Submitted by Cynthia:
Joseph wrote me a message online, the gist of it being, "You're really pretty and I'd love to show you a good time."
This was an average sort of message, so I ignored him and figured that he'd just go away, off to impress someone else with his terrific offer.
A few days later, he wrote me again. "Sorry about that. My stupid brother and I share an account and he sends out messages like that to piss me off. Sorry."
Thanks for the apology. Have a good one. I figured that such words would be implied by my not writing back.
A couple of days later, this gem: "Hey. I just wanted to make sure that you got my apology. Also, want to hang out sometime?"
I ignored it, hoping that my lack of response would be taken as a no.
Soon after, "Did you or did you not get my apology? This is really bothering me. I'm really, really sorry."
I didn't reply. The next day: "There's really no reason for you to be so nasty. You're making it extremely difficult for me to be nice. Did you or did you not get my apology? Yes/no?"
I didn't respond. The amount of calories it would have taken to write either yes or no could've been better spent on doing other things, like not writing yes or no to some online weirdo.
No new messages for over a week. Hopefully, he had forgotten about me.
Nope. A new message arrived: "It's women like you who ruin it for everyone. I can't imagine what I might have done to deserve this treatment, but you not accepting my apology has gotten me so upset, it's kept me up nights. That's the honest truth. Now I feel like you're the one who should apologize to me. I await your apology. Please don't delay."
I ignored this message, and a day later, he wrote, "I've contacted the site administrators to ban your account. Sorry. I just don't think that someone like you should be on here."
This prompted me to write a message, but not to Joseph. To the site administrators. I forwarded them all of his messages.
His profile vanished less than a day later.
Yeah, you could have just said, "Yes, I got your message. No, I'm not interested." No one likes to be ignored. Even if he obviously went overboard, it doesn't hurt to treat people with a bit of civility.
ReplyDeleteLOL. Yes, the guy should've just left things alone after the OP was rude and didn't reply. With that being said, I absolutely love how people think it's perfectly acceptable to not give the courtesy of a reply. It would've taken all of about 10 seconds. The OP is a piece of work!!
ReplyDeleteSo, basically, someone seemed interested in you online, and you saw them as nothing more than dirt on your shoe? Get off your high horse lady, it would have taken maybe two seconds to say "Sorry, I'm not interested" and be done with it.
ReplyDeleteWhy the hell does she owe him a reply AT ALL? Its like my cell phone. Just cause I have it, and you call me, doesnt mean I have to pick up.
ReplyDeleteSo with you, Poster. Dont even OPEN the door to that case of insanity....
2:06, if you're walking down the street and someone says hello to you, do you simply ignore them? After all, you don't owe them a reply!! She took the time (and wasted the calories) reading all of his E-mails; but, couldn't be bothered to reply. She must have been raised by a pack of wolves!!
ReplyDeleteNormally I would have agreed with the OP on that this guy didn't deserve any attention and was worth ignoring, but the fact that she submitted this story to this site means that she finds an "undesirable" messaging her to be a contemptible and complaint worthy experience.
ReplyDeleteAs if it had caused her severe emotional distress.
What a bitch.
*gasp* His brother sent you a compliment that you found average and then he tried to apologize to you? Wow, what a monster he is!
ReplyDeleteTrue, he should have given up, but you didn't have to keep ignoring him like a bitch. Give him a simple, "Yes, I received your apology. Sorry, but I'm not interested." Would've taken about five seconds.
Aside from your personal shortcomings...
ReplyDeleteHow is this a date?
Not replying may be rude, but anyone who's ever been stalked before knows that the best thing is to do is not reply. It gives them hope and reassures them that you're getting the message, that you care somewhat, and from there it's not that hard to get constantly bombarded with messages or worse. I'm just saying, there's a reason not to respond if the guy seems a bit on the crazy side.
ReplyDeleteCereja, I can definitely see your point; however, more than likely, she wouldn't have received E-mails beyond the initial one had she responded. And IF she received harrassing E-mails after saying "thanks, but no thanks", THEN she could've went to the site adminstrators (which she ended up doing anyway).
ReplyDeleteStalking SHOULDN'T happen on a dating website unless you are foolish enough to give out personal info (last name, your address, personal E-mail) on that site.
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
ReplyDeletegot out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be gray,
put your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..
Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I get that the first message didn't tickle your fancy & that the subsequent messages were (for lack of other options) likely attempts to establish dialogue with you & that you were in no way expected to respond..
