A Date at the Slaughterhouse

Submitted by Derrick:

Caroline, on her online profile, had posted some pictures of herself with stuffed animals.  Thinking this childlike but also charming, I e-mailed her, and we ultimately agreed to meet up.

We had arranged for a quick dinner and then maybe something else in town.  The day before, though, she called to ask if I could meet her at her house, and to bring a raincoat.

I asked her why, and she told me that it was a surprise.  As long as this surprise didn't involve an ambush and me dead, then I was sure that it would be enjoyable.

Raincoat in hand, I arrived at her house.  She opened her door wearing a dark blue apron with all manner of red stains on it.  Her hair was disheveled and she didn't at all look ready for a date, at least not the kind of dates I've been used to.

She led me downstairs, to her basement.  There were piles of vivisected stuffed animals and several skins hung from small, makeshift hooks.  Nearby, on a tray, there lay a pair of forceps and two very real-looking scalpels.

I looked at her apron, and she read my expression.  She said, "The blood on here, it's not from them.  It's from an actual butcher shop, though."

She pushed a stuffed elephant off of her operating table and motioned to it.  "Want to hop on?  We can do a pretend operation."

Having never had the opportunity to be operated upon in a filthy basement, I agreed, as long as I would be able to jump off whenever it became too creepy.

This visibly excited her, as evidenced by a little hop and a big smile.  She instructed me to lay out my raincoat on the table and lay on it, since the table was full of germs, as she put it.

I did this, and she pulled out some twine.  She tied one end of it around a metal knob off the corner of the table, and went to tie the other end around my right wrist.

I shook my head.  "No."

"It's to prevent you from thrashing.  You might hurt me."

I sat up and told her that I didn't really want to be on a table in her basement anymore.  Was she ready to head out?

She said that she would have to shower, change, primp, etc. and that it would take a while.  Apparently, she hadn't counted on actually leaving the house.

I told her that it was okay.  We could reschedule.  She really liked that idea, and she walked me out.

I never called her back.  I feel bad about it, but something about the whole thing was a turn-off.


  1. Dear God, you got on the table for a pretend operation? What the heck were you thinking?

  2. No, no, no...I said circular incision..not circumcision!

  3. She wanted to tie you to the table, take your clothes off for a "pretend operation," and hop on your cock.
    Seriously?! Twine scared you?!

  4. ^No way!!! I agree with 8:47, that is f-ing scary shit right there! I hope that girl is in therapy, or an out-patient program... better yet would be an in-patient program, with white padded walls and limited access to stuffed animals...

  5. I really want to know what would have happened if you let her tie you down. Let's make an agreement here - if any ABCOTD readers get into these kind of situations, from now on they have to take one for the team to make for more interesting and possibly fucked up stories.

  6. This never happened.

  7. The problem with letting these things play out is that you might not live long enough to let a bunch of strangers on the internet know how it went.

  8. " . . . but something about the whole thing was a turn-off."

    Can't quite place it, eh? I wonder if it was the animal blood, the operating table, or the fact that she was completely unprepared for a date?

  9. You people seriously think this is a true story? BS.

  10. These anonymous comments (I'm anonymous too I get the irony) are stupid and boring. Where are the comments from the Cool Comment Clique, Nikki, Gulliver, Seven-thirty, The Architect, Nomatophobia, Fizziks, Sawyer86, Frank, Pipe Dream, etc all you guys. Some of your comments have been absent for a while most of the time they're the reason I read these dates.

  11. I call fake! The horror show of stuffed animals is just a little too perfect. The dead give away is the line "but something about the whole thing was a turn-off," as if this all out sketchy weird-fest, was a bit ambiguous.

  12. The Cool Comment Clique are all in Fizziks' basement right now, tying her to the table with twine. Gulliver is perusing her stuffed animal collection, and chooses a somewhat battered T. Rex. He approaches the bound Fizziks with the T. Rex as she screams loudly for help, when suddenly...

  13. Thanks for the love Anon 11:28! We'll try not to let you down ;-)

    Ok, here we go. Reasons you were never leaving that basement alive:

    1. She was not planning on going out that evening.
    2. She had clearly been practicing on stuffed animals in anticipation of your arrival.
    3. She had scalpels and twine waiting to tie you down and expected some thrashing.
    4. Rain coats are water/blood proof. Why else would you have needed it in her stinky basement.
    5. Everyone knows that all online daters are actually serial killers. You should have fucking known better!

    I really do hope this story is real but am afraid for the next fly this lunatic lures into her basement.

