How'd You Make it Home So Fast?

Submitted by Erik:

I commute from the suburbs into the city each weekday, and, as I've been doing it for some time, I've fallen into a bit of a groove.  I would sit on the same seat on the train every morning for probably close to a year.  There were even other "regulars" who I would greet almost each day.

One of these was Mallory.  She was very pretty and worked in an architect's office.  We'd exchange pleasantries, but never much else.  We were just train acquaintances, after all.

Around Christmastime, I was therefore surprised that she gave me a bottle of wine with a ribbon on it.  It was a touching gesture, and even more unexpected was her suggestion that we share it.  It was a Friday, and I suggested meeting up in the city after we were both done at work.

She picked an expensive place for dinner, but I was, stupidly, smitten with her, and I didn't think much of it at the moment.

She didn't say very much at dinner, despite my best attempts to make conversation.  I figured that she was shy, and was willing to forgive that.

After dinner, she suggested that we go back to her friend's place to share the wine.  The evening was potentially looking up.

We made it back to her friend's apartment.  No one else seemed to be home.  We opened the wine and then she started opening up a little.  For some reason or another, she started talking about her friend.  She told me how smart, fun, attractive, etc. her friend was.  It honestly felt as if she was setting me up.

All I could say to all of the friend's accolades was, "I hope to meet her, someday."

Mallory gave me a look and said, "My friend's Jason.  I think you guys would make a great match.  Want to meet him?  He's in his room."

I'm not gay.  Maybe I unknowingly give off the vibe, but the idea that the evening was just an excuse to liquor me up and set me up with another dude... no.  Not my thing.

I told Mallory that I wasn't into guys, and that I had thought that the evening was a date between myself and her.

"Why would you think that?" she asked, "I have a boyfriend!"

It would have been nice to know this going in, but she wasn't done.  "Just meet Jason!" as if me meeting him would be enough to change my orientation.

She knocked on Jason's door.  No answer.  She knocked again.  Nothing.  She pulled out her phone, called him up.

"I'm going to go, I think," I said, standing up.

"Don't!" she said, "I'll get him here.  He'd love a guy like you.  Just meet him!  Don't worry!"

Oh, I was worried, all right.  We had drank most of a bottle of wine between the two of us, but my sober-emergency-backup-generator kicked in, and I stumbled out.

"Wait!" she yelled, "Wait!  He's on his way!"

But I was long, long gone.


  1. Too bad; many gay guys give amazing head.

  2. Hahahaha! Why did she insist on you taking her out to an expensive restaurant if she was just trying to set you up with her gay best friend? Is that, like, her "finder's fee"?

    Also, attention abcotd: Today is my birthday. Feel free to celebrate in true forum style by calling me a fat bitch, a whore, and describing how you screwed my mom with candy. :D It's a good day for all!

  3. Mallory was looking to pick up a spare for the bedroom tonight. This was more than "Meet my gay friend/boyfriend". She's dating Jason. Yeah, you would have had to watch out for crossed swords and just decide to believe that was Mallory with the butt-plug, but otherwise this was your chance to mark one off the list. Now their just stuck with a pathetic last resort like Nikki - hardly the Xmas Mallory wanted.

  4. Nikki, I was staring hard at Fizziks profile picture and I realized that the little twinkle in the cave between her legs is you winking at the world. How did you get in? Is it tight in there?

  5. @(stupid) Jonathan, the 'with her tongue' part's redundant, what else would anyone use to lick anything, idiot.. or not, maybe you're very clever.

    @ Nikki, no idea how old/young you are but I hate being told what to do so happy birthday, have a totally awesome & lovely day skinny non-slag.

    Erik [why with a K & not C, that's just wrong] that was a total setup for a Devil's Threesome no doubt, she didn't want to say it flat out in case you freaked so she tried using the "gay-friend" angle.

    (Baby)forrest? :(

  6. Erik with a K is how real men spell it. (either that or their parents just like being weird)

  7. Hooray! This birthday is everything I ever wanted it to be and more! Even Frank came back! (Speaking of which, Frank, have you ever read anything about Fizzik's giant V? It's in the dictionary as an antonym for "tight.")

    Also, I always thought Erik-with-a-k is how the Vikings spelled it.

  8. I've only met Eric's and Erica's spelled with a 'c' but the 'k' spelling is not that uncommon but it does look weird. OP was tricked into paying for an expensive meal since she already had a boyfriend and used her gay friend to get rid of OP without having to deal with OP.

