The 19th Century Called. It Misses You.

Submitted by Allie:

I attended a very small liberal arts school where the dating pool was very, very limited. At the time, I had only ever been in relationships with guys I had met through school so I felt weird about meeting people in bars and going online seemed like a good alternative to what I perceived as my only other option.

Within a week of creating my profile, I received a very articulate and interesting message from Ben, a Ph.D. student at a much larger, neighboring university. We messaged back and forth for several weeks until I finally felt comfortable enough to meet.

He didn't have a car, so I agreed to drive the 20 minutes to his school instead of asking him to take the train to meet me. He was somewhat of an environmental activist and he seemed put off that I wasn't going to use public transportation to get to our date.  I explained that I needed to pick a friend up at the airport later and therefore, preferred to drive. That seemed to settle the matter... or so I thought.

I met him about two blocks away from the cafe where we had decided to go. When he first approached me, I mistook him for a homeless person. He wore a hoodie that was quite literally falling apart and jeans that looked as though they had been washed in a mud bath. He hadn't necessarily been dishonest about his appearance... just his cleanliness, I suppose.

He briefly said hello and then walked into the cafe ahead of me and pushed the heavy swinging door so hard that it hit me on the knee as I approached it.  I don't have any expectations about doors being held open for me, but getting nailed by a door because someone doesn't even have the courtesy to extend the handle to you is another matter entirely.

I sat down at the table he had selected where he promptly told me that I "wasn't very athletic." I glared at him and pointed out that I was wearing heels which made it difficult to keep up to which he replied, "Oh, so you enjoy being part of the sexual second class?"

I was beyond annoyed at this point but before I could retort, a waitress came by to take our order. He ordered a quiche and a sugary coffee drink. I decided to stick with black coffee and get out as quickly as possible.

As soon as the waitress left, he launched into a technical analysis of an experiment on which he was working. I listened as intently as I could, but became a bit despondent around the half hour mark. At that point he had allowed me all of ten words in the conversation. Even worse, he was sporting a giant whipped cream mustache for his entire speech. As the whipped cream wobbled around on his upper lip all I could think was, "Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole."

He finally stopped his rambling long enough to inform me that I was "a worse listener than his grad students" and "not very smart."

I replied, "I was under the impression that this was a date, not a lecture," put down some cash on the table for my coffee and got up to leave. My chair was back up against the wall and his was out toward the restaurant so as I began to walk away he put his leg out to block me.

He said, "I'm not finished talking.  You're being rude."

I said, "We have nothing in common.  I want to leave, and I need to use the bathroom."

He became more aggressive and I sat back down out of fear. He then began talking about me... more specifically, everything that was wrong with me. He started out by saying that my skin was darker than he had expected it to be and said that he thought that tanning was disgusting. I explained that my skin tone wasn't the result of tanning but of my mother being American Indian. He rolled his eyes and chuckled at this.

Then he began to dig into his quiche... without a fork. He picked out the eggy part in the middle and managed to get it all over the front of his shirt, in his hair and on the table in the process.

I flagged down the waitress for the check and thew some cash on the table which he shoved back at me insisting that he would pay. He handed the waitress his card.  By now I had to pee so badly that I felt like I was about to burst. I again tried to excuse myself to the restroom and he again became aggressive and blocked me with his foot.

A few minutes later, the waitress returned with his credit card which had (surprise!) been declined. I handed her a twenty and plotted my escape. He got up and insisted on walking me back to my car. I declined and told him that I was going to the restroom and that afterward I would walk to my car alone. He grabbed my wrist and attempted to drag me out of the restaurant.

The hostess intervened and told him that she would call the police if he didn't leave immediately. He smirked and then left.

I ended up staying at the restaurant for a bit longer to make sure that he wasn't lurking outside. Our waitress offered to drive me to my car to ensure that he wouldn't follow me on foot and I accepted.

Later that evening while I was out with friends I received a text from him letting me know that I wasn't his type and that I shouldn't call him.

This happened three years ago. I've checked the dating site again recently and he's still on it! Beware. He's still out there!


  1. ^I remember hearing about a site where you can post/read warnings about specific people. I'm not sure if it still exists but it caused quite a stir when it launched a few years ago.