  14. File this one under A Bad Case of Disturbing Fantasies.

  15. what's the online dating website and her profile ID?

    i will take one for the team.
    I'm actually very interested in near death experiences that could lead to amazing stuff animal sex.

  16. @Anon11:30 - Frankly, most of these dates lately have been lame. Simply not worth commenting on. It's especially unappealing when the comments start to fill up with repetitive juveniles and trolls before we even get around to reading the dates. It's like showing up to a boring party that's already packed full of social retards. I certainly don't speak for everyone, but I imagine the majority of the Cool Comment Clique (nice name, by the way) would agree.

  17. ...I was on vacation this weekend, actually hanging out with Fizziks and Architect in Fizzik's basement. We didn't have any twine, but then again, we didn't need to. 12:00pm...how the fuck did you know?

    I NEVER call "fake" because that's retarded, but there's no way that I can sit here and believe that some random guy would walk into this situation and think, "Well, why the fuck WOULDN'T I lay down on this operating table?" I don't want to live in a world where this date is true. (Shit, that's the second time on this site I've said that.)

  18. I think this is fake, too.

  19. Fuck! It would've been so awesome if Derrick went through with it. Although, he probably did dodge a bullet...

  20. "She pushed a stuffed elephant off of her operating table..."

    There's something I can't put my finger on. Oh wait, always stuff elephants on the ground or when they are kneeling, never on tables.

  21. I would have hit that. the stuffed elephant, not the chick. that girl was batshit!

  22. It's obvious that this perverse set up was a so-called Tea party date. She was going to insert the elephant into him without any lube. Of course he would have thrashed around.

  23. Geez! A pretend operation? How old is this GIRL (as in kid), six? Her body may be in the dating age group, but emotionally, she should be sucking her fingers and playing tea party with the rest of the babies. I mean, for crying in Manhattan, I stopped playing "pretend" when my pectoral hemispheres started growing.
    Can we say, "psycho?"

  24. ^I don't want this girl sucking her fingers while covered in blood and the tortured insides of her dates who stuck around for her weird games in the hopes that she'd suck them off.

  25. Tonight on Dateline NBC To Catch A Predator:
    She was a young girl who loved stuffed animals. He was an online fiend hunting for stuffed animal kiddie porn. Tonight we'll set up our cameras in the basement of this house and see what happens when Derrick, expecting an innocent sane little girl, finds out what "Caroline" is really like.

    By the way OP, I'd be really interested to know exactly which part of the elephant she cut off. If it was the trunk....I think you made the right call not letting her tie you up.

  26. LOL, I just thought of what she could have meant by bring a "Rain Coat"! Derrick, you were so gonna get laid!

  27. I tell ya, 2:20, those are some pretty valid turn offs. Mine include

    * Psycho killer clowns with razor sharp teeth
    *Getting stranded on a beach, being chased by polar bears and a mysterious fog
    *Hell, most mysterious fogs
    *Discovering that my creepy, colonial town is actually on a nature preserve in the 21st century

    Turn ons include

    *Freeing Fizziks, Willy the Orca-style
    *Cutting off very small pieces of Architect and feeding them to him (with a nice ffffavvvva bean salad)
    *Coming home to Frank(n Furter?) wearing my undergarments and cooking me dinner

    Wanna date sometime?

  28. ...I really hope this is a fake. If not, you're a steaming pile of nuts for not fleeing at the sight of her basement. Seriously.

  29. It's always interesting to me to see how far a man will go in the hopes of a little nooky at the end of it.

    1. That's what happens when the One Eyed Emperor rules your life

  30. Is it really that crazy for someone to want to "play operation" on you? I mean, it sounds a little fun, and a little kinky. I seriously doubt the chick was going to cut the guy. I mean, she was tying him down with 'twine', not rope or straps or anything. Might as well have been yarn. You could have even made a loud buzzing noise when she touched you, to joke along with her.
    Jeez people, get a grip. And come lay down on my bench. Don't mind those scalpels.

  31. Ravaged Love7/15/2010 8:58 AM

    ^I don't think even Dan Savage is qualified to give you advice about your kink. Yeesh.

  32. You know that feeling from 1996 when you were watching internet porn and it was just about to get really good and your mom picks up the phone and cuts off the connection?

    That's how I felt when I got to the end of the story.

  33. ^ I love you.

  34. @10:11pm: "I know." ;)

  35. are you insane? what the hell is wrong with you that you don't think shes a psycho killer?


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