ReplyDelete.. what irks me though is that you couldn't take time to humour him with a simple 'not interested' or 'fuck off' yet you read & kept his messages, wrote the site administrators, took time to write this farce of a non-date, submitted it & I read it.. you kind of come off as a sniveling shallow pompous sow.
.. that aside you probably dodged an emotionally weak, desperate bullet considering how it affected him 'it's kept me up nights', seriously?..
I do agree that sending multiple messages was a little much, but he was just trying to be polite. I usually hate when people call the OP a bitch for one little thing, but this OP does really sound like a bitch. A polite reply was all that was necessary, and the guy probably would have left her alone.
ReplyDelete@ Sawyer86, lol. Stan by Eminem. That you mentioned it the guy's attempts do remind me of that song.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, yeah, right, 7:11 PM. We ALL believe you. You're so hot that it is just exhausting to say "Hello" to people who greet you.
ReplyDelete@7:11 You should consider yourself to be truly blessed to be an attractive woman; but,you shouldn't take that for granted. An attractive woman can get away with being a jerk while she has her looks; but, if she doesn't work on her personality, she often ends up middle-aged and wondering: "why can't I find a nice man?"
ReplyDeleteListen, kids. The OP has NO OBLIGATION to respond to a text message from a stranger. NONE WHATSOEVER. You boys who think that she does, get this; WOMEN OWE YOU NOTHING. (The reverse is true also, of course.) The fact that this fruitcake continued his messaging with more and more hostility and eventually tried to get her removed shows that he was nuts and she did exactly the right thing.
ReplyDeleteI think I actually know this guy. Or someone similarly crazy. This guy should have just forgotten about it and got on with his life. While it is polite to acknowledge his apology, she doesn't owe him anything. Chances are, if she had replied, he wouldn't have accepted easily that she wasn't interested. I think OP was justified in choosing not to reply. Oh and I like the comparison with Stan.
ReplyDeleteAnd furthermore, @7:11 is exactly right. Just because you find a woman attractive doesn't mean that she owes you anything, and a genuinely attractive woman is often pursued to the point of harassment and beyond.
ReplyDeletei can agree with some of the comments here. i, myself, have had men message me on dating sites that i was not interested in. a simple "i appreciate your interest, but, i'm not interested" almost always does the trick..i've even had men reply and thank me for being nice about it. no, no one OWES anyone anything (even a reply), but, if you think about it, if you message someone, don't you think it nice of them to reply? NOBODY likes to be ignored, and common ettiquete and courtesy would have been in order..agreeing with 4:20, if harrassment ensued, THEN contact the administrators at that point. and you wonder why you were alone and on a dating site to begin with...hmmmm....
ReplyDeleteHow did this get past moderation? it's boring and not even a date. Allow me to borrow your phrase:
ReplyDeleteThe amount of calories it would have taken to write this story could've been better spent on doing other things, like not writing tedious stories to some online weirdos
So let me get this straight. This guy first sent a completely unimaginative message, then blamed it on his brother -- and let me digress a little here by pointing out that there seems to be a fuckload of brothers, roommates, asshole friends and other assorted people who turn out to be behind stupid messages when they don't get the desired response -- and then engaged in increasingly obsessive, manipulative (clumsily manipulative, sure, but still) and stalker-like behavior, and she's the bad guy here? She's under some kind of an obligation to talk to this guy and hope that it doesn't lead to further messages from him? Does this strike you as the kind of a guy who wouldn't feel the urge to keep talking to her and then get upset all over again?
ReplyDeleteThat said, true, this wasn't a date, and I absolutely agree that it's a horrible affront to us all that we get a story that's closely related to dating but not actually about a date. We have been betrayed and should get a refund, but we can't, because we'll never get the precious seconds of our lives we wasted on this back. If only it wasn't for this bullshit, we would've spent them on something extremely worthwhile and enriching! Our lives have been diminished by this crime against humanity.
On the plus side, our sense of entitlement is very attractive.
6:56; How is this story "closely related to dating"? sending someone a message is not a date, nor was it told to be on a dating website, just a message online, lots of people get random messages on facebook for instance.
ReplyDeleteYour sarcasm (while being very attractive) misses the point, I'm not raging for my precious seconds back, merely pointing out that this story does not belong on a website dedicated to bad dates.
This story isn't dating related at all, but I think it shows something more interesting about the commenter's perception of what's required from someone.
ReplyDeleteThe OP has NO OBLIGATION whatsoever to respond. She probably got the "this person is....off" vibe and did the smart thing and not reply. She was right too, the guy is crazy.