  2. Seven-Thirty8/20/2010 10:01 AM

    Political fanaticism is often a cover for personality disorders/problems, as the fanatic has a ready pretext for disliking entire groups of people.

  3. This particular date pains me so much because it really hits close to home, once upon a time I was like Ben.. well I mean minus the misogyny, narcissism, uncleanliness, temper, aggression, obvious control(ling) issues, condescending tone & all around complete asshole but I did briefly say hello to someone & then walk into a café.

    This is a terrible bad date story, or is it good bad date story.. it was a really bad date, Ben's an asshole of a tool & I pray he gets his ass handed to him a female MMA Fighter.

    -Baku Chan-

  4. Here's one of those websites: http://www.liarscheatsandbastards.com/

    But honestly one wonders how much it may be used maliciously ...

  5. 10:55: Won't work, he's pure dick and no balls.

    OP you should have snapped his knee with a stomp. Sure it might be considered malicious wounding, but as an "environmentalist" he would appreciate it since a trapped animal will sometimes remove another's leg to get free. Perhaps he'd have a chuckle in between the screams.

  6. Did this guy go to JHU?

  7. OP here.

    @12:21--No he didn't go to Johns Hopkins. This happened in Northern CA.

    This post has actually been edited because I sent in a sort of long rambling letter. So, @Sawyer86 he said hello 2 blocks from the cafe, then turned and started practically sprinting there so I was running to keep up the whole way. I also happened to be wearing a skirt and he told me that if it was for "easy access" I was out of luck because he wouldn't have sex on the first date. Classy.

    I did flag his profile but since he didn't really do anything ON the site (abusive emails or IMs, etc) it wasn't enough for the admins to block him. Also, he's on OKCupid so other users can give him awards and he has a bunch from people who supposedly know him in real life. Oh well... hopefully he hasn't been on that many dates since 2007.

  8. He sounds like a complete douche-nozzle.

    You really dodged a pap smear there!

  9. Stupid hostess. I hate when someone effs the story up.

  10. Cripes. And to think all my female coworkers and friends always asked "Why on earth would you want to learn Thai boxing?" when I started up last fall. I really think everyone should learn at least some basic self-defense and pressure point techniques instead of just believing they won't end up in a crappy situation.

    This could have ended really badly. I'm glad you got out of it okay.

  11. I swear I went on a date with this exact guy! Brilliant, PhD, former hedgefund manager now oddly unkempt, and could talk on and on about only one subject. Didn't ask a thing about me and would interrupt himself only to blurt out really inappropriate things regarding my appearance and sex.

    I've come to realize that he almost certainly has Aspergers. I'll bet your date did too. We both dodged a bullet.

  12. OP, I know this was early on in your life, but never sit back down out of fear! You should have left the moment you felt uncomfortable. Half of this story should have never happened.

  13. Sawyer86 - I assume that that is what you thought I was going to say?

    Anyway, I will agree he was an ass and extremely rude, not to mention a serious control freak, and I do wish the waitress had called the police so he could've gotten his ass handed to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he turned out to be abusive. OP, you definitely should have left the first time. Obeying him and sitting back down only showed him that he would be able to intimidate and control you. If you felt afraid, you should have called someone to come get you.

  14. OP here again.

    To the people who said I should have left ASAP, I did try but he was literally physically blocking me. So my options were to get into a physical confrontation with this guy or remain in a very public place and make sure I didn't leave with him. I was in a crowded restaurant and I knew I was safe there. I sure as hell wasn't going to go anywhere with. If the hostess hadn't intervened, I would have made a scene. I have found that it's best not to provoke angry narcissists but that's just me.

  15. Your fault, OP!

  16. ^^^ I would rather have made a scene or called someone than let some asshole tell me what to do, inform me of my failings, and make me sit there until my bladder exploded, but that's just me.

    Anon 7:01 - Yeah, I hate it when people read about a talkative person who says inappropriate things and decide they MUST have Asperger's. Some people are just assholes who like to hear themselves talk.

