Behold the Power

Submitted by Kevin:

Felicia appeared as a potential match on an online dating site.  She looked cute in her photos, and she mentioned an interest in 14th and 15th century literature, and talked about a forthcoming trip to Romania.  I asked her if she had family from Romania, and the only answer she gave me was, "Sort of, yes."

These interests seemed unusual, but I was looking for someone a little different from the, "I'm a teacher who likes biking and spending time with my family" sort, so I went the distance and asked her out.

"Okay, but only at night," she cautioned me.

"Are you a vampire?" I joked.

"It's spelled vampYre, and I'll tell you more in person," she said.

The red alert light blared, but I figured that there was no harm in meeting up.  Aside from the Dracula overtones, she was a better conversationalist than most people I spoke to in general, and she actually seemed interested in me.

We arranged to meet in front of a restaurant.  I expected her to show up in all black, wearing an upside-down cross, with artificial fangs, and pale eyes.  As it turned out, she showed up looking like she did in her pictures, a normal 23-year-old.  She had long blonde hair, glasses, and was dressed pretty conservatively.  If you didn't know it, you'd have no idea how obsessed with vampires she was.  But she was.

The first thing she said after our introductory hug was, "Can we get out of the light?"

I offered to walk her inside of the restaurant, and she glanced at it before saying, "I don't think so.  It's too bright in there.  Can we go to a bar?"

We went to a bar that served dinner items and sat in the darkest corner we could find.

She explained that she was a direct descendant of the historical Dracula, and that she was the first in her family for generations to make pilgrimage back to the ancestral homeland in Romania.  She said that she didn't drink alcohol (it diluted the blood), ate only meat (for strength and power), and avoided the light as much as possible.

I asked her if she had any powers, and she said that she did, but that she could only use them in times of great need.  I asked her to go into greater detail, and she explained that she could make time slow down, and that she could hover for brief periods.

"The blood's been diluted through the centuries," she said, "So I can't do everything that my ancestors were able to, but once I visit our old castle, I should increase in strength."

Maybe it was that I feigned interest more than anyone else had, but she really seemed to enjoy talking to me.  I tried changing the subject, but somehow or other we always made it back to vampirism.  She couldn't play sports because her supernatural athletic prowess would give her away (to be fair, she was in great shape).  She was in all honors classes throughout her schooling due to her fast brain powers, etc.

I asked her about her parents and siblings, as she had never mentioned them.  She said that she didn't really get along with them, as they denied the family heritage and thought that she was taking it too far.

She said, "I've hired two genealogists, and they both traced our family back to Dracula.  I'm not sure how much more proof I can show them."

The date wrapped up and I offered to walk her back to her car.  When we made it there, she offered to show me one of her powers, since I had been so understanding.

I hadn't expected this, and was so amazed that she'd offer it, that I took her up on it at once.

"Okay," she said, and took a step back.  She spread her arms and closed her eyes.  She breathed heavily and trembled.

She farted.

Her eyes opened and she put her hand to her mouth.  "Oh my God..." she began.

I laughed, then hugged her.  I told her that it was okay, and not to worry about it.

I didn't take her out for another date, but we're still acquaintances.  She ended up actually going to Romania, but I have no idea if her powers have increased as a result.


  1. She sounds like a sweet girl, and I'm glad that you were nice to her.

  2. Nos-fer-fart-tu7/21/2010 10:22 AM

    I can't believe you met a daywalker. I hear they're pretty rare. Especially one's that don't have any super human abilites.

  3. hilarious story, but I'd love to hear how her trip went. I've known several Romanians, including an ex-boyfriend, and not a one of them didn't hate Bram Stoker's Dracula. For them it was a piece of German propaganda that slandered a national hero. My ex hated it so much he'd rant at the sight of anything related to vampires.

  4. If that is a super power then I have dated gods amongst men.

  5. You know what the lamest creatures-of-the-night are? Yup, Vampires. They are so 1995 I can't stand it! And these poor emo kids that get completely obsessed with them and even go so far as to claim to be one...that's just lame. If you want to be a bad-ass monster, try zombies or werewolves. The age of the vampire is over and I think it's best if we all just put this Twilight True Blood bullshit behind us. Embrace the age of the zombie!

  6. Hooray for being a really sweet guy to a girl who seems pretty...disconnected from reality. I agree that a follow-up about her trip to Romania is in order.

