Keep Ahead of the Competition

Submitted by Neil:

Alana was freshly out of a long-term relationship and was slowly, carefully, testing the waters of online dating.  I found her profile, liked what I read, and thought her one of the prettiest girls with long brown hair who I had seen in a while.

She seemed sensitive, but receptive to meeting new people and seeing how things went.  She told me that I'd be the first guy she had been on a date with since her last boyfriend.  I promised her that I'd take things slow and let her set the pace.

She set the time and place for our date, a little mom and pop coffee shop on the main street, and I arrived early.  Then she showed up.

Remember that long brown hair I had mentioned?  Well, Alana showed up stark bald, and not just regular bald.  She showed up bald and sported a giant, dark blue, symbol-tattoo thing on top of her head.  It looked like a stylized letter M with claws sticking out of each of its prongs.  Wow.

I very nearly didn't recognize her when she stood next to me and introduced herself.  It took a moment to register who she was, and then of course I smiled and greeted her, although I was puzzled.

We ordered our drinks and sat down.  I asked her what was with the head tattoo.  She said that it was a symbol that her ex-boyfriend had created, and that she liked it.  She informed me that the design was temporary, like a henna tattoo.

"When did you apply it?" I asked.

She said, "A couple of days ago."

That's where the conversation ended, because at that moment, she looked towards the front door and stood up as a tall, weedy guy entered, sporting a trench coat and a vague mustache.

"There he is," she said, and stood up to meet him.

Of course, she must have planned this all out.  I watched from the table as she walked over to him.  He saw her, and I have to confess that I never want to see a look of horror cross a man's face the way that I saw one spill across this guy's.  He jumped back as she reached out to touch him, and he booked it out of the place.  That turned some heads.

Alana stood still for a moment, like she was trying to figure out her next move.  On one hand, there was me, a weirdo from the Internet.  On the other, there was the guy who had featured in all of her maniacal obsessions.

Of course, she followed him out.  Luckily, we had both already paid (separately) for our drinks.  I thought it only polite to wait for her, but I shouldn't have bothered.  She didn't come back.


  1. Seven-thirty7/07/2010 9:08 AM

    The weird thing about love is that people get fixated over particular individuals as if there were billions of alternative objects of desire.

  2. It sounds like you were the bad date here!!

  3. ^ I don't see many people agreeing with that... Oh Alana, is that you? *tsk* Pretty sneaky sis...

  4. uhhyeahdude? 9:13? How's life?

    OP? You are lucky to have been present to witness this. I only wish we had a pic of this awesome headwork.

  5. When I've arranged for my ex to see me on a date with my hair freshly shorn and my scalp decorated with a gigantic rendering of some idle doodle he once made on a cocktail napkin, it's worked like a charm. Threesome every time!

    But then, I do this on my nether-hair. Rookie mistake, Alana

  6. Oh man, I totally wish there could have been pictures to accompany this tale. Before and after. This is some spectacular, Matrix-level bullet dodging, my friend!

  7. Why would you make a date with Britney Spears...especially when you knew she wasn't over K Fed....You're bad.

  8. ^ Awesomesauce! But now I'm forced to admit that shaved, crazy BritBrit is the only version I found attractive. But, oh, did I. *shamefaced*

  9. Anyone wondering what that symbol looked like? I'm guessing Wu Tang symbol but make the "W" an "M". Go MooTang Clan! I think that was the name of that porno I watched last night with Fizziks in it ;-)

  10. It's nice that someone respects my dramaturgical bent. Alas, this recieved much poorer reviews than my first effort, a bildungsroman entitled 'Anne of Green Gashes'.

  11. I thought about Britney, too lol...

  12. I was imagining The Last Airbender.

  13. ^I am currently trying to drum up funds for my latest endeavor in cinema, 'The Last Queefbender'. Takers?

  14. I can't believe he waited for her to come back. He must be really hard up for female interaction of any kind.

  15. I would have waited too. She paid for her own drink, it would have been free entertainment.

  16. Pipe Dream: Same here! XD


  17. Great idea you have here. wish i was still dating. :D

  18. Short article about Fizziks:

    Hmmn I think I would have had to take a picture before I walked out on that chick. Although, it must have been priceless to see her ex get freaked out.

    "She seemed sensitive, but receptive to meeting new people and seeing how things went." - I would hope so being that she posted an ad on a dating website.

    "On one hand, there was me, a weirdo from the Internet." - Have a little self respect, I think you are confused as to who was the weirdo.

  19. Oh and Fizziks, several months ago I had read some articles and seen your regular postings... Now I stop back in and it's like you haven't missed a beat. Same to you Nikki. Funny thing happened to me, life. Don't get me wrong, some of the stories are entertaining. Maybe it's time to think about rehab for ABCotDs. Cheers!


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