We Meant No Offense

Submitted by Ron:

My second date with Joyce is one that I won't forget too easily.  There's a beautiful cafe by a river in a town convenient to both of our houses, and she was all over the idea of going there on a cool summer evening.

Dinner went well, and we really had great chemistry.  Afterward, we took a walk around town, and found ourselves on the campus of a local college.

There were plenty of low walls, balustrades, pillars, steps, and gates, and we had the typical kind of running, laughing, and gallivanting about that you'd expect.

We made it to a low, iron fence that had, every few yards, a pillar with a lantern and a sculpted bust.

"A lot of heads," Joyce remarked, then ran to the other side of the fence and stuck her head through the bars.  She made a serious face like the heads on the pillars  I laughed.  She smiled and attempted to extricate herself from the fence.

Her smile became a frown, and then an expression of panic.

"Okay," she said, "Um... help."

I thought she was still kidding around, so I acted as if to put my foot up to her head and push her out that way.

"No!" she shrieked, "I'm seriously stuck!"

I said, "You got yourself in there... your head can't be any bigger, now.  Try turning it."

She tried and failed.  Oh, how she failed.  I ran to her side of the fence and try as we might, we just couldn't free her from the bars.

I suggested that I run and grab some vaseline from a nearby drug store.  The idea of it grossed her out, but we were out of ideas.

Before I left, I told her, "Keep trying, but don't force it."

I made it back in about twenty minutes.  Luckily, she was able to lower herself into kneeling position so that she didn't have to stand.  However, she was still held fast.

I rubbed vaseline all over her face and head.  She shuddered, and we worked her head gingerly back and forth.  As I said, we were out of other ideas, save for calling the fire department.

That's funny.  That sound of fire truck sirens.

She turned her head, and it popped out.  She fell backward.

Moments later, two fire trucks arrived, down at the road.  Three firefighters jogged up to us.  Someone must have seen that Joyce had caught herself and had called the fire department.

However, the vaseline had done the trick.  I explained the situation to the firefighters, and they asked Joyce if she was okay, if she had any pain, etc.  They were really very nice, and Joyce told them that she felt fine, although she desperately wanted a shower.

As an epilogue, Joyce and I are still dating.  She doesn't go sticking her head into fences anymore, though.  And if she knew that I had sent this in, she'd probably shove my head into a fence.


  1. I can think of so many other things that could have gone wrong with head and Vaseline...

  2. And I can think of several that could go OH so right with head and Vaseline...

  3. Looks like the OP dodged a major bullet here! This girl was apeshit crazy.

  4. That's actually a cute story. Embarrassing, but fun memories.

    And what the hell are you talking about, 9:58?

  5. This isn't a bad date, it's more like something bad that happened on a date.

  6. You know, you would assume that the person who, on a first date, thinks "tee hee I will stick my head inside that random object and it will be FUNNY" would naturally always be the guy. And you would be wrong.

  7. Good move OP, way to save the day. Is there anything Vaseline can't do?

    Just to drop a little IBC (International Building Code) knowledge on you guys, building inspectors carry a 4" diameter ball around with them to test these kinds of things. If the 4" ball can pass between the fence railings then it doesn't meet building code specifically for this reason.

  8. Seven-Thirty8/17/2010 1:10 PM

    Almost nothing for the usual pundits to grap on to here, except vaseline jokes...

    On my second date with Joyce she was on her knees waiting, so I ran for some lube... no it's not funny. To many posts like this will be the end of ABCOD.

  9. a) I thought this was a cute date. Glad she didn't go totally postal.

    b) Seven-Thirty, for once I agree with you! What happens to all of us commenters when there's nothing to bitch and moan about, and no fat/gay/your mom jokes to be told?!

    c) Thanks, Architect! I now have a fun fact to tell people at random moments. :)

  10. Good to hear you're still together OP, since there's nothing obviously wrong with either of you.

    This reminds me of an old joke though:

    A Scot and his French companion are walking together through the Scottish countryside, when they come across a sheep with its head caught in a fence.

    Jock pauses to look around, hikes up his kilt, and proceeds to give the trapped sheep a damned fine rogering.

    After several minutes of wild bleating and excited cursing the sated Scot pulls away. As he readjusts his kilt he makes eye contact with his rather flustered french friend.

    "Och, sorry Francois. Er... didja fancy a go?" asks Jock as he politely gestures towards the still-trapped sheep.

    "Mais oui mon ami! Merci, merci! responds Francois, and with a huge grin on his face proceeds to jam his head into the fence.

  11. I'm with Mastiff, as far as I can understand. A lost opportunity, to be sure...

  12. Seven-Thirty8/17/2010 7:27 PM

    Thanks, Nikki. I am here to make you look sharp. Hope you appreciate it.

  13. I think Nomatophobia needs to contribute something worth reading next time.

    Seriously, stop commenting.

  14. I like Mastiff's joke :)

  15. I sense more trouble in the future if she's grossed out by vaseline.

  16. ^ Thanks for that

  17. I think he should have taken more advantage of her apparent inability to run away.

  18. Architect: Just to drop a little IBS on you, have you ever used that ball to check if anything else was "to code"? For some a string attached would be needed.

    OP, you missed an opportunity and she dodged a cumsprite bullet! You could have totally gone all E. Edward Grey on her!

    This story reminds me of another story about a fat lady being stuck in a restaurant then diners poked her with plastic forks. Oh how differently things could have turned out for you OP. I heard about it on NBC but I've only been able to find this article:



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