  7. It is so sweet of you to humor her, but it sounds like she has a genuine mental illness and needs help. It would be a tragedy for her to sink lower into this and snap. We don't need any faux-vampire bag ladies on the streets! She needs a true friend to find the strength to speak with her about this and suggest treatment options. A visit to Romania is nice (I've been there and it is beautiful) but her version of history is nothing more than make believe.

  8. I'd like to hear about a family reunion with uncle Vlad the Impaler.

  9. "...and then she farted."

    This is the best story so far. Good on you for humouring her and making a friend in the process.

  10. that's the best part of the story i laugh at for more then 5 minutes

    "Okay," she said, and took a step back. She spread her arms and closed her eyes. She breathed heavily and trembled.

    She farted.

  11. ^Thank goodness you spoke up. No one else even noticed that line!

  12. I'm with nomatophobia on this one. If that's what a vampire is, I've met a lot of them. They usually drink beer instead of blood though.

    Props for being nice to her about it.

  13. I was going to leave my comment as-is, but my faith in the ability of people to recognize sarcasm has been so undermined by people taking Nikki seriously that I couldn't. So, in short 2:46 - you're an idiot, thx for quoting the story for us!

  14. ^And the one original sentence was horribly constructed. Minor props for at least mustering up the strength to spell "that's" with an apostrophe though. Some of these commenters need cookies for the smallest accomplishments!

  15. Well, I give her points for not insisting she was related to Edward or something!

    Another thing that got me: she had genealogists trace her family to Dracula? Did they just tell her that because they figured she was crazy and wanted to mess with her?


  16. 1:36 and 2:46, Don't feel intimidated by Nikki and Fizziks. They will try to put you down for kicks -- how dare anyone say anything obvious.

    They went after me. The thread went on and on; they spun relentlessly, like spiders trying to wrap up a grasshopper. Eventually I fought them to a standstill.

    A few days later Fizziks invited me to contact her in real life. When I did she and Nikki said they wanted to meet me to go caving with them one weekend in Kuntucky. Using GPS, I got to the entrance of the hole we were going to explore but found no sign of them, at first.

    Then I heard them laughing and giggling, but I couldn't see them because of the thick bushes. When I got them on the cell phone, they said they arrived early and had started down.

    "Follow us down, Frank," they said.

    They told me that the cave was large and easy to navigate. But the bitches lied. It was tight as shit. The walls were wrinkled and like many caves it was wet inside. I don't think anyone had ever been in it before.

    After an hour and half of crawling... felt like I was in the same spot... the water started to rise and found myself getting washed up a small chimney. I could swear it was almost like a mouth trying to devour me. The very walls of the cave seemed to be convulsing around me. I barely got out alive.

    Nikki SMS'd me to say that just as she put a finger in the cave, Fizziks started to feel funny, so they had to leave without me.

    It was one of the strangest dates I'd ever been on.

  17. ^ Wow. That was a long way to a joke Franklin McDouche of the Clan McDouche.

    I'm sorry your mom hasn't realized that Dorothy Parker might have had an Earth Momma Bush but nowadays it's a little much and like you in her foliage, people tend to get lost. Nikki and Fizziks probably felt funny about the whole thing because they realized you were so embarrassed at your life you needed to crawl back up into your mother's vagina in shame and start over. Unfortunately, it reminded Fizziks of the horrible things your dad did to gerbils in his anus and being a vegan, she couldn't handle such a poor little lost thing traveling endlessly until starvation.

    See, I can go a long way to a joke too.

  18. Teen Werewolves are coming!

    Yeah. For realsies.


  19. Architect, zombies are pretty old now too. There was a rash of zombie movies, comedy books, etc. several years ago. Can't we move onto something like El Chupacabra or something fun?
    Let's bring back Swamp Thing.

  20. I like people who don't make fun of other people even if there beliefs sound crazy. You sound like a good dude, cheers man.

    Great story by the way.

  21. Zombies are just as stale as vampires at this point. Look at video games, pretty much everything has zombies in it now. The next big thing isn't vampires or zombies or werewolves or even aliens or ghosts, it's definitely going to be dopplegangers.

  22. "I asked her if she had any powers, and she said that she did, but that she could only use them in times of great need. "

    You know, if you tried to rape her you might have seen those powers first hand. just saying.

  23. Nom, I an usually so busy doggedly bitching that I don't remark when you are funny - it wasn't personal, just an unintended pattern. Your line really brought the funny!

  24. Vampires, werewolves, zombies, mummies, ghosts, aliens... yeah, those are all bullshit, but nobody bats an eye if you tell them you believe in the invisible man in the sky who sees everything you do.

    Curious how we (as a society, of which the ABCotD regulars are NOT a representative sample) tolerate religious idiocy but not fantasy idiocy.