I don't understand anyone comparing this to a stranger on the street saying hello to you. It's more like responding to a homeless person asking for money. Once you give someone a response, any response, they keep pushing to try and get more out of you because you've shown them that you're too nice or polite to tell them to fuck off.
It's the internet, most of these guys are shooting messages off into the ether and just about every girl's profile they see. A lot of my lady friends have complained about some guys who send out the exact same message to multiple girls (they are friends IRL on the site and compared the messages they got) at a time then barrage them with messages even after no response.
AND! The douche probably sent the original message thinking he'd get a response back like, "OMGZ! You want to show me a good time! Oh yes please I can't wait for you to break in my behymen!"
ReplyDeleteBecause he didn't, he decided to try the other route. He's so full of shit his eyes are browning over!
What's really funny is that if OP had been on vacation for a month and had really not checked her messages, she would have come back to this huge stream of increasingly crazy. Our society is now built on instant gratification and constant availability.
ReplyDeletewhy couldn't you have just responded to him within the first two or three messages just saying that it was ok? yea he was being annoying but it seemed like he just wanted to make sure everything was ok and he would have left you alone.
ReplyDeleteit's not like he was stalking you. he went a little too far and he was being a little weird but your actions (or no actions) caused the issue to escalate.
^Really? SHE caused it to escalate?
ReplyDeleteJesus Christ folks SHE. DIDN'T. EVEN. SAY ANYTHING! She didn't respond, she didn't lead him on, she didn't know him, she never had prior contact, no winks, nudges, pokes, alerts, smoke signals, morse code, beeps, buzzes, hits, points, jerks, not jerks, chicken innards, knocks, NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!!
And SHE ESCALATED THIS?!!?
JesusChristJerkingJohnLennon! This makes you people sound like bullyish stalkers laying in wait!
No one is sitting on the other side of the computer screen waiting for whatever great wisdom of fornication and verbal wit you think you have to share!
Except me for Gulliver. I'm straight but he makes me want to put on a small rice paddy hat and a biiig fatsuit for some "Hey GI! Too booku!"
All of a sudden, this non-response escalates to the OP being called a bitch, "so nasty", and then some weak-sauce middle school "yes/no" like it's a goddamn note and she's being asked to "go steady".
He had no nice intentions, he wanted to get laid. Then his ego was hurt when his bad cop/good cop routine didn't make her spread like butter so then it became about making her feel guilty, then punishment. That formula probably applies to other facets of his life too.
I'd say she dodged a stray bullet but she couldn't! All she could do was stay silent to not give away her position!
Why are you registered with that site if you aren't interested in meeting people? If I were you, I would be ashamed to post this "bad date" because the only person it makes look bad is YOU! Really bad!
ReplyDelete@ 10:19: That was a very well thought-out and articulated post. I agree with you wholeheartedly!!
ReplyDelete@ Cluracan13: You appear to operate under the assumption that any guy that is not interesting to you would be comparable to the homeless man. Sure, there are some weirdos out there; but, I'd like to believe there are more well-adjusted people than weirdos out there.
The bottom line is that nobody is obligated to reply to anyone. In much the same manner, nobody is required to go through their day being nice to people. It's not against the law to act like an ass- and make no mistake about it: to ignore every message from people that don't interest you is to act like an ass!!
I assume it was on a dating site, so the OP was advertising her availability for interested males.
ReplyDeleteSo, as opposed to walking down the street, drinking in bar, etc. she is *asking* to be propositioned. Therefore, a simple answer would be a minimum courtesy.
That said, he's obviously also somewhat of a twat. Maybe they could have got along better than she thought.
Cluracan13 is very sensitive.
ReplyDeleteI agree that she didn't need to respond to this guy, posting the story here shows that the OP did respond, negatively.
The basic argument is that the OP thinks this story is immensely important, counts as a date, and that she is just an all-around-great person and victim of a situation.
The basic problem of writing people off based on their looks and profile is that you're being completely superficial. You can't get an "off" vibe from the first three messages the OP posted here. You get that vibe from looking at his picture.
OP is a bitch.
^That's the lamest excuse ever and also exactly the one used on me once by a guy. It's also a perfect example of how some people are just blindly pursuing people.
ReplyDeleteLong story short: Dude sent me a message. Profile said he's straight, I'm straight, figured he "misdialed" or was just trolling. I didn't respond. He kept messaging me. I said "Thanks but no interested." Him: "Why be here if you're not trying to meet people!" "Me: I'm a dude and straight!" Never heard back. He never even read my stuff or looked at any pics or anything.