  9. Nikki, are you inviting me to join you inside for your birthday party? This site is like a Harry Potter adventure for perverts.

  10. Wow! Nikki, are you inviting me to squeeze inside and celebrate your birthday? That would count as a threesome. Sort of like a Harry Potter adventure.

  11. Definitely sounds like he wanted to compare schwartz with you for the benefit of Expensivedinner McNotputout. Are you gay yet? How about now? *walks away* *turns around quickly* What about...NOW?!
    What a failed Penthouse Letter of a night.

    While we're on the subject of men turning gay because of women, happy birthday to Nikki. Slut.

    And it's Eric with a "c". I have to say that or I'm not getting any tonight.

  12. Hahaha, I think I like your first comment better, Frank. And no. Fizziks VJ is all mine...for today. I rented it out for the day so I could have more room. Usually she's got entire conventions in there! :)

  13. Admit it, Nikki - you thought you'd need the whole space for your party, but it's just going to be you, some sad crepe streamers, and that Smiths album that you keep making failed suicide attempts to on endless loop.

  14. Babyforrest in da house. Happy birthday Nikki!

  15. LOL these comments are KILLER today! Except Jonathan; what a dumb, humorless shitdick.

    Ahem....A birthday rhyme for Nikki:

    T'was the Birthday of birthday's
    A party in Fizziks' hole
    Her labia festooned
    With streamers of gold

    The commenters all gathered
    Each prepared a witty quip
    We'd all scream surprise
    And hope she didn't slip

    Nikki had arrived
    Holding our breaths in this hell
    The reason two part
    To yell surprise... and the smell

    Surprise we shouted
    The cake was alight
    The trolls provided presents
    And a good "Yo Mamma" fight

    Butt plugs of tootsie roll
    And a sign that read "Don't Breed"
    These were gifts
    We knew Nikki would need

    She thanked us all
    In the usual way
    She started an argument
    and said "Fuck you but have a nice day"

    PS. OP - Glad you didn't catch a bad case of teh gheys!

  16. Jonathan is a meanie and an a-hole, Eric with a "c" definitely, Happy Birthday Nikki.

  17. Sweet jeezus the comments on this blog are so ANNOYING. Do you 12 year old dip-shits not have anything else to do?? Go find a chat-room or something. Or GO OUTSIDE.

    Can we keep ABCOTD and the comments ON TOPIC? Is that so hard? Jared, why do you not moderate this thing? It seriously makes me not want to read it anymore.

  18. @1:20pm then don't read it, you won't be missed. Sawyer86 I'm Erik-with-a-k, a shame I've lived with most of my life. I introduce myself to new people as E like from Entourage to hide my shame.

  19. Yay!! {Baby}forrest:), she's in da house!!!

  20. This was a regular con this girl does to get free meals. She knows you will never bother her again now. Jason doesn't exist, she is a grifter.

  21. Hahaha! Fizziks, that comment about my sad, pathetic bday party is my fave comment so far. That and 1:20's pissy tirade about how "off topic" we are with that additional fishing comment of "I'll stop reading this *sniff* AND THEN YOU'LL ALL BE SORRY!!!" Totally missing the point that his comment about how off-topic the comments are...is OFF TOPIC. muahahaha

    Thanks for the poem, Architect! I wish I had cute business cards that said something like, "For the good of humanity, please don't breed. :)"

    And leave poor Jonathan alone. He was just throwing out that comment in the hopes that I would say "I DO, but with [fill in with whatever else you could use to lick a pig anus]" so he wouldn't feel so alone in the world.

  22. @1:20

    Good call. It's silly of me to not spend my time moderating the site and reading every single comment for adherence to the topic at hand. Unfortunately, I'm simply too busy berating the legion of staff I employ at the ABCotD Mansion to have time for anything else.

  23. Seven-thirty7/09/2010 7:00 PM

    Mallory made one of the three big mistakes with Erik. She got too close too fast and Erik hasn't called her again.

  24. Happy birthday Nikki! Today is the anniversary of the day you slid out of your moms vagoo like a slimy lizard to wreak terror upon the world and strike fear into the hearts of men, and it's the day you were born on too!

  25. Nikki, you are right with the viking comment. I am like a quarter Norwegian and I spell it with a k. also my beard hair is red. in short Eriks are awesome and also vikings.

  26. There's no more room in Fizziks' cavernous black hole. Nikki jumped in and whatever puddle of mass that used to be solid human beings were seeped out of the sides of her vaj lips. When Nikki was shifting around to make a little more room, genocide ensued. Here's a video that simulates the event:

    Nikki : Happy birthday, ya fat bitch!