  25. JD, I see your point, but by your logic this means we should tolerate all insanity. Sorry, but this chick is mentally ill to the point where it has hurt her relationship with her family. I agree that religious nuts are a problem and that we as a society are too tolerant of that, but this pretend vampIre chick is well beyond the norm. It's not cute, it's disturbing and she needs help.

  26. Agreed that zombies are also a little old but I think we can all admit that a horde of flesh eating zombies is way scarier than some lame ass pansy in a cape. I'm down with Anon 12:35 and completely agree that we need to bring back Swamp Thing. Although to be honest guy, Swamp Thing was the hero and not a monster to be feared. I just want him back because he was cool and I watched the shit out of those movies when I was a kid.

    Maybe the new monster craze can be for the Kraken! I think sea monsters are an untapped source of richness. (Let me just beat the trolls to this one: Your Mom is a source of untapped richness!)

  27. ^Please - Your mom is as tapped out as a keg on Sunday.

  28. Wait a sec, she is 23? What?? When I read this I thought for certain she was just some delusional 16 year old, but 23? That just makes this whole thing even creepier!

  29. @Anon11:36 - Actually, you missed my point entirely. By my logic, we shouldn't tolerate any of it, at least, not past the point of fanciful entertainment. Anyways, it was just a cynical musing on my part, not a direct attack on religious nuts.

    @The Architech - Agreed. Vampires and werewolves never did it for me. Too many special rules and strange, lame-ass strengths and weaknesses. The zombie apocalypse, on the other hand, is pretty simple shit, yet constantly entertaining.

  30. ^ agreed. nobody should ever tolerate or humor someone who claims to be a vampire. I little tough love is in order. She's going to have an incredibly rough life if she doesn't find some way to overcome this lie she is living.

  31. I'm a fan of the doppelganger idea, and I also like that I no longer have to waste time putting Frank down and that there are others on the site who will do it for me.

    Fun fact: I have at least three doppelgangers loose in the Baltimore metropolitan area. One was spotted bleeding profusely in a hospital, which led to a frantic phone call to my folks, which led to a very stressful phone conversation with them in which I explained that, no, I hadn't been shot somewhere in southeast Baltimore, I was drunk in North Baltimore in the safety of my apartment.

  32. You are wrong JD. Mummies do exist. I've seen them in museums. Oh, and God does exist too. Shun the non-believer! Ssshun!!

  33. I've had FOUR genealogists trace my family back to the original mummy. So I keep my organs in jars on my bedside table and make sure that my friends and pets are killed and preserved so they can be with me in the afterlife.

    ...I also hate Brendan Fraser.

  34. ^ LOL....don't we all Nikki, don't we all?

    You could have shown her what being a vampire is all about if you had pierced her skin with your tube STAKE. Sorry, someone had to say it.

  35. *blush* Actually, I don't hate Brendan Fraser OR his hilarious Mummy movies. I was just trying to maintain the overarching theme of my post. Granted, Fraser's career has become more pathetic in years past, as he's begun getting too old for action movies but can't seem to break into leading romantic roles, probably because of his resume and the typecasting that is implicitly understood to be running rampant in Hollywood. However, his older work will stand the test of time...except for Monkeybone. But I can forgive him for that since he spent 98% of George of the Jungle mostly naked. *starts to swoon* Okay, I need to wrap this up...

  36. Zombies, vampires, mummies? You are all so 2007. Me and all my friends at school are sandworms now.

  37. Oh yeah? Well my friends and I were sandworms before Beetlejuice made them cool! Scene points to the max!

  38. ^Instead of the Prom King did you award someone the Kwisatz Haderach?

    @Architect: Ha! Maybe things would have ended differently if she had said:

    "Oh Count Cockula!....I've cooome to suhhck...yo...deeek!"

  39. ^You misspelled "cum."

  40. farting on command is an awesome superpower!

  41. ROTFLMAO! Poor, strange girl, lol.


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Content Policy

A Bad Case of the Dates reserves the right to publish or not publish any submitted content at any time, and by submitting content to A Bad Case of the Dates, you retain original copyright, but are granting us the right to post, edit, and/or republish your content forever and in any media throughout the universe. If Zeta Reticulans come down from their home planet to harvest bad dating stories, you could become an intergalactic megastar. Go you!

A Bad Case of the Dates is not responsible for user comments. We also reserve the right to delete any comments at any time and for any reason. We're hoping to not have to, though.

Aching to reach us? abadcaseofthedates at gmail dot com.