  17. Stop blaming rude/inappropriate/bizarre/dickish behavior on Asperger's. I have a friend with Asperger's and he's one of the most polite people I know, who if he gets going on a tangent that no one cares about only needs a gentle reprimand and stops immediately. Asperger's isn't a life sentence of socially inept behavior. Even those with it can learn to read social cues and encourage friends to point things out to them when they're not picking up on it. So saying, "He's an Aspie" isn't an excuse.

  18. A lesson many young women REALLY need to learn is, not to take abuse from bullies simply because you don't want to "create a scene" in public. It's partly a matter of self-respect and partly a matter of sheer survival. Had you put this guy in his place, with the willing assistance of every single human around you, you wouldn't be fearfully checking your dating site for his profile three years later.

  19. Enough with the Aspergers - this guy (and any like him) are just assholes! I really felt for the OP, as this was a horrible situation and she was smart enough not to leave the restaurant with him (good for her!).

  20. Seven-Thirty8/21/2010 5:13 AM

    2:01, How dare you mention Asperger's on this website. Crazy, asshole and douche are OK. Refrain from pseudo-medical pretense. Please read the FAQ on acceptable terminology.

    I like 8:04's approach, give a "gentle reprimand" to people who are out of order, and if that fails, take the Sawyer86 tact: triangle choke hold.

  21. Sounds like you were the bad date here OP.

  22. ^ Only because OP has Aspergers.

  23. Pool's closed. Due to Aspergers.

  24. One of the best stories on this sight. What a psycho- good job getting out of there. Definitely a bad, potentially dangerous date.

  25. People upset about the Asperger's comment: I feel as though I should take some of the blame. I rallied against Seven-Thirty and some others on another thread about their overuse of the Asperger's excuse, and I think it started a new meme, in the vein of dodging bullets and dating fat bitches. Something new to ignore, I suppose.

    OP, I'm glad you came out of it okay and had the help of the waitress and the hostess, who were probably watching the whole scene and waiting on a cue from you to step in. While making a scene/judo chopping him was certainly an option, you're right that staying in the crowded, public place and being escorted by a safe, neutral party was in your best interests.

  26. OP you dodged an Asberger's Bullet. Too bad it didn't understand your avoidance.

  27. There is so much that's wrong with this date, it's hard for me to begin. Okay, let's start with the most basic of basic.


    If your date arrives in a state of poor hygene do yourself a favor and cut the date right then and there. Make up an excuse. Something along the lines of, "on my way over here my boss called me into work. I was going to just call, but I felt I owed you a personal explanation. I'm sorry and I understand if you don't want to rescedual." And then get the heck out of there.

    Hygene is the most basic of rules, not just for dating, but for every aspect of life. Someone who willingly forgoes hygene is showing a textbook sign they are not in touch with reality.

    No one wants to play with the stinky kid. This is so elementary it's completely unforgivable.

    Now, I'm not saying accidents don't happen. I've had mud (and much worse) splattered on me on my way to many different appointments. The ONLY option you have is to explain, appologise, and rescedual if possible.

    Next, let's discuss his income. I bring this up because it's a direct connection to his lifestyle and attitude.

    He's not an enviromentalist. He's not a PhD. He's a bum who needs a shower and a job. He's not upset with you for driving when taking public transportation would be better for the enviroment, he's upset because he can't afford a car and he's trying to compinsate for this by attempting to make you feel bad for your ability.

    It's like this, no one wants lice, but those that can't afford the shampoo to get rid of it make up some story about how they view lice as a beloved life form. It's complete bs.

    You were taken by a bum. He wanted a free lunch. Don't feel bad, it happeneds. You really should think about stepping up your expectations though. For example, insisting on people showering.

  28. OP - OMG he probably has a bunch of fake accounts just to give himself *Stars* or badges, he's probably just pretending it's people who know him in real life.. He's definitly a tool and that's why he's still single. narcissist at it's best. I really hope you emailed him back and told him off, you should of suggested therapy and meds.

  29. Oh yeah and to the dude who said it could be aspergers. Please pick up a medical book and then study it hard. And then when you have that down, Go to some mental health websites and study the mindset of people like the OP bad date.. I'm still trying to figure how you came up with Aspergers syndrome. LMAO.


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