  27. The OP really dodged a bullet, especially if they're not into threesomes.

  28. Some of these dates are worse than others, but none could possibly be as bad as the date I went on with Nikki. Oh, you didn't know? It went down like this:

    We met at a scat festival/shock video filming, where she was the main attraction and lead character. I was in charge of bringing in the full septic tank pumping trucks. I can't go into much more detail, as the video hasn't been edited for release yet - the technicians have to keep stopping to rinse the rancid pools of vomit out of the editing booth - but after the shoot, she waddled over, threw her feculent arms around me, and insisted I go out to dinner with her the following Friday night. Now, I don't usually shit where I eat, but in this industry, I figured it might improve the taste of the food, so I consented.

    On the night of our date, I pulled up to the address she had given me, only to discover that what I had mistakenly expected to be a residence was actually a seedy brothel. The sign out front read "5-for-1 Special: only $0.25!!!!!!1111111oneone" so I knew I had to be in the right place. I called her cell phone to let her know I was outside. Someone picked up, but all I could hear was a lot of grunting and breathing before the connection went dead. Alarm bells rang in my head, but I figured maybe she was just rushing around getting ready. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I decided to wait.

    About an hour later, after several - apparently homeless - men and women trickled out, Nikki's voluminous form, clothed only in a torn and soiled muumuu, doddered up to my driver's window. She appeared to be on some sort of drug. "I won't fit in your car," she breathed heavily in my face, her breath reeking with the stench of semen and rotting meat. "We'll need to take mine. It's parked in back. You drive. I'll wait here." She thrust a grimy keyring into my hand and rolled over to lean against my car. I got out and walked down a dark, body-strewn and rat-infested alleyway to the rear of the building. A wrecking truck was parked near the back door with "Mobal Gangbang Unitt" stenciled on the door and a small couch welded to the bed. It started after a few tries, and I drove out to my car and loaded her up. Thankfully, she had a winch and a harness to help speed the process. "Where to?" I asked. "The Chinese buffet downtown," she replied. "I always go there on Friday nights around closing time."

  29. We made it to the Chinese place without incident, despite the best efforts of her truck to break down on the way. When we arrived, I yelled back to her that the place seemed to be already closed. She told me that they were expecting her, and to lower the ramp so she could disembark. After winching her down, she made her way to the employee entrance, leaving a trail of smegma and slime across the littered parking lot. A shadowy figure opened the door, and she disappeared inside, waving for me to follow her.

    Once my eyes had finally adjusted to the dimly lit room inside, I realized that there had been far more than just the proprietors of this not-so-fine establishment waiting for her. Men and women of all ages, sizes, shapes, and levels of hygiene were stripping down and throwing themselves at her. Simultaneously, the restaurant employees were showering the whole roiling mass of bodies with what I could only make out to be a week's worth of leftover food and garbage. The odor of Nikki's unwashed vagina was overpowering. There was just enough light to see that every square millimeter of her hideous cunt was covered with warts and lesions, but that didn't even faze the multitudes, much less prevent them from diving straight into it. The scene was too much for even me, so I slipped back outside, tossed the truck keys on the driver's seat, and walked the seventeen miles back to my car.

    Honestly, I don't even think she noticed I wasn't there. She texted me the next day, saying she had a great time and wanted to do it again sometime. I never responded.

    P.S. @Nikki: Sorry I'm three days late, so I was extra creative to make up for it. Happy birthday, you filthy, diseased, grotesquely obese whore/bitch/cunt! I hope someone gives you some cream for that rash!

  30. This comment has been removed by the author.

  31. ^ That got me so turned on I shot a load without having to touch myself. Or maybe that's just the seepage from the chlamydia...

  32. Gulliver! You commented! My heart sang! <3

    And JD!!!! You know I wasn't wearing a muumuu when we went on our date! It was my best, nicest tarp! (I don't fit into muumuus.) *sniff* And here I thought you were the type to pay close attention to details. :( I forgive your lateness, however, as it probably took a lot of courage to bring all of the exciting and romantic plot points of our date out of the dark recesses of your unconscious mind.

    Thanks again to everyone who sent birthday wishes my way! I got to meet Fizziks and Architect, who are lovely, fat bitches in real life, so I had quite the abcotd weekend celebration! :D

  33. ABCotD's is just a front for Nikki's personal support group.

  34. It's hard to be a young single mother.


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