Obsession Has No Shelf Life

Submitted by Doug:

I had just arrived home from work.  My live-in girlfriend and I were preparing for dinner when my phone rang.  It was an out-of-state number that I didn't recognize.

I answered.


"Hello?  Hello?" I asked repeatedly.

Then, "Doug."

A vaguely familiar woman's voice.  I cycled through the potentials.  A relative?  A long-lost friend?

"Who's calling?" I asked.

"I'm back here, Doug.  I just had to call you.  I'm back.  Here."

I had a dinner to prepare and a girlfriend to do.  "I'm glad to hear it.  You're going to have to identify yourself, or I'm going to have to hang up."

"Doug, just give me a minute."

"Who is this?"


I hung up.  A little freaky, but I assumed that it was a friend, messing around.  Then, my phone rang again.  Same number.

I answered.  "Who is this?"

"You know who this is."

"I don't."

"You forgot me?"

I jettisoned "relative" and "long-lost friend" and replaced them with "insane asylum inmate" or "jilted former lover."

I said, "You'll have to tell me who you are, or I'm hanging up and not picking up again."

"It's okay.  I can leave messages on your phone all night.  A fitting way to commemorate what I can't believe you don't remember."

"Give me a hint.  Where are you?"

"The mall."

"And how long has it been?"

A pause.  Then, "Ten years today.  Happy anniversary."

Oh, I remembered, all right.  It was Shelly, my first college girlfriend.  We lost our virginity to each other.  She was clingy as all hell and ended up being crazy as sin.

Once, I was at an airport, going away to see some relatives, and she called me, swearing up and down that there was an emergency.  I left the airport to drive back to her place, missing my flight, and found out that the emergency was that she had wanted to give me one more parting kiss.

I broke up with her over that.

I wasn't sure what the significance of the mall was.  We had sex for the first time in my dorm room.  Our first kiss had been in a parking lot.  I just couldn't remember that.

Recalling all of these things (and more) in a fraction of a moment, I replied the only thing that I could, given the circumstances.

"I'm sorry.  I think you have the wrong Doug."

I hung up and set the phone on silent.  She called back five times, leaving messages four out of those five.  I deleted each without listening.  She hasn't called back since.



  1. I guess the name of this site should be abadcaseofthenondates.. obsessive/potential stalkers aren't cool though, not sure if it's men or women who are worse & potentially more dangerous.


  2. I bet she'd be down with a threesome.

    Sucks people don't post about dates anymore.

  3. Wow, we sure dodged a non-date bull- AcK-!!!
    * *
    * * *
    * * * * *
    --~--~--~--~--~--~----- ~==>
    * * * * *
    * * * *
    * * *
    * *

  4. LOVE Cluracan's artwork and Architect's alternate ending. I was definitely waiting for A Bad Case of the Open Window Blinds and was let down.

    I don't even care that this wasn't a date. I'm just happy to know that his stalker ex is crazier than all of mine put together.

  5. ^I was thinking about it. LOL.

    "and as I was trying to deduce who the caller was, some guy outside my window yelled,

    "William, tell him how you have AIDS! You're still my boyfriend!"

    Like Clint Howard and Sam Raim's yellow car, maybe I should have "AIDS Ex" pop up in all my features! Oh if only "Hee-Haw" was still around....

  6. But where is the freaking date in this? It is turning into abadcaseofthecreeps. Not good.

  7. Hope you at least had a nice night with your current GF

  8. I guess a lot of girls remember the day they lost their virginity. May 2nd, 1996.
    On May 2nd, 2006 - I probably commemorated the day by just being happy sex isn't awkward, fumbling and nervous anymore. I think the guy I lost it to is gay now anyways.

    Cheers to your 10 month anniversary of finally getting it over with being story worthy. Thumbs up.

  9. I have to give his crazy-ex some room, he was the man she lost her virginity too. Some girls do get very clingy. On the other hand to just call you like that, you better watch your back OP.

  10. Yikes. Creepy story. I'd change my phone number after that, and maybe my name as well.

    And people, please get the fuck over your "BadCaseoftheLiterals". If glad you are endlessly entertained by retelling the same "...his breath was terrible/she expected me to pay for dinner" stories over and over with minor variations, but we've already heard them all. If you can just open your minds there are so many other stories of angst and humiliation to be enjoyed and uplifted by.