At least if he was gay I'd be flattered for his excellent taste in Asian Beef.
11:34: I wasn't referring to you in the above comment. That was meant for 11:20.
ReplyDeleteI agree, posting the story here doesn't count as a bad date, it's actually pretty lame. If it had gone further into "Swingers" territory then perhaps it'd be amusing.
As for getting an "off" vibe, I think you can get that vibe from his first two messages.
Writing someone off from their pic and profile is a bit superficial, but it's also based on the info they put there to show similarities. How else is one to sift through everything without dedicating large equal amounts of time to everyone who pursues you, even slightly?
11:25: I'm not comparing someone who propositions you to a homeless person. I mean that for some people, you give an inch and they take a mile. I give to homeless people, but some you give them a cigarette or change then they follow you for a while trying to get more.
ReplyDelete11:34: I'm only very sensitive because your mom's anus hasn't been sandblasted. Her anal callouses feel like I'm fucking a tiger shark. It's like a pedicure for my dick.
Married: She's asking to be propositioned but she's not obligated to respond. She probably gets a plethora of messages from people simply for being female. Also, the first two messages had a shady vibe to it. And we know I'm right because obviously he went nuts!
A show of hands, how many of you all are male who feels the OP is a bitch and should have responded. How many are female?
Cluracan, This is 4:20 and 11:25. I am male, and years ago when I was doing online dating, this really annoyed me. When it happen I would move on though. I figured that it reflected much more on them and their character than on me. That being said, I stand by my feeling that dating (either online or IRL) would be much easier if people showed each other consideration.
ReplyDelete^I agree. Too few show enough consideration to each other. Perhaps if we did, people like him wouldn't have to push so hard for "retribution" or she wouldn't have to be cautious. Unfortunately, people are crazy. Sometimes it's just better not to draw their attention and avoid eye contact so to speak.
ReplyDeleteIf he had started off with "I see we both like Interpol and petting ducks, Interpol's having a benefit show to save ducks that need to be petted. I love ducks!"
That's one thing, if she gave him the brush off, whatever, she could have at least said something polite. It WOULD be the right thing to do.
He didn't start off with that and so it taints (hehe) everything further from him.
This guy reacted this way over nothing. Imagine if he had some perceived fodder to work with? I've known people who tried the thanks but no thanks route and the guy was an ass about it to the point of showing up at the bars she frequented trying to tell her why she's wrong to brush him off because he's so awesome and doesn't understand why she won't see it. This city isn't that big and for certain scenes there's only a few places to choose from and he could tell from the pics where she goes.
Granted, those are all extremes. You could have just as much trouble with co-workers, parties, school, and any other IRL situation.
I agree with 11:19. It was a very well-thought-out and inspirational comment. It reads like poetry, and feels like a dribble of trailing vomit gleaming off of my lip from the herculean hangover I suffer from on a nightly basis. This is, of course, before my father beats me and has his way with my sinful hidey-hole for Daddy's utensil.
ReplyDelete"Cunt." It's like magic...
So the OP is a bit bitchy for not responding at all to the emails, but that doesn't justify the nutcase guy from continually emailing like a psycho stalker.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that the OP should be demonized for not responding to his increasingly Creepy emails. But...from what I have seen on dating sites (free & pay sites)there is a feature that gives you the option to Block someone. Yeah it's shitty to do to someone..but if she Really didn't want to talk to this guy she could have ended the contact then and there. There was not need to report him.
ReplyDeleteExcellent point 4:26!! That clinches it!! Although the OP didn't ask for the E-mails, all of this could've been easily avoided by simply blocking him. She's a drama-seeking bitch that should be ashamed of herself!!
ReplyDeleteHoly shit, Cluracan, step away from the computer, go outside, and take a few deep breaths, man. I've never seen you so worked up about a shitty non-date before. So people think she's a bitch. So people think the very least (literally...the very least) she could have done was sent a "GTFO not interested" message and blocked his account (can you block accounts on dating websites?). But seriously, do you have to go apeshit insane on abcotd trolls? Defend your every belief? Honey, there are better ways to spend your time.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm really shocked that no one has called Jared out as the one who "wasted everyone's time" by posting this story. J - are you really not receiving enough viable date stories to post on here? Because if that's true, I can just start making shit up for you.
His actions don't justify hers. Even if he had just sent the first 2 emails, she'd still be a bitch for not responding. When you're soliciting messages on a dating site, you have an obligation to respond to those messages.
