of disbelief or "willing suspension of disbelief" is a formula for justifying the use of fantastic or non-realistic elements in literature. It was put forth in English by the poet and aesthetic philosopher Samuel Taylor Coleridge, who suggested that if a writer could infuse a "human interest and a semblance of truth" into a fantastic tale, the reader would suspend judgment concerning the implausibility of the narrative. (Stolen from Wikipedia)

    It thus follows that many dates are also based on suspension of disbelief. How deep into a bad date must one go before the willingness to do things like fish clothes out of toilets or put strangers up on couches before the reality is just too gritty to bear?

    2) ABCOD commentary revolves has several strands. There is the advice column angle, but this is odd because in the majority of post there is no problem left to resolve. The poster either dodged the bullet and learned a lesson, or in the small happy endings section they survived an awkward moment (head stuck in rails/toughed out fishing trip) and ended in coupled bliss.

    So the advice aspect at best benefits readers who may still consider dating.

    Do you think Schadenfreude is the main attraction? I don't think so. My feeling is that most of the regular commentators are kind people who share a bag of donuts with a fat bitch if they met one in real life.

  21. I don't know. Nikki shared crabs with me when we met in person.

    When it comes down to it, I think that a lot of people, whether or not they say it on here, are willing to give other people the benefit of the doubt. That's to their credit (most of the time), and is also why so many folks "tough it out."

  22. Seven-Thirty9/15/2010 12:12 PM

    Maryland crab is an excellent choice of foods on a first date, provided you have the right wine, something from California perhaps?

  23. " I decided to just roll with it."

    She must have been really hot. This girl should hang out with the one who thought she was a vampire.

  24. Seven thirty my "advice" to you would be to get away from your computer more and stop taking this fun site waaaay too seriously.

  25. ^ Agreed. *eye roll at Seven-Thirty*

  26. Sorry for feeding the troll, Coriolanus, but at least when *I* fed him, he only wrote two paragraphs. ;)

    And for those who are curious, we ate the crabs the correct way: lots of Old Bay, hand-picked over a table, and with beer to wash everything down. (Jared showed his New England roots by bringing Sam Adams, which was very kind.)

  27. ^ So in other words, he showed you his root, and you gave him crabs. Nice, Nikki, nice...


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