    Thank you.

  11. er, "I'm", not "If".

    blech. :(

  12. Do girls really remember the date they lost their virginity? I don't think guys do that. I mean, I could probably think about it and get the month and year right, but trying to figure out the exact day would be an absolute guess.

  13. sounds like my ex girlfriend she send me a friends request last night for the 4 time since this year started lucky you broke up whit that crazy

  14. Seven-Thirty8/19/2010 3:27 PM

    Mastiff is right. Who cares as long as we get a good story?

  15. July 12, 2001. The summer before I went to college, and three days after my 18th birthday. We were in the upstairs guest room of the place I was house-sitting in. I remember thinking "Jesus, I hope the kids next door don't see/hear us through this open window." Afterward, I took a shower and called my best friend at work to tell her that I was finally a woman.

    The guy was a Rastafarian at the time; he broke up with me because I asked him to stop smoking weed with his friends when he and I already had plans...like on our anniversary. He's a Communist now, working with the Young Communist League. (I use "work" loosely, since he's not being paid.) His cat's name is Chairman Meow.

  16. Doug... oh, Doug...

  17. Christian, I'm sorry but after 10 years you are not talking sentiment, you are talking diseased.

  18. Don't remember the day. I know it had to be sometime in late December/early January, though, because it was during my boyfriend-at-the-time's winter break from college. Guess I'm just not one of those nostalgic chicks.

  19. I like the alt ending by the Architect.

    BTW OP - as IF you didn't listen to the messages. Nobody can delete them without listening. It's impossible.


  21. As a guy, I don't remember the date I lost my virginity, but I do remember it. It was in some guy's truck in the back of a church parking lot. He was quite well endowed, and I was ambitious. He was too big for me, and when it wouldn't work (too big), he wanted me to suck him off instead. I started to try, but lube tasted disgusting at the time (I don't mind it now...), so I told him no. He got all pissed off and sorta yelled at me "Are you even gay?!", so I left. He was married to another guy, and I felt awful for being the one he was cheating on his husband with. So I slept with his husband a few weeks later. It didn't work to make me feel better about myself, but I've been sleeping with as many guys as possible since then in hopes that one day I'll feel better about it. Instead, I feel mostly apathy. Oh, and orgasms. :-)

  22. Wow 10:18 thats all I have to say...

  23. Does it really hurt women the first time? I suppose different people have different experiences.

    As a guy I can report that I lost my virginity after drinking beer and eating qualudes to the fat girl who lived next to me freshman year. I was repulsed by her but knew she would. It was not romantic.

    She told the graduate assistant living on our corridor about her expoit. So I got to sleep with her next.

  24. Seven-Thirty8/20/2010 3:31 AM

    In Sweden the national family planning lobby has an information campaign going to inform the public that there is no such thing as a hymen. The word hymen in Swedish includes the word membrane.

    The reason for this is to combat the idea that a man can know whether a woman is a virgn on her wedding night. There are many Muslim immigrants and some young women who have had sex want doctors to reconstruct the hymen to restore "virtue".

  25. I like this story! Even though Doug admits she was nuts anyway, sometimes it takes the crazy time to brew.

    oh, and Feb 14th 1998, my friend's 18th. One nighter with a guy at the party. Sightly Painful, relatively forgettable (even though I appear to remember) and remarkably public...

  26. Christian: Sounds like that's all 10:18 had to say too. Besides, "gugghgghgh!"

    Seven-Thirty: Wow. I had heard about that. Instead of passing a law to say a hymen doesn't exist, why not a law that God doesn't exist then no one has to worry about offending him!

    Next law will be there's no be-hymen.

  27. 5:02: Um, yeah, you can delete messages without listening. As it says, "First/second/etc Message" there's a pause before it starts, just press the delete message. Some companies let you skip to the next without listening or can delete all. Sorry Encyclopedia Brown, the case, unlike Seven-Thirty's hymen, is still uncracked!

  28. Seven-Thirty8/20/2010 4:20 PM

    Has anybody read the Wikipedia entry on ABCOD?

  29. THERE'S A WIKIPEDIA ENTRY?!?!?!? *scampers off to read it*


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