ReplyDeleteHer attitude about the situation is undeniably bitchy as she obviously got off on writing this. That being said, she was under no obligation to repond to this guy. 99% of people would have moved on after the initial lack of response and the fact that he couldn't makes it clear he was bat-shit crazy.
ReplyDeleteRight here! Step right up! Get your OPISABITCH T-shirts! And new in this week, STOPFUCKINGTROLLING T-shirts! Don't miss them folks; they're going fast!
ReplyDeleteI WANT A STOP FUCKIN TROLLING tee-shirt for irony's sake! :D
ReplyDeleteThe real value in this site is watching men and women (boys and girls?) clash in the comments over every single detail related to dating (pre-dating included). It's like discussing a controversial piece of literature, seeing everyone's biases and tastes burst out of their every argument. There is much to be learned for everyone here from these stated expectations.
ReplyDeleteThat said: OP is definitely a bitch for not having blocked the obviously sheisty solicitor and for the self-righteous tone of the piece. The whole "calories" bit is just inexcusably self-masturbatory. But of course: nobody owes strangers a response on the internet no matter the forum, particularly strangers who are unquestioningly just hoping for an easy lay with stock tactics.
Pretty clear-cut, I'd say.
Nikki: Something about this got me really worked up. I agree that her writing this in is very lame and self-important and lame of Jared to include it.
ReplyDeleteI think more than anything I'm just shocked and very surprised at the amount of people who feel someone's obligated to respond to every message. For some maybe it's out of consideration, but I worry that the motive is a bit of misogyny and aggression.
Architect: If you have a "Treasurer of the Lt. J. Dangle Fan Club" I might be tempted to part with my sweaty greasy money.
@ Cluracan13 - I can do you one better! I have the T-shirt with "Treasurer of the Lt. J. Dangle Fan Club Get Your Dick Brown" special edition with "AZN PRIDE" emblazoned across the back! Don't lie, I know you want me to take your greasy money for this gem!
ReplyDeleteWow -- as a regular reader of ABCOTD, I was surprised to read this story and find 60 comments underneath. I couldn't imagine what about this story would have people so worked up (honestly, I thought the gay date story would've gotten more comments, not that there's anything wrong with it, but because people who do find something wrong with it usually have lots to say in the form of anonymous posts).
ReplyDeleteANYWAY... I was really surprised everyone found the OP to be a bitch!!! Really people???? I could tell IMMEDIATELY after the "oops my brother sent it" message that this guy was definitely lying, and it exhibits a character trait that is truly unappealing. And I don't think a date would have changed that. Really people -- there have been so many stories on this site that started with "he seemed a little odd online but I thought I'd give him a chance anyway, only to find out he's a bigger creep in person". AND THEN people comment saying how there were "red flags" online and "this date could have been avoided", etc etc. I don't know. I don't think you owe it to people to send an immediate reply. I often only check my messages once a week! Heaven forbid I don't say "thanks but no thanks" before buddy has lost sleep and planned his revenge on me. Get a fucking life!! BTW - no reply = not interested. Remember the 80s when all people could do is PHONE a person?? Remember what people would do when they didn't want to hang out? They would NOT CALL BACK. And all these people online saying OP is a bitch and she should have messaged back -- you can't tell me you've never done the same thing, via email, phone, not answering the door, etc. Do you all answer the door every time some religious group comes around to sell you on their religion and say "thanks but not interested"? I bet NO. I also bet the reason you don't answer the door is because THEY DON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE!!
I've never written such a long message but I think a lot of people on here have misplaced rage & expectations. Have you people sent out a lot of messages on dating sites and not gotten replies or something? Are you calling her a bitch because you think she's a bitch, or is it because you're still sore from not being replied to?
YIIIIIIIIKES. I heart the regular posters -- your quotes could be on t-shirts for sure! I want a "cuz ur fat... FAT BITCH!" t-shirt!
Biatch!
ReplyDelete3:20 - I think everyone who read this story knows there never was a brother and no one blames her for not wanting to date this guy. And I don't think she's a bitch for not replying; I think she's a bitch for being so smug about the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I know it's years later, but I just wanted to chime in even though no one will ever read this.
ReplyDelete1. She did not have an obligation to reply to him. She didn't have to and she is not a bitch for not replying.
2. If she had replied to him as crazy as he is that would not have dissuaded him, that would have fueled him on.
3. How is her sharing this story any different from the other people who have shared a story.
In conclusion, I don't really think she's a bitch and he